Secondary Grief

When you lose someone very close, you will grieve forever – or so it has been said.

I don't really agree with that statement . . . at least not just at face value.

The active grieving will fade as time passes – and, no, it is not time that heals all wounds – Only God heals our hearts – and only if we let Him. (We definitely can choose to hold onto our grief and live in it every day.) It is the natural process – the way God has wired us – that allows us to continue on after we have lost someone we love.  Though the active grieving subsides, there will still be 'moments' of grief that come and go.  I have been through this many times over.

Though I disagree with that opening statement, I do believe that loss changes a person – for better or for worse.  My theory is that that statement came about because of one of the changes that loss makes:   Loss creates a heightened sense of certain things.

About a dozen years ago, I had a strange injury at work – one that resulted ultimately in the surgical loss of the tip of my finger.  My surgeon assured me that the nerves were not cut – they were separated from the affected tissue and left intact.  From a medical standpoint, those nerves are whole.  However, those nerves are not 'normal' – at least not by the standard of what they used to be.   There is a new 'normal':

• Hot and cold don't feel the same – I don't always feel hot, and cold is very painful.
• I have mostly normal texture sensitivity – but not completely.
• Some days, it is numb.
• There are days it is incredibly stiff and uncooperative.
• There's that crazy phenomenon with weather changes irritating it....
• By far – the biggest change has been the pain-sensing aspect: If something pokes or bumps the tip of that finger, I definitely know it! The pain level is well beyond anything 'normal' – sometimes making the injury feel fresh again.

Most days, I don't give any thought to that finger – I simply go through life and do what I need to do.  There are adjustments, though.  If I really need to feel temperature, I have to use a different finger.   The same applies to when I need a careful texture sensitivity. If it gets bumped or poked in certain ways, I may need to stop what I had been doing for a while.   I may need to give my hand some extra attention by way of an ice pack, heat pack, or splint.  I may need to be very protective of it for a time to allow that heightened pain sensitivity to calm down.

Just as it is so with my post-injury finger, so are our lives post-loss. . . .

We are still here living our lives, but we have been altered in some ways with a heightened sensitivity.

There are people and situations we encounter that trigger responses and can make our grief feel 'fresh' again. 

Maybe someone near you is going through a situation similar to your experience – those feelings you had in your own experience may come rushing back in, and your grief feels fresh again.

Maybe you are 'tapped out' mentally and emotionally – your reserves are empty – when you learn of someone's difficult situation. Though you genuinely care, you feel nothing. Your emotions are numb to that.

Sometimes, it is an overload:  There are so many hurting people around you – and you truly want to empathize – and it is so very painful to do so. The overload may be such that you just . can't . emotionally invest.

Sometimes, though, you feel grieved for someone or something that is far removed from your personal loss; and yet it causes you to grieve your own loss anew. . . . That's where I have been at times this year.

Just as many others have done, I have been watching the events of this year; and my heart is grieved.

• I am grieved for our country and the direction I see it going.
• I am grieved as I see people living in fear.
• I am grieved to see lawless behavior not only happening (which is sad enough on its own), but being allowed to continue and even being applauded.
• I am grieved for those who have been affected by natural disasters.
• I am very deeply grieved for those in hospitals and care centers who have been denied the advocacy, love, and care from friends and family.

As I grieve for all of these – and more – I find that the grief of loss has been stirred.  I consider it a secondary grief – grief for my loss(es), yes; but a grief that is more prompted than purely natural -- Like my finger feeling newly injured when it has simply been bumped or poked.

Tears come much more easily these days.   That sense of loneliness has been a bigger battle this year.  Smaller matters feel much bigger some days.  Sometimes the overload hits, and I feel mentally and emotionally numb.  And to be completely honest, there are days I just plain don't want to cope with anything more.

When these times come, it is so very important to lean on the truths that we know.  I've written about it before – so much of how we go through life is a choice.  We have to choose to believe the things that we know – choose what we know over how we feel.  We choose to trust God.  We choose to believe what He has said.  We choose to live in His strength instead of our own.  We choose to be thankful for His goodness.

Whatever life brings, God enables us to go through it.

He has promised that He will work things together for good for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

He tells us that His strength is perfected in our weakness. (II Cor. 12:9)

He tells us that He will never leave us alone. (Heb. 13:5)

He tells us to give Him all that concerns us. (I Peter 5:7)

God's Word is full of these and so many more principles and promises.

In all that I encounter in life, I choose to be thankful for all that God has done and for the fact that He can be trusted.  In my hardest days, I lean more on Him -- He loves me, He cares for me, He strengthens me.  He is my Rock, my Fortress, my Guide.

I am far from perfect in this journey of life; but I am determined to continually refocus my gaze on my Heavenly Father, and I hope to encourage others to do the same.

Absence

 

It has been a very long time since I have last written here . . . .

While writing can definitely be therapeutic, I also find that it demands a great deal of energy to do so. For me, the energy requirement has out-weighed the therapeutic benefits for a while.

There has been much that has occurred: 

My youngest child was involved in an accident where he was run over by a car. . . . By God's incredible Mercy and Grace, he only sustained a broken (albeit severely) arm, and he has regained full strength, range of motion, and use of it. That was an incredibly draining experience. (Though I will be eternally grateful for God's protection in it all!)

My oldest child went on a missions trip, completed his senior year of high school, and graduated. Just five short days following graduation, we moved him 1,200 miles away to begin his job and college career. (Very emotionally-taxing events for this mom.) He's now in his sophomore year of college.  It's a new state of life....

Last year, I also returned to fully homeschooling my two younger children (now in 9^th and 11^th grades). That also takes a great deal of energy.

Add in the other responsibilities, stresses, and dramas of life, and – well – there just isn't much energy left over to put into writing. Life here plugs along, and we do our best to keep up.

God is good, He cares for us every day, and He strengthens us for the journey.

Five-Year Plan

I always hated being expected to write a plan for my future -- You know, the 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' kind of questions. . .  When forced to answer, I'd agonize until I could come up with enough of a non-answer to fulfill the assignment.

To this day, I still hate those types of questions.

