I tend to refer to this season of life as being a path. When I think of a path, I think of something that - even if it is full of unforeseen twists, turns, descents and climbs - is well defined and relatively free of obstacles. This is not that.
What we are walking is rough and jagged. It feels like each day - every step - holds a potential for harm. This trail is full of rocks and potholes and the way is not clearly seen.
It seems that each time we think we have some aspect figured out -- some solution to an issue we're facing -- things change.
Trent's oncologist called to talk with me last week. Though she may not agree with our choices, I do believe that she genuinely cares. She asked me questions to better understand our perspective. She shared her concerns and expressed her desire to be a help to us. We meet with her for our next appointment this coming Friday.
My emotions have been in hyper-drive. It is so hard to see him in such pain! When there is something I can do to help alleviate the pain, it is easier for me to deal with; but when I am not able to do anything for him, the weight of the burden is multiplied. I took the kids to hear a slap-stick comedy / folk music program at the library last Friday. Who knew that such an event could cause floods of tears?? Keeping my Quiet Time with the Lord is essential to maintaining any sense of emotional balance. Some days, it is hard to get that time -- Appointments so early that I can barely pry my eyelids open in time to get out the door to get there, the busy-ness of the day, trying to get even just the necessities done, and by the time everyone is settled for the evening, I have to fight to keep my eyes open. As much as possible, I try for earlier vs. later. There are days when I mandate that the kids stay in their rooms for a half hour in the middle of the day -- Mom's Quiet Time. It is imperative that Mom has that time.
Recent events have caused me at times to try to envision what lies ahead. I know I can't do so, and trying to is unproductive at best. There is only One who knows what the future holds, and I purposefully surrender the future - and all its unknowns - to Him. Whatever the days ahead may hold, I know God holds us in His hands. He is working according to His Will and plan. We are safe in His care.