One step at a time, one day at a time, we are moving forward.
These days are characterized by routines. It's a good thing. The routines that have been in place have helped life to feel stable for the kids. They are doing well. My youngest still struggles a bit more than the other two. He is the one who wrestles with insecurity. It will take a while to rebuild a sense of security with him, but we will get there in time.
I am doing OK, too. Some days are more difficult than others, but God sustains. There are days when my mind tries to re-live moments from the past year. There is a fine line between remembering and re-living. The latter is not a healthy way to try to live. God gave me grace to go through those moments. That grace was for each day as I faced it. Just as I did then, I need to live each day now with the grace that God gives me specifically crafted for today. I cannot borrow from the past.
I still feel somewhat unsettled when it comes to finding a new 'fit' in life. Several of the old 'places' I held are now gone. I know it will come with time, but it is not easy to feel out of place so often. I frequently must remind myself that who I am is not defined by what I do or what title I have. My sense of who I am and where I am in life must be founded in Christ.
This month has gone by quickly. I've been able, though, to get many details taken care of. There are more details to which I still need to attend. There are also decisions I need to make. There is a part of me that wants to rush forward and just get it all done, but I need to be sure that I'm making the right decisions and taking the right steps. It is a very different position to be solely responsible for every decision that must be made and every action that is taken. I am thankful for good counsel.
Through everything that this past year held, and through everything we face now or will face in the future, I have absolute confidence that God has been, is, and will be with us. To be candid, yes, I do wonder sometimes what God's purpose and plan are for some of the things we have experienced; but that is where faith fits in this scheme of life. I would love to have all the answers, but that is God's place to choose to reveal them to me - or not. I don't need to have the answers in order to be able to trust. Even without knowing His purpose, I can still trust that He has one.
I am looking forward to what God has for us ( and I am trying to be patient ). God is good, and He works the details of our lives for our good and for His Glory. My prayer is that I will be submissive to His will, and that His working will be evident in our lives.
Showing posts with label Never Alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Never Alone. Show all posts
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Candid Thoughts
For the general public, I am an emotionally-reserved person. Some people have said that I never cry or that things never bother me. I even had one person comment that I had been totally unaffected by all of the events of this year with my husband -- nothing could be further from the truth.
I thought maybe it could be a help to someone else to know some of these things that I have gone through thus far.
When the comment was made (and it was said ever so kindly and appropriately) that help was being offered so others could do for my children what I could not do for them right now, it did hurt. The fact is that what it hurt was my pride. Pride separates us from others, but worse than that is the fact that pride separates us from and puts us at odds with God -- that's not a place I want to be. I choose to lay aside that pride and be genuinely thankful for what is being done for me.
The times that I fail are really no different than any other point in life. I have to ask forgiveness, do my best to make things right, and move forward. Period.
When I am overwhelmed and it feels too hard, those are the moments when I must shift my focus upward. I cry out to God -- it may be just a simple, "Dear God, please help me!" or "Lord, I need Your strength because I just don't have any of my own!" I thank God for giving us today and try very hard to find blessings in the day and the moments.
There have been several points in time when I have told the Lord that I don't want to do this! However, my heart's desire is to live a life pleasing to Him. So, I follow that statement with, "If I must walk this path, then help me to do so in a way that honors You." I know that, if God has this path for me to walk, then He will give me the strength to do it if I just stay close to Him.
When people say or do things that hurt, I do my absolute best to just let it go. I have asked for help in situations where a person just maybe needs to hear it from a different perspective. In the end, though, my goal is to extend grace to people. I'm not perfect, either, and I'm absolutely sure that I don't always say or do the right things. We all need grace. And, if, maybe someone truly was being unkind, well -- that's not my problem. Only God knows a person's heart, and that is His place to take care of a problem there.
Even though it is hard when people distance themselves, I don't hold that against anyone. I do understand that each person has their own set of circumstances they are dealing with and that it is simply too much at times to add to the burden they are already carrying. One very dear friend admitted that they needed to distance themselves a little because it hasn't been too terribly long since they had a loss in their family, and our current experiences have caused them to feel that grief all over again. I understand that. I think it took a lot for this friend to open up about that, too. It is a growing process for all.