However, five years ago, I was contemplating what life might look like five years out. . . .  You see, it was five years ago this week that I was told, "We found cancer."  The initial things we heard caused us to start looking at where we (or ultimately where I and the kids would be) in three to five years.  Would my husband still be here?  How old would my kids be at this point - and would they be ready to face what seemed to be coming?  What would life look like between there and here?  Many, many more questions were going through my mind.

From the very day I heard the surgeon's words, I realized that I could end up as a single parent . . . I couldn't have envisioned, though, that  it would be my reality in less than seven months.  In fact, I don't think I could have visualized anything  that our lives were during those months.  None of the 'experts' predicted what our days would be.  Through the very end, our path was different than they thought it would be.

There were occasions when someone would ask me what I thought life would be like after my husband was gone (some more tactfully than others).  My thought was always, "I have NO IDEA how life will look on the other side of this!"  During that time, it was all I could manage to focus on that day - sometimes only that moment.  What I thought our day might be could be changed instantly by the vicious nausea or a sudden pain crisis.

And now - we have arrived at the five-year point for all of the events of that year.

Nothing I could have formulated would have looked anything like what life has been.

As I have looked back at some of the things I wrote down back then, my heart is thankful.  I have a God who never changes.  My first post about the cancer diagnosis  included the following paragraph: 

As I prepared to go to sleep that night, I felt wrapped in God's blessings.  The night before, I had gone to bed thanking God for His love, care, and total control in this situation.  That night, I realized that it was a great blessing to be able to do the same thing -- those factors had not changed.  God still loved us; He still cared for us; and He was still in control of every aspect of our situation.  This diagnosis may have been a surprise to us, but God already knew.  Through the emotional turmoil of the day, I was still blessed.

God has been with me every step of this journey.  At my most difficult moments - and no matter what my emotions want me to believe, I can still know that God is ultimately in control and that He works things according to His plan.

My follow-up post talked about plans being 'tentative' and about not being able to make concrete plans.

We were going through life as normally as possible.  Making plans as best we could, but everything was tentative.

Funny how that works -- The truth of the matter is that all of life is unknown, but we certainly don't live like it is.  We live like we know what will happen, but the reality is that we don't know.  Something like this just puts that fact in front of us and forces us to acknowledge it more.

That truth remains.  We don't know what a day will hold.  We don't know how our perceived paths may be altered, but we can trust that God knows the outcome.  We can choose to trust that He knows best.  Psalm 18:30 says, "As for God, His way is perfect."   It may not feel perfect, but God sees a bigger picture than we ever could.  I am grateful that God knows my outcome - as it says in Job 23:10, "He knoweth the way that I take:"  And in Psalm 47:4, it says, "He shall choose our inheritance for us."   

I am thankful for who God is!

On a rubber-meets-the-road kind of note, I will say that life isn't what I expected - but I think that is mainly because I had very few set expectations, and I'm not really sure what I expected.   I am simply doing my best to live life where I am - and follow God in doing so.

Some will ask what it is like getting to that 5-year mark.  I think if you asked a dozen people what it is like, you might get close to a dozen different answers.  The best way I can describe it is that it feels strange -- strange to have gotten that far out.  So much has changed, and yet - so much is the same.  It does feel odd when people ask how long it has been to say 'Five Years' -- I don't know why it feels any different than saying that it has been four years, but it does.

And so, life continues. . . .  Where do I see myself in five years?  I have no idea!  My plan is to keep walking on the path where God has placed me, doing my best to keep my eyes on Him, looking to Him for guidance, asking Him for direction at each decision point, trusting Him that He will make His way clear as we go forward. 

Where do I want to be in five years?  I want to simply be following God.

  Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.                                

 Psalm 143:8

Reflections on the Water

It seems as though it happens too often sometimes. . . .

Twice in one week during this past month, a friend had to say their final earthly good-bye to their husband.  Then, another friend had to do the same with her dad.  That same week, we made the decision to begin hospice care for my own dad - and just seven days later, he was gone from us . . . .

I've watched my friends as they have had to walk the path on which God had set them.  I've listened carefully to the things that have been said, knowing well that certain statements are more than the sum of their words.  I've paid attention, too, to the things that weren't being said, because - sometimes - it is those things that speak volumes.

My heart has ached deeply for each one as they have come to every juncture along the way.  I believe there is a different level of empathy  when you have walked a similar path - it gives deeper meaning to the scripture that tells us to 'weep with them that weep.'  (Romans 12:15)  The empathy comes close to being the original feelings from my own journey. . . .  I've had many nights of reduced sleep and many not-so-productive days as my heart has been heavy for my friends and my thoughts and prayers have been focused on them.

There have been points in time where I start to beg God to give people more time -- but more time may mean more suffering.  It is heart-rending to watch someone suffer -- it is equally heart-rending to know that the suffering will only end when they have taken their last breath on Earth and are no longer with us!  Do we desire more time as they suffer or an end to their suffering which means we must say good-bye for now??  Had someone been able to present me with those options, I couldn't have chosen either one.  That is where those two words that I've held onto become so very vital:  Trust and Surrender.

I choose to trust that God has a plan and that His plan is best.  I choose to surrender to His will and His timeline - to surrender my own plans and my own strength.  In those things I can rest.  God can be trusted -- He cannot lie, He is always good, and He never changes.  I can trust Him to work His will in His time.  When I surrender, it saves precious energy.

So instead of begging God for more time, I thank Him for being good and for having a plan and for His way being perfect.  (Psalm 18:30)  I thank Him for His grace and strength that I know He gives to those who choose to trust in Him.

I realize that all sounds very simple and cliche, but as I heard it put once, 'It is simple -- it just isn't easy.'  Simple and easy are two very different things.

I don't want anyone taking those statements and using them against someone else -- Don't tell someone that if they would just trust and surrender, everything would be fine.  Trusting God and surrendering to Him does make it easier  than if we resist Him, but there is no easy  way though any of this!  The reality is that suffering, grief, and loss are HARD !  Going through those things is also exhausting - in every way - and to an extent that words fail to describe.  I was able to see one of my dear friends for just a few minutes the day after her husband's memorial service.  I hugged her, told her I loved her and was praying for her, and then made a comment about words being inadequate.  She responded with, "But the exhaustion runs so very deep!"  Yes - it does.  I remember well - and even as an observer to another's journey, it comes again.

As I spent a weekend sitting with my dad, and in the days following, these thoughts have been foremost once again.  It it a privilege  to get to show care to someone - at any age or stage.  It is so very hard to watch someone's body wear out and fail -- especially when that body has been the 'soul carriage' for someone you love.

Because we live in a fallen world, death is a part of our reality.  We all face death for ourselves and for those around us.  Our only escape from death is after we have crossed over into eternity, having trusted Christ as Savior.  Until then, we will encounter and endure suffering, loss, and grief.  As we trust God and rest in His will, we also experience His love and comfort.

I am grateful for my God who loves me and never changes.  I'm grateful He can be trusted to have a plan and to work things out in His perfect way.  I am grateful that God gives us His presence and comfort as we walk the difficult paths of life. . . .

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 

II Corinthians 1:3-4

Family Update . . . and Reflecting on the Journey

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted . . . . The days do seem to slip away from me at times.

Life has been incredibly busy . . . I'm not sure it will ever really slow down.  I had been looking forward to the 'relaxed pace' of summer, but there was so much to be done that it felt as though it just sped past me.

Summer was good, just very busy as I said.  My youngest was the only one of my three who was still young enough to attend the basketball clinic that my children have gone to for the past 8 years . . . hard to believe he only has one more summer that he's still able to attend!  My daughter was disappointed that she had outgrown the program, and so she decided to contact the man who runs the program and ask if she could help.  He allowed her to do so, and I think she really enjoyed being on the 'other side' of the program.  It was good for her.

We had our usual Vacation Bible Time (VBT) at church, and everyone had their place.  This was my oldest's first year of being a helper.  Changes keep coming along. . .

Immediately after VBT, we left on vacation.  It was a good trip!  It is always good to get to go back to Pensacola and see friends . . . and always so hard to say goodbye when the visit is over!  We split up our drive home over 3 days and had some fun along the way.  We stopped at the Mark Twain Cave in Hannibal, MO.  The cave tour was a first for all of us.  The last day of our drive home, we were able to stop in and see some very dear friends.  That was a great blessing, too.

In August, we had camp.  This was Nathaniel's first year as a worker, and Jonathan's first year to get to go.  I believe they each had a good time.

Nathaniel also played softball on our church team again this summer.  His skills have improved, and it was noticed.

The remainder of our summer was spent on getting much-needed projects done.  And in the next blink of an eye, it seemed, it was time for school to start again.  This year, Nathaniel is a 10th grader, Esther is a 7th grader, and Jonathan is a 5th grader --  It is my last year of having an child in elementary.

This summer, we found out that Esther has some congenitally-missing teeth . . . so this fall we started the process with braces to properly align what is there and have her ready for implants when she gets older.

I was also able to get Jonathan in for a vision-function exam.  His eyesight is 20/20, but I knew there was more to the picture.  The eye fatigue is too great - and it gets to that level too quickly and too frequently.  The exam was very interesting.  It confirmed what I had concluded through observation and also gave me more insight to what is really going on.  This week, we start vision therapy.  They promise me the change will be dramatic.  I am praying that is the case.

We just ended volleyball season for Esther, and in a few short weeks, we will start up with basketball season for Esther and Nathaniel - the schedule is bound to be even crazier through all of that.  I'm enjoying these few short weeks of no sports schedule!

 As I've been sorting through things lately, I've been reminded of all we went through three years ago.  (FB likes to remind me, as well.)  I don't want those memories to weigh me down -- I want them to remind me to look upward.  Those were certainly hard days -- it was three years ago today that I was told that it was very likely that I was entering the final hours I would have with my husband . . . .   God saw fit to give us several more weeks.  It was the beginning of a very strange time -- A time for which I struggle to find the words to describe.  However, it was also a time of God's amazing power blazing brightly.

Amidst all that we faced, God gave His Peace that truly passes our understanding.  Aside from a few moments when I needed to realign my thoughts, there was no fear. Though there was a tremendous loss - both while Trent was still with us and after he was gone - there was no despair.  There was a settled peace amidst all of that. I still chuckle to myself when people comment about me being so strong through all of that - and I remind them that it wasn't my strength at all -- it was all of God's strength.  Through the depths of my weakness, He showed His incredible Power!

I never want to forget God's working in our lives through all that was - and has been.  God made His Presence so real to us - His Grace was more than abundant  - His Strength was amazing - His Peace was beyond words. 

We have an AWESOME God!  (I don't say that lightly.)  In my Sunday School class, I try to emphasize to my girls how truly INCREDIBLE God is!  God made each of us individually - and for a purpose.  God has a plan for each of our lives.  God loves us more than we could ever comprehend.  To top it off . . . HE NEVER CHANGES!   He will always love us!  

It is easy to get our eyes on our circumstances, but we need to never lose sight of Who God is and all that He does!  (Have you reflected lately on Who God is?)

So today - as I write these words - I allow a few tears to fall.  They are not tears of sadness.  They are tears of thankfulness and of being overwhelmed with God's Goodness to us.  For those who have followed me in this journey, if you shed tears today, I hope they will be the same.  I hope you will join me in thanking God for Who He is and for all He has done for us.

A New Year - A Year in Review

We have reached a new year again. . .

Looking back, this past year was very busy - so much so that I only posted twice.  Sometimes, life is that way.

The busyness of this past year included helping my parents sell their home and move into a senior-living facility.  It is amazing the amount of stuff that can be accumulated in 50 years!  (A good reminder to choose carefully what I save.)  There were many trips to Des Moines this past year, but the job did get done (much more so by my sister who lives local).  The process included a lot of decisions - some of them were not easy.  My dad, who was especially limited in what he could do, had a hard time with some of it.  At one point, I had to ask Dad to just trust me that I would do the best I could, even if it wasn't ideal.  It wasn't an easy road even after they moved.  There have been some unforeseen bumps in the road; but I still believe this was the right decision for them to make.  They are in a place where there is help available when they need it.  They are closer to my sister now.  They no longer have the burden of upkeep on their home.  These are all good things, even if there are difficult things that come along with it.

There has been much busyness here on the home front, too.  School is a factor during those months.  Sports add to the busyness during their respective seasons.  Currently, I have a 9th grader, a 6th grader, and a 4th grader.  They are all doing well in school.