The conversations about 'the natural progression of things' are sometimes necessary, I suppose, to some degree at least and from certain sources. It doesn't make it any easier to hear, and it doesn't make me want to hear it any more. It's just one of those really tough things about this journey.
The emotions are a very big part of this journey, and I know they will come in varying forms. Fear is natural, but what I do with that fear is what is most important. When I turn that fear over to God and replace that fear with trust, then I can have peace. When I let the fears have free course, that's when the panic hits. I do have questions about what the future holds, but I cannot let fear reign. I told my husband a few months ago that I was confident that, just as God has a plan for his life, He has a plan for me and the kids, too. I do not believe that God wants our lives ruled by fear, and it is an active choice to trust and not fear.
When I feel like a failure, I need to check my perspectives. It may be that I have failed in an area that I can correct. If that is the case, then I need to make those corrections. Sometimes, though, those feelings are because my expectations are not what they should be. Way back when this all started - long before we knew what we would be facing now - my dear friend Francie said to me that I would need to learn to accept 'good enough as good enough', that this is not 'normal life'. There are many things I wish I could change that I simply cannot. I am doing my best to balance the things I must take care of. There are many things that I cannot take care of the way I would like to or the way I have in the past. I don't have the time to spend with my children that I really wish I could, so I do the best I can to still make life enjoyable for them and to make the moments that I do have with them moments that really count. Life isn't 'ideal' right now, but it is where God has placed us, and He has a purpose for doing so. I want to learn the lessons He has for me, and I want to help my children learn about God's love and grace through this, as well.
It is true that there have been many tough moments along this path, but God's goodness has been right there, too, and there is much for which to be thankful. I am thankful for God's grace and patience and forgiveness. I am thankful for His ever-constant presense -- He has never left us alone. I am thankful that He loves me in spite of my failures. I am thankful, too, for those that He has put in our lives who have walked along side us in this journey thus far. God has been so good to us, and I feel blessed beyond measure.
I thought maybe it could be a help to someone else to know some of these things that I have gone through thus far.
- I am absolutely human in every way. There is no item in my wardrobe containing a large S on the chest. If there were such an item, it would be in the wrong home. It is true that I am, by nature, strong willed and independent and a care-taker and a problem-solver. But . . . just like anyone else, I have emotions, and I have 'limits', and my strength fails -- I fail.
- Some days, I do feel overwhelmed!
- Some days, it feels too hard! There are moments when I feel, "I can't do this!" Later, I look back and feel so stupid for feeling that way because I have to do it -- it's not a choice.
- I don't want to do this!
- It hurts me greatly when people are harsh with me or my kids. I already know I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect, either -- I know that, too. Yes, I absolutely want them to be well behaved and to obey, and I don't want to make excuses for bad behavior, BUT sometimes, I just want to say to people, "REALLY?? You can't extend them (me) just a little bit of grace right now? Do you realize at all what we are dealing with?"
- It is hard when people distance themselves. I know sometimes it is just circumstances. Sometimes it is because they don't know what to say or do. Sometimes they feel badly because their situation turned out differently than ours.
- It absolutely rips my heart out when people reference 'the natural progression of things' or the fact that things are 'just to be expected.' I'm not in denial, I just really don't want to think about it all the time or have people talk about it. The same goes for references to life on the other side of this situation.
- There are times I experience fear. There have been some moments when that fear has resulted in feeling panic.
- I feel like a failure. I can't do for my husband what I want to do - to fix it. I can't do for my children what I want to do and feel I need to do. Things have been set in place to do for my kids the things I can't do for them right now. (Where is that shirt with the big 'S' when I need it?) There are things that we have done as tradition that we can't do right now. As much as I try to keep things as normal as possible, the fact is that I can't keep it normal because life simply is NOT normal right now.
When the comment was made (and it was said ever so kindly and appropriately) that help was being offered so others could do for my children what I could not do for them right now, it did hurt. The fact is that what it hurt was my pride. Pride separates us from others, but worse than that is the fact that pride separates us from and puts us at odds with God -- that's not a place I want to be. I choose to lay aside that pride and be genuinely thankful for what is being done for me.
The times that I fail are really no different than any other point in life. I have to ask forgiveness, do my best to make things right, and move forward. Period.