My oldest is in his 3rd year playing basketball at school; and this summer, he added in playing for the men's softball league at church.  I think it was a good experience for him. (Definitely provided opportunities to discuss examples of good - and Christian - sportsmanship - and not-so-good sportsmanship.)

This year for basketball, he is playing on the JV team.  New year, new coach, new opportunities.  His team this year plays well together.  They communicate.  They pass.  This is no one-man show.  Everyone has the opportunity to dribble, pass, and shoot.  I enjoy seeing that kind of teamwork.

My daughter is old enough to play sports at school this year, too.  She played volleyball at the beginning of the school year, and I think she enjoyed that.  I know she enjoyed her coach -- a big thanks to her for all her work with the team!

Now the season is basketball.  The junior-high coach gave all the girls a challenge to spend a certain amount of time dribbling and to shoot a certain number of baskets over the summer.  The prize for doing so was to get to go shopping for a new basketball and $50 toward a new pair of shoes for basketball.  She worked hard and met the goals, and she is very proud of what she earned.  She is enjoying basketball, and that is good.

My youngest is not in sports yet, but wishes he was.  His time will come.  That youngest-child slot is sometimes a very difficult thing when trying to find a 'place' in life.  He is as creative and inquisitive as ever.  Today, he brought me breakfast in bed - his idea, and he did a great job.

There have been a few people who have gone out of their way to help fill voids for my children.  I never take those encounters for granted.  People who invest in my children are one of the greatest blessings.  Their efforts make a difference.

There have been some challenges this year, too, of course; but there are always challenges in life, no matter your circumstances.  God is always faithful, and He guides us through those challenges.  I was reminded during one of those challenges to seek what God has for me in them -- Is there a lesson I need to learn, or an area where I need to grow?  That's not always an easy perspective to take.

This past month, I was able to attend the wedding of someone very dear to me.  She was one of the flower girls in my wedding.  She was a beautiful bride.  Making that trip was a bit of a 'splurge', but I felt so blessed to be able to go.  I was able to see several friends who live far away.  It was a lovely time.

This has been my second year as a widow.  I've heard many times that the second year is harder than the first.  I wouldn't say it was harder - just different.  In general, people do react differently after that first year has passed.  I don't know that it is much different than any other thing in life (it just feels magnified sometimes).  Time moves forward.  Life has a definite rhythm.  I actually don't think a lot about the fact that I'm a widow.  I am where God has placed me in life, and I just keep walking.

Looking back, I am always in awe of God's grace and the fact that He cares for me.  I spent some time reading through old blog posts and my old pen-and-paper journal; and all I could think was, "Wow!  God has been so good to us through all these tough events."  At thanksgiving time, I talked to the girls in my Sunday School class about being most thankful for the things that can never change -- God never changes.  He will always love us.  He is always faithful.  He always keeps His promises.  Those are what I'm most thankful for!

Today is the beginning of a new calendar year.  I look forward to seeing what God has for us in the days to come, and I know He will be walking with us as long as we are following Him.

I Didn't Choose This Life

 . . . or did I?

It has been said to me by some, and suggested by others, that I did not choose this life, that I did not opt for my current life circumstances.

Those statements have caused me to step back and really consider:  Did I choose this life?  This life that consists of becoming a widow at 41, of being a single parent who is solely responsible for every single decision and who now has to juggle family, work, school, sports, activities, home life, and life stresses, etc. on my own -- Did I choose this life?

I can say with certainty that those options were not on any "Life Goals" list that I have ever seen or written; but does the fact that I've never specifically said, "I want to be a widowed, single mom." mean that I didn't choose this life? 

I've felt compelled to look deeper at what I did choose (and do choose) for life goals . . .

• Many years ago, I told God that I wanted His Will for my life, whatever that may be.  That was a choice I made.

• More times than I could count, I asked God to work His Will in my marriage.  I chose that request.

• I have sung songs - and meant them from my heart - about surrender to whatever God has for me.  I sing those words willingly.

A couple of other things that I had to consider as I was pondering:

• I believe that God has a plan.

• When circumstances are beyond my control, I am still trusting that they are under God's control.

So . . . In summary, my conclusion is this:

God has a plan, and He is in control.  He has ordered my circumstances.

I choose to submit to His plan and surrender to His control. . . 

Therefore

I Choose This Life!

Psalm 143:8   Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

It Feels . . .

It had been one of those days when it feels . . . .

• It feels  like everyone has forgotten me.
• It feels  like I am so very alone.
• It feels  like I don't matter.
• It feels  like there is judgements from too many sources.
• It feels  like I will never succeed at this single-parent thing.
• It feels  like the tears will never end.
• It feels  like the pressure from it all will surely make my head literally explode.

And then . . .

The Holy Spirit gently touches my heart.  I'm reminded of previous days when the feelings were so very intense and of how I made it through those days.

It is certain I didn't survive on feelings!  I was able to walk through those days by forcing myself to focus on the things that I know.

• I may feel  forgotten and alone, but I know  God is always with me and He has not forgotten me and He has a purpose for this path on which He has placed me. ( ". . .I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."   Heb. 13:5 )
• I may feel  judgement (and it may honestly be there), but I know  that I only answer to the few individuals to whom I've made myself accountable and ultimately to God Himself.  ( "So then, everyone of us shall give an account of himself to God"  Rom. 14:12 )
• I may feel  that the tears will never end, but I know  that God sees my tears and that He promises joy.  ( " . . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."   Ps. 30:5 )
• I may feel  that the pressure is just too great, but I know  God's strength is available to me if I choose to accept it.  ( "And He said unto me, '. . . My strength is made perfect in weakness.' "  II Cor.12:9)

_________________

God created mankind with feelings, but those feelings were not to be the driving force in life.  I must choose to live by what is constant - by what I know.

That day, I took each of those areas where it feels, and I acknowledged before God the truth of what I know. 

This process is emotionally and mentally exhausting.  I was left feeling spent, and my eyes still burned from the tears that had been shed. But the reward for the effort was there -- the weight was lifted, and I was at peace.

One Year Ago . . .

I am lying here awake again in the early hours of the morning (or the very late hours of the night, if you prefer) and thinking about one year ago.