When I am overwhelmed and it feels too hard, those are the moments when I must shift my focus upward. I cry out to God -- it may be just a simple, "Dear God, please help me!" or "Lord, I need Your strength because I just don't have any of my own!" I thank God for giving us today and try very hard to find blessings in the day and the moments.
There have been several points in time when I have told the Lord that I don't want to do this! However, my heart's desire is to live a life pleasing to Him. So, I follow that statement with, "If I must walk this path, then help me to do so in a way that honors You." I know that, if God has this path for me to walk, then He will give me the strength to do it if I just stay close to Him.
When people say or do things that hurt, I do my absolute best to just let it go. I have asked for help in situations where a person just maybe needs to hear it from a different perspective. In the end, though, my goal is to extend grace to people. I'm not perfect, either, and I'm absolutely sure that I don't always say or do the right things. We all need grace. And, if, maybe someone truly was being unkind, well -- that's not my problem. Only God knows a person's heart, and that is His place to take care of a problem there.
Even though it is hard when people distance themselves, I don't hold that against anyone. I do understand that each person has their own set of circumstances they are dealing with and that it is simply too much at times to add to the burden they are already carrying. One very dear friend admitted that they needed to distance themselves a little because it hasn't been too terribly long since they had a loss in their family, and our current experiences have caused them to feel that grief all over again. I understand that. I think it took a lot for this friend to open up about that, too. It is a growing process for all.
The conversations about 'the natural progression of things' are sometimes necessary, I suppose, to some degree at least and from certain sources. It doesn't make it any easier to hear, and it doesn't make me want to hear it any more. It's just one of those really tough things about this journey.
The emotions are a very big part of this journey, and I know they will come in varying forms. Fear is natural, but what I do with that fear is what is most important. When I turn that fear over to God and replace that fear with trust, then I can have peace. When I let the fears have free course, that's when the panic hits. I do have questions about what the future holds, but I cannot let fear reign. I told my husband a few months ago that I was confident that, just as God has a plan for his life, He has a plan for me and the kids, too. I do not believe that God wants our lives ruled by fear, and it is an active choice to trust and not fear.
When I feel like a failure, I need to check my perspectives. It may be that I have failed in an area that I can correct. If that is the case, then I need to make those corrections. Sometimes, though, those feelings are because my expectations are not what they should be. Way back when this all started - long before we knew what we would be facing now - my dear friend Francie said to me that I would need to learn to accept 'good enough as good enough', that this is not 'normal life'. There are many things I wish I could change that I simply cannot. I am doing my best to balance the things I must take care of. There are many things that I cannot take care of the way I would like to or the way I have in the past. I don't have the time to spend with my children that I really wish I could, so I do the best I can to still make life enjoyable for them and to make the moments that I do have with them moments that really count. Life isn't 'ideal' right now, but it is where God has placed us, and He has a purpose for doing so. I want to learn the lessons He has for me, and I want to help my children learn about God's love and grace through this, as well.
It is true that there have been many tough moments along this path, but God's goodness has been right there, too, and there is much for which to be thankful. I am thankful for God's grace and patience and forgiveness. I am thankful for His ever-constant presense -- He has never left us alone. I am thankful that He loves me in spite of my failures. I am thankful, too, for those that He has put in our lives who have walked along side us in this journey thus far. God has been so good to us, and I feel blessed beyond measure.
Friday, June 28, 2013
And So We Begin a New Path
The path we are walking now has a name -- It's called Cancer.
On May 21st, my husband went in to have surgery to remove what we believed was an 'inflammatory mass'. They would remove a small amount of the colon and small intestine that had been damaged by the mass and sew the two parts back together. Nothing gave any indication that it would be anything other than simple. He would heal from surgery, and life would continue as normal.
When I met with the surgeon, I knew immediately that something was not so straight forward as she had believed it would be. For several days, my mind would replay her words to me, "We found cancer." I took a deep breath. I asked a few questions, "What type? What do we do now?" She removed what she could, but it was still there -- speckled throughout and incurable. The plan would be to slow it with chemo. Oncology had been contacted and would be in touch. We talked for a few minutes, and then she hugged me and left me in that private room to 'process' a little bit.
I prayed. I thanked God for His control, and I asked Him to help me. I had been alone at the hospital that day. (I use that word 'alone' cautiously. I use it to say that I didn't have a friend or family member waiting with me.) I know God is with me always, and when I met with our surgeon that day, God's presence was never more real than it was there. I was NOT alone!!
I realized I had some phone calls to make. Processing it internally was one thing, but I realized that I had to make my voice work - without breaking down - and tell others. How on earth was I going to be able to call his parents and brothers and repeat those words from the surgeon? How was I going to tell my husband?
I called my pastor first. As I waited for him to return my call, I walked. I was still trying to get together a mental script for what I would say when I called his family. The walking helped ease the physical part of the emotional flood that was happening inside of me. Pastor called back, and I gave him the news. He offered words of comfort and encouragement. He told me he would be praying for us. He asked me if I knew how we would tell the children. I hadn't yet gotten to that part of the mental processing -- I had to tell our children!
I took many more deep breaths, and I prayed some more, and then I called my husband's parents. God gave me the strength I needed to do that. Mom wanted to come right away, but I told her to talk to Dad first and that the two of them needed to process this themselves before coming. After all, my husband didn't even know this yet himself.
That call was followed by a call to one of his brothers, and then to a sister in law who would relay the news to her husband, his other brother. Then I called my family.
In between phone calls, I sent some email messages to close friends who I knew were waiting for news. Doing that also gave me time to 'regroup' and gather the strength to make the next call. A few people called me back after we talked the first time. It seemed no one was prepared to hear the news.
It seemed like forever before he woke up -- I was anxious to see my husband. Finally, the status board read 'Transferred' -- he was in his room.
He was still very groggy when I arrived. It was hard to hold back the tears. I still wasn't sure what to say. "Hey there. It took you long enough to wake up. I've been waiting a long time." Then it came.
"Did you talk to Dr. Colbert?"
"Yes."
"What did she say? Was she able to reconnect things?"
"She was able to remove the mass, and everything is reconnected . . . "
"Good"
". . . but she did find cancer." (I said it. That was enough for now.) I had to turn my face away. I couldn't fall apart now. More deep breaths.
As my husband woke up more, he asked me to tell him again, and I did - this time giving a little more information. We repeated this process a couple more times. Somehow, it didn't seem right that it was getting easier to say.
That night, Trent's brothers and parents came and we all spent some time together. After they left, we talked about how to tell the kids. My dear friend Kay was keeping the kids, and she agreed to bring them to the hospital the next morning.
As I prepared to go to sleep that night, I felt wrapped in God's blessings. The night before, I had gone to bed thanking God for His love, care, and total control in this situation. That night, I realized that it was a great blessing to be able to do the same thing -- those factors had not changed. God still loved us; He still cared for us; and He was still in control of every aspect of our situation. This diagnosis may have been a surprise to us, but God already knew. Through the emotional turmoil of the day, I was still blessed.
When Kay brought the kids to the hospital, we kept the news simple, and reminded them that the most important thing they could do would be to pray for Daddy because we know that God is in control and that He is the greatest healer of all. They asked a few questions, but didn't talk much. We made sure they knew people who they could talk to if they had questions or concerns.
What we had planned as a 2 - 3 day stay stretched into 7 days in the hospital. We had several visitors. Our pastor and his wife each came twice. There were a few other visitors from church. Trent's parents and brothers each visited twice. There was also a friend Trent knew from high school who visited. One evening, four men from church came. They talked with Trent and laughed together. They had a devotional time with him. Each of the four men prayed for Trent - for us. I was so overwhelmed by the love that they were showing toward us. We were truly blessed!
Our surgeon met with us daily to check on Trent and see how we were doing. We had a great team of nurses and nursing assistants. We met our oncologist. She was very kind and compassionate. We got more information. This is Appendiceal Cancer, and it is very rare. It doesn't have a well-established protocol of its own, so they treat it like colon cancer. It is slower growing than colon cancer, but it also is slower to respond to chemo. We got a plan for the next 6 weeks: First priority is to heal from surgery. During that healing time, a consult would be set up with a doctor at the University of Minnesota -- he is the one doctor in Minnesota who has experience with Appendiceal Cancer. There would be new scans ordered -- this time including the chest because this cancer typically spread upward. It felt good to at least have something of a timeline in front of us.