Thinking about the steps I had to take . . . the conversations I had to have . . . the new path we were beginning.

In some ways, it seems so very long ago, and life feels worlds removed from that.  Yet I remember details very vividly - at least some of them, anyway.

As strange as it may seem, there are aspects where life doesn't feel so dramatically different.  There have been many adjustments, but we have faced them one day at a time - one step at a time.

I realized recently that I've been a single mom for a whole year now.  (Light bulb moment, I know.)  I don't know if I'll ever get used to that designation.  I fall short regularly. I feel that there's never enough of me for all that needs to be done.  I've caught myself thinking, "I'm not cut out for single parenthood."  The reality is, though, that God has put me in this place, and I choose to believe He has a purpose.

I had someone remark again recently that they think I am such a strong person.  I'll share a little something here -- I've never felt weaker than I have the past year and a half.  I am NOT strong.  God is strong . . . and in His grace and mercy, He has strengthened me.

So, I continue in this path, looking to Him and asking Him to make Himself seen through my circumstances.

We have made it to Christmas break and can put away the responsibilities of school for a little bit.  I'm needing this break as much as the kids are, I think.

We will be busy at least for a few days yet -- it suddenly occurred to me that Christmas is actually in just a few days, and I have yet to have a menu planned or groceries purchased.  I'm thinking I should get working on that . . . and other details, too.  :-)

That being said, I might need to consider some sleep, too.

Good night.

Tis the Season

This time of year signals so many things . . .

We have just come from the Thanksgiving season, abreviated though it seems in our culture.  I try to keep a mindset of thanksgiving.  Through all of the changes over the past two years, I still believe with all my heart that there is so very much for which to be thankful.  God is good, and He has blessed us in so many ways, and He never changes -- He has always been and will always be good!

These days are flying by and filled with Christmas shopping, baking, school activities, recitals, basketball games, and programs (to name a few).

I don't know whether it is the mental references from last year or the increased level of activities, but life has taken on a feeling again that the rest of the world is moving at a different pace, and I find it a bit overwhelming trying to keep up with the busy-ness of it all. 

I see struggles in the kids, too.  It started the week before Thanksgiving.  I started hearing references to last year and how different - abnormal - it was.  One of the kids told me that they can't stop their thoughts from playing over and over.  One of them told me that they can't remember what Dad sounded like.  Sometimes, it is the things the kids don't say more than what they do say.   Even all of the 'fun' Christmas events at school are reminders of last year.  So . . .  This year is a little bit weighty.  Next year will be easier.

The most important focus, though, is Christmas -- the true meaning for all of the celebrations.  God became flesh and dwelt among us and gave His life to redeem us.  He is the reason we can have the hope of Heaven.

Congruent Paths

There are events in life we expect to experience - things such as graduations, marriage, and parenthood.  There are other events in life we never plan to experience, but they happen anyway.  I certainly never planned to become a widow.

Earlier this week, I wrote two letters -- one to a new widow, and one to a wife whose husband recently transitioned to hospice care.  I never thought I'd be looking at these scenarios with a perspective of experience.

I've long held the belief that we are responsible for what we've been given -- not just material items, but knowledge and experience, too.

Those days last year aren't hard to remember.  As tough as those days were, in retrospect, they were much easier than they could have been.  God gave us a wonderful team with the doctors and nurses and social workers from Methodist.  I had to make some hard decisions, but they helped to keep the process simple.

If our experiences can help to make just one person's journey even a little easier, then that is what I want to do.

I attended a funeral service at my church last week.  The last funeral at my church was my husband's.  This funeral was for the former pastor of the church, affectionately referred to simply as, "Preacher" -- he had been my husband's pastor for most of his life.  I found a picture of my husband and Preacher from our wedding.   It seemed a very apropos tribute.  They are both now free from the sufferings of this life on Earth.  They are experiencing the promise of Heaven. 

Routines Again

I thought life would slow down at least a little bit with the kids back in school, but not so. 

We are definitely back in the routine of school -- uniforms, lunches, homework, etc.  I thought I'd have a bit more 'free time' when the kids went back to school, but my days are typically filled.  I'm doing projects around the house and working on keeping things 'on track'.    After the kids are in bed, my mind is too tired to focus much on writing.

I've referenced before that I have to take things at a different pace than I used to -- I have to be careful to not use all my energy while the kids are at school, because there has to be enough of me left to finish out the day with them.  Sometimes, that frustrates me -- I want to accomplish more at each setting, but I have to accept that this is my life circumstance, and I need to make the best of it.

Since my last post, my youngest turned 8 (and his arm has healed nicely).  Last year, his birthday was surrounded by all of our transfer-to-hospice events; and those were the things he thought about when he thought about his birthday.  I wanted to change that.  It wasn't anything major, but I did do a little more than I normally do -- we needed to create new birthday memories.  At the end of the day, he said to me, "This was the most special birthday - ever!"  I am thankful for new memories.

The kids and I were also able to take a two-day trip to Duluth.  None of us had ever been there, and the weather was perfect for our excursion.  We were able to visit Spyglass Point, Palisade Head, and Gooseberry Falls.  The second day, we were able to see the lift bridge, train museum, and visit some unique shops.  It was a good trip.

I know I haven't written much specifically about grieving.  Maybe I need to say something about that.  I am not denying my grief, nor am I trying to come across as being unaffected by it - as 'having it all together'.   The 'experts' will often say, grief is a very personal experience -- no two people experience it quite the same.  I would add that each experience for the same person differs from another. Though losing my husband and being thrust into the category of single-parenthood are certainly 'firsts' for me, this is not my first experience with grief.  I have lost others who were very dear to me, and I have grieved deeply.  Through those other experiences, I learned lessons.  Those realities affect how I am grieving this loss.  I do grieve.  I may just do it a little (or a lot) differently than the next person.

I mentioned previously (Marking Days) that I don't like remembering dates associated with difficult events, but it is a reality - and very much so lately.  One year ago, we were experiencing difficult days.  We were already under hospice care.  Trent had worked his final days at his job.  I knew when people called and asked to come visit that they were aware it may be the last time they would see him here on Earth.  We were in our final days at home.  Some days, I had to remind myself to breathe. 

It's hard to believe that it has been nearly a year since the day that I was told we might have only hours left together. . . .

While I cannot prevent those memories from coming to mind, I have a choice regarding what I do with those memories.  I could allow my mind to 'park' there; however, I don't believe that would be a beneficial choice.  When those memories come, I accept that reality as part of my life story, and I direct my mind to focus on how we got through those days -- through acknowledging God's control over all those circumstances we couldn't control, and thanking Him for who He is and the fact that He never changes.  He loves us, cares for us, and will never leave us -- and He has a plan for our lives.  That discipline has been key to this journey.  The tears come, but they don't stay.  Psalm 30:5 -- ". . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

I know of several people now facing difficult days -- some of them, it seems likely may end up losing their spouse.  It is hard to see that.  It's one thing for me to go through that -- it is another thing all together to watch someone else go through it.  Just as for myself, sometimes I can't find words to put to my prayers for them.  I am thankful our God knows our hearts, and He doesn't need our words in order to hear our prayers.  I know this -- the same God who has walked with me in this journey will walk with them, too.  The same peace and comfort and grace and presence that He has given me is available to them, as well.  He is ". . . the God of all comfort;  Who comforteth us . . ., that we may be able to comfort them . . . by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted. . . ."  (II Corinthians 1:3 - 4)  God is faithful, and that will never change. 

I am thankful God IS who He IS!

Pause . . . and Back in Step

I've been absent from my blog for a while.  We have had a very, very busy summer here -- so much so that I hardly have time to stop and collect my thoughts.

The summer started with a three-day basketball program that my kids have done now for several years.  They look forward to it and always have a great time -- this year was no exception.

That week was also busy with vacation preparations, and the (early) morning after b-ball ended, we left for a much-needed vacation.  

Our first day of driving was quite a long one.  We had been on the road a couple of hours when my daughter commented to me that this was the first vacation that we were taking with just the four of us being our whole family.  (Sometimes she is a 'master of the obvious'.)  It was just a simple statement of fact, but that phrase, 'family of four' - has been hard to get used to.  I had to take a deep breath before replying to that one. . . .    The kids did great on the drive, and we arrived safe and sound.  We started out by visiting the Creation Museum.  We had heard about it, and the kids were really wanting to go.  They enjoyed it greatly.  Now, they talk about going back in a couple of years when the 'Ark Encounter' opens.  If you have the opportunity to go, you should.

From there, we continued on to Pensacola.  I hadn't been back there in 8 years, but having lived there for nearly 7 years, it always feels like 'going home' when I return.  We stayed with friends, and had a good visit.  I wanted to keep things simple, so I only made 2 promises to the kids for our time there -- the beach and the Naval Aviation Museum.  Both were a hit with the kids, and we even made a quick trip to Fort Pickens and they were able to see several osprey on the way.  My friend Amy did me worlds of good those days -- she had the meals planned for the week, and she decided our schedule, too.  That was such a blessing to not have to be in charge of every minute detail.  It was a wonderful reprieve!

After our all-too-short stay in Pensacola, we started the trek home.  My kids have heard me talk about Lambert's Café as a great memory from my college days, and I wanted them to have the experience, too.  We stopped there for dinner, and then I decided to drive 2 more hours before stopping for the night -- I wanted to make that last day of driving just a little bit shorter.

My oldest got the idea in his head that he would really like to see the Gateway Arch .  We were so close that I couldn't really turn him down, so that was our stop before we started the drive for the day.  The kids really liked getting to go to the top of the arch.  It was a good start to the day.

We arrived home late that evening, and we hit the ground running.  We have had one thing after another since we got back home. 

We have also had two birthdays this summer.  It started with my oldest turning 13!  The following month, my daughter hit double digits.

This week was our first week of the summer that nothing was on the schedule, and so we were finally able to make plans to meet up with some friends that we haven't seen in a long time.  We walked to the park near their home, and we had not been there even 2 minutes when my youngest fell and broke his wrist.  Now, we have several other things to add to our schedule and plans.  (Yes, he will be fine.  He's currently splinted well, and we should be getting a cast this coming week.)

The facility where I took him is the same place I took Trent initially last year.  I hesitated just a moment, knowing that sometimes memories can come on strong and kind of knock the wind out of a person.  I couldn't be a puddle of tears when I needed to focus on J's needs.  I prayed for God to rule my emotions.  I didn't have a problem going in there, but I had forgotten about the family medical history form and the fact that I would have to list his dad as 'deceased' -- that caught me off guard momentarily.  I breathed a quick prayer, and the 'moment' passed quickly as I felt God's strength and peace wash over me.  What a wonderful God we serve!

We are in full swing here preparing for camp.  Since my kids have food allergies, camp means that this mama has a great deal of work preparing their meals for the week.  I have two of my three that are old enough for camp this year.  I like to go along as kitchen help, and that is the plan again this year.  My youngest will get to spend the week with an aunt and uncle and cousins (though he's not sure about being away from me for those days), and it sounds like the schedule for follow-up appointments for his wrist should work out with that being a week we do not have to go in for a check. 

As soon as we return from camp, it will be time to get ready for the new school year.

It is rarely a dull moment around here.  There is always something needing to be done.  Just when I think there's a lull, things - like a broken wrist - pop up. 

Through all of our daily happenings, I see God's continual faithfulness and His wonderful blessings and care for us -- even in the circumstances surrounding J's broken wrist.  Since we had been planning to be out for the day, we had lunch packed.  That meant that the older two did not have to wait until 4 p.m. to have lunch.  It also was perfect in the setting.  Since there weren't others in the waiting room, the staff let my kids choose the channel on the TV ( and . . . since we don't really watch network TV, they chose PBS).  I didn't have to be concerned about what inappropriate content might be on the afternoon talk shows.  It is easy to second guess myself these days; and after I found out that the orthopedic clinic has a walk-in urgent care, I wondered if maybe I hadn't made the right choice about where to bring him initially.  God gave me reassurance today when I found out that the orthopedic clinic is not set up to do conscious sedation; so if we had gone there, J would have had to be awake when they set his arm (and it did not set easily).  I'm thankful God led me to the Urgency Room instead of the clinic.