After 7 days, we were finally dismissed. Trent really wasn't where they wanted him to be physically, but they weren't doing anything for him, so they let us go. We were relieved to be able to get back to a sense of 'normalcy' -- to get to be HOME. We would focus on healing and wait for the next steps.
To be continued. . . .
On May 21st, my husband went in to have surgery to remove what we believed was an 'inflammatory mass'. They would remove a small amount of the colon and small intestine that had been damaged by the mass and sew the two parts back together. Nothing gave any indication that it would be anything other than simple. He would heal from surgery, and life would continue as normal.
When I met with the surgeon, I knew immediately that something was not so straight forward as she had believed it would be. For several days, my mind would replay her words to me, "We found cancer." I took a deep breath. I asked a few questions, "What type? What do we do now?" She removed what she could, but it was still there -- speckled throughout and incurable. The plan would be to slow it with chemo. Oncology had been contacted and would be in touch. We talked for a few minutes, and then she hugged me and left me in that private room to 'process' a little bit.
I prayed. I thanked God for His control, and I asked Him to help me. I had been alone at the hospital that day. (I use that word 'alone' cautiously. I use it to say that I didn't have a friend or family member waiting with me.) I know God is with me always, and when I met with our surgeon that day, God's presence was never more real than it was there. I was NOT alone!!
I realized I had some phone calls to make. Processing it internally was one thing, but I realized that I had to make my voice work - without breaking down - and tell others. How on earth was I going to be able to call his parents and brothers and repeat those words from the surgeon? How was I going to tell my husband?
I called my pastor first. As I waited for him to return my call, I walked. I was still trying to get together a mental script for what I would say when I called his family. The walking helped ease the physical part of the emotional flood that was happening inside of me. Pastor called back, and I gave him the news. He offered words of comfort and encouragement. He told me he would be praying for us. He asked me if I knew how we would tell the children. I hadn't yet gotten to that part of the mental processing -- I had to tell our children!
I took many more deep breaths, and I prayed some more, and then I called my husband's parents. God gave me the strength I needed to do that. Mom wanted to come right away, but I told her to talk to Dad first and that the two of them needed to process this themselves before coming. After all, my husband didn't even know this yet himself.
That call was followed by a call to one of his brothers, and then to a sister in law who would relay the news to her husband, his other brother. Then I called my family.
In between phone calls, I sent some email messages to close friends who I knew were waiting for news. Doing that also gave me time to 'regroup' and gather the strength to make the next call. A few people called me back after we talked the first time. It seemed no one was prepared to hear the news.
It seemed like forever before he woke up -- I was anxious to see my husband. Finally, the status board read 'Transferred' -- he was in his room.
He was still very groggy when I arrived. It was hard to hold back the tears. I still wasn't sure what to say. "Hey there. It took you long enough to wake up. I've been waiting a long time." Then it came.
"Did you talk to Dr. Colbert?"
"Yes."
"What did she say? Was she able to reconnect things?"
"She was able to remove the mass, and everything is reconnected . . . "
"Good"
". . . but she did find cancer." (I said it. That was enough for now.) I had to turn my face away. I couldn't fall apart now. More deep breaths.
As my husband woke up more, he asked me to tell him again, and I did - this time giving a little more information. We repeated this process a couple more times. Somehow, it didn't seem right that it was getting easier to say.
That night, Trent's brothers and parents came and we all spent some time together. After they left, we talked about how to tell the kids. My dear friend Kay was keeping the kids, and she agreed to bring them to the hospital the next morning.
As I prepared to go to sleep that night, I felt wrapped in God's blessings. The night before, I had gone to bed thanking God for His love, care, and total control in this situation. That night, I realized that it was a great blessing to be able to do the same thing -- those factors had not changed. God still loved us; He still cared for us; and He was still in control of every aspect of our situation. This diagnosis may have been a surprise to us, but God already knew. Through the emotional turmoil of the day, I was still blessed.
When Kay brought the kids to the hospital, we kept the news simple, and reminded them that the most important thing they could do would be to pray for Daddy because we know that God is in control and that He is the greatest healer of all. They asked a few questions, but didn't talk much. We made sure they knew people who they could talk to if they had questions or concerns.
What we had planned as a 2 - 3 day stay stretched into 7 days in the hospital. We had several visitors. Our pastor and his wife each came twice. There were a few other visitors from church. Trent's parents