So, that is a snapshot view of what our summer has been thus far.  We are keeping busy, for sure; and continuing to move forward, asking the LORD to show us the steps He would have us to take along this path He has put us on in life.  I am thankful for all the things that God has done for us in this journey and for who He is, and I look forward to what God has for us in His perfect plan.  God is good!

Marking Days

As much as I don't like to mark dates for when difficult things happen, I think it is just the way our human minds work.

It was one year ago today that we were told my husband had 'a mass'.  Not one of his doctors thought it was cancer.  They believed it was an inflamatory-type mass.  The worst they thought was that it could possibly be a Crohn's-related mass with damage to the intestine from the disease.  That day, we thought we were facing some kind of 'incident' in life -- something we would deal with and move on.  We had no idea that we were starting a journey which would change life forever.  I'm thankful that God knows the timelines of our lives from beginning to end and that He walks with us every step of the way.  This was unexpected by us, but - somehow - it fits into God's plan for our lives.

Looking back on the past year is interesting.  I think there are positive and negative aspects of looking back.  Sometimes, it is overwhelming to consider how much has happened since just one year ago.  In remembering, I have to be careful.  There are times when I feel drawn into those events and all the emotions that went along with them.  I think it would be easy to put myself in a downward spiral if I allowed my mind to dwell on the past for too long.

The positive aspect of looking back, I think, is in reflecting -- calling to mind the ways that God blessed and provided and comforted -- purposing to see His goodness through all those events -- asking Him to help me learn the lessons intended for me.

This past year was one that required me to actively live out what I believe.  I think, often, we live through the daily routines without giving much thought to our beliefs.  Those beliefs don't feel as though they are being tested every day of our lives.  I say I trust God, that I've surrendered all areas of my life to Him -- This past year I had to actively live that out.  I had to purposely acknowledge that God was in control of my life and had to consciously decide to submit to His plan for my life.  I also say that I want to be obedient to God.  God says in His Word, "In everything give thanks."  Purposing to be thankful, I believe, was key to having God's peace and comfort through it all.  (Psalm 28:13  "I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.")

As much as this one-year mark causes me to look back, it also causes me to look forward.  One year ago today, I had no idea what the days ahead of me would hold.  Even so, today, I have no idea what the days yet to come will hold.  I believe with all my heart that God has a plan.  I'm glad life isn't a matter of happenstance.  I am thankful that God is all powerful and all knowing, full of love and mercy, and never changing.   I look forward to the future because I believe that if I am obedient to His leading, He will be my constant companion in the days to come.

Rhythm

There is an emotional place in grief where time loses its normal sense of being - a time warp, if you will.  It is the meeting place of "I can't believe it has been 'x' amount of time already" and "It feels like forever ago."  It is easy to feel a little lost in that place.  I believe it is part of the process.

I realized this week that it feels like I've been starting to move beyond that place.  All of the events of this past year, all of the things we went through that concluded with Trent's death have a consistent sense of moving further into the past as we encounter each new day.

The days are passing more quickly, and there is a definite pattern to our days.  We are getting a new 'rhythm' -- that pace and flow of daily life.  I have had to make many adjustments to my old rhythm.  I have to pace myself differently than before.  Some of those adjustments are temporary, and  some are more permanent.  The kids are learning this new 1-parent household has to have some different rhythms from the simple fact that mom is only one person, and she has her limitations.

Most of the things that have needed relatively-immediate attention have been taken care of, and the remaining layers of details have a less pressing nature about them.  It is a good thing.

I am trying to plan something of a vacation this summer.  I'm not very good at making plans; and I really don't have a lot of energy to 'go and do' a bunch of things.  I have a few ideas for trying to balance my kids' desires to be actively 'doing' things and my own desire for calm and rest.  I'm working on that - even if it is slowly.

The past few weeks, I am hearing the kids talk about their dad more.  It is all part of the cycles of grief.  My youngest wanted to take something very special to school for Show and Tell.  Trent and I had picked out custom music boxes for the kids as a gift from him to keep forever, and Jonathan wanted to show his class.   I was hesitant to let it go to school because I know it would be terrible heartbreak if something happened to it, but I heard it once - and then twice - and then a third time.  When I said he could show his class, but that I would bring it and give it to his teacher, he talked about it every day until the appointed day arrived.  This was a big thing to him.  I'm glad we were able to work it out.  He had a great sense of satisfaction afterward.  Somehow, that fit into his grieving process, and it was a good thing for him.

There have been several necessary discussions with the kids lately about focusing on the good things in life.  I shared with them how God had impressed on my heart last year when this all began that I needed to look for the blessings.  I believe heeding that prompting made all the difference in this last year.  I don't want it to seem that I am denying that things were tough -- they were, indeed; but I don't want to dwell on the difficulties.  I want my children to learn to focus on the good.  We, of course, have talked about the things that people have done for us and the ways that God provided for us.  It was needed to talk about those things again, and so we did.  We are making it a regular practice now to purposely discuss the blessings of the day.

I am thankful for God's consistent presence and comfort.  I am thankful for the new rhythms in life.  Each new day is an opportunity to acknowledge God in our lives - and opportunity to seek His direction, to obey His leading, to honor Him with our lives, and to see His faithfulness and goodness.  I want to be purposeful in doing those things.

Steps

One step at a time, one day at a time, we are moving forward.

These days are characterized by routines.  It's a good thing.  The routines that have been in place have helped life to feel stable for the kids.  They are doing well.  My youngest still struggles a bit more than the other two.  He is the one who wrestles with insecurity.  It will take a while to rebuild a sense of security with him, but we will get there in time.

I am doing OK, too.  Some days are more difficult than others, but God sustains.  There are days when my mind tries to re-live moments from the past year.  There is a fine line between remembering and re-living.  The latter is not a healthy way to try to live.  God gave me grace to go through those moments.  That grace was for each day as I faced it.  Just as I did then, I need to live each day now with the grace that God gives me specifically crafted for today.  I cannot borrow from the past.

I still feel somewhat unsettled when it comes to finding a new 'fit' in life.  Several of the old 'places' I held are now gone.  I know it will come with time, but it is not easy to feel out of place so often.  I frequently must remind myself that who I am is not defined by what I do or what title I have.  My sense of who I am and where I am in life must be founded in Christ.

This month has gone by quickly.  I've been able, though, to get many details taken care of.  There are more details to which I still need to attend.  There are also decisions I need to make.  There is a part of me that wants to rush forward and just get it all done, but I need to be sure that I'm making the right decisions and taking the right steps.  It is a very different position to be solely responsible for every decision that must be made and every action that is taken.  I am thankful for good counsel.

Through everything that this past year held, and through everything we face now or will face in the future, I have absolute confidence that God has been, is, and will be with us.  To be candid, yes, I do wonder sometimes what God's purpose and plan are for some of the things we have experienced; but that is where faith fits in this scheme of life.  I would love to have all the answers, but that is God's place to choose to reveal them to me - or not.  I don't need to have the answers in order to be able to trust.  Even without knowing His purpose, I can still trust that He has one.

I am looking forward to what God has for us ( and I am trying to be patient ).  God is good, and He works the details of our lives for our good and for His Glory.  My prayer is that I will be submissive to His will, and that His working will be evident in our lives.

A New Year

The year of 2013 has come to an end.  At its beginning, we never could have envisioned the things we would encounter throughout its course.  It was quite a year.

I know God was with us each step of the way.

The past couple of weeks have been busy.  Trent's memorial service was on Dec. 20th.  So many people, both near and far away, showed great love and support. 

Immediately following, we were busy with preparations for Christmas.  I kept things as simple as possible.  Christmas Eve, we attended church together; and Christmas Day, the four of us had a nice, quiet day at home.  It has been good to be back together.

Today, I returned to the 2-year-old Children's Church class.  I've missed 'my kids'.  I have worked in this class for almost 16 years.  Trent and I used to work it together.  I wasn't sure how it would feel going back in there, but it felt good -- good to be back in a place of ministry.

I have been asked a couple of times how life feels now.  I don't have an answer for that question.  There is no doubt that life is different now; but the fact is that our lives have been so far removed from 'normal' for so long that there just isn't a comparison.  Life is just life - one day at a time.  There have been several adjustments -- and there will be many more.  We will face each one as it comes.

We are still working on establishing that 'new normal'.  This week, school will resume, and I think it will be good for the kids to get back in that routine.

Through everything that 2013 was, I am thankful for the ways that God revealed Himself to us.  He worked in our lives in a big way.  I hope that we learned the lessons He had for us.  I hope I will always remember His Presence and Grace and Peace that He afforded us.

I don't know what 2014 holds for us, but I don't worry about it.  I know that God has a plan for us for this coming year.  I pray we will be open to His leading in our lives.  I pray God allows us to be a blessing to others this coming year as so many have been to us.

One Journey Ends and A New One Begins

I've been thinking about this position of starting a new journey.  I struggle a little with being defined in it.  Is it a journey of Widowhood or of Single Parenthood or is it a journey for my children of being 'Fatherless'? 

I suppose it is a little of each of those things.  However, though there may be those aspects in our lives, those things cannot be what defines us.

Who we are has not changed.  Yes, our circumstances affect us in various ways; but they do not change the essence of us.

Some of the unchanging facts are these: 

• We have a loving God - a Heavenly Father - who created each of us for a purpose.

• We belong to Him.

• He will never leave us or forsake us.

• If we let Him, He will guide us on this new journey.

We came to the end of that path called Cancer.

Now, we walk a new path; but we walk it in the same way that we walked the old path - one step at a time, living each day as God gives it to us -- and living it as best as we are able to do so.

I have no idea what this journey will look like.  I don't know what the future holds -- I never did; but God holds our future in His hands, and I know we are safe.

The End of the Path

The last several days were marked by consistent decline.  The delirium had returned.  Trent's overall condition was very much like the day I brought him to the hospital at the end of October.  (End in Sight)  There were also new issues that we did not deal with back then.

I let our pastor know.  I called family.  I sat with him - watching and listening.  I watched for signs of discomfort because he wasn't able to articulate what he was feeling.  I listened to his breathing.  I listened to his words, most of which stemmed from the delirium.  I tried to calm his frustrations that were coming from the strange messages his brain was sending him. 

Yesterday was definitely a more difficult day.  I knew we were incredibly close to the end.  I did my best to keep him comfortable.  The kids came for a brief visit.

I sat by his side during the night.  I dozed off here and there.  About 6:20 this morning, I was suddenly awake.  I knew.  Trent's suffering is finished.  He rests in the arms of his Savior.

I called my pastor, and we made plans for meeting with the kids.  There simply is no easy way to have that conversation, but it went as well as could be expected.  I am grateful far beyond words for the incredible support of our pastor and his wife.

So far today, it has been all about the details.  There are still many details to which I need to attend.

God has shown His incredible goodness and grace through all of this, including the timing and surrounding circumstances.  He is good!

Thank you so much for all of your prayers.

One Day at a Time

This past week was a little more difficult.  Thanksgiving Day certainly was different than any other holiday observance.  There were a few visitors and phone calls, but mostly, the day was quiet - quieter than usual since several of the residents were gone to be with their families.

The fact that it was a holiday week gave place to thinking about all of the changes that have occurred this year -- and those yet to come.

Of course, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the 'Holiday Season'.  That, in itself, is hard to process.  I can't make plans.  At this stage of life, there isn't even a small degree of what can be 'reasonably expected'.  The best I can do is to formulate a few vague 'If / Then' scenarios.

Last week, Trent's wedding ring would no longer stay on his finger.  I asked him if he wanted me to wrap it with tape so it would stay on.  He handed it back to me and told me he didn't need it.  I had tried to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I would need to remove his ring at some point, but I was totally unprepared for him to hand it back to me.  It was hard.

Yesterday, there was a marked increase in Trent's level of fatigue and weakness. 

I think one of the hardest things I deal with is not knowing exactly where we are in this journey.  It requires me to continually surrender myself to the timeline that God has for us.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating:  The greatest comfort through all of the uncertainties that we have been through has been knowing, without a doubt, that God is in control and that He has a plan for our lives and that He loves us and will work His plan in His time.  Daily we see God's goodness to us.  He continues to provide for our needs and shows us His love through those who He has placed in our lives.

We appreciate your prayers for us as we continue our journey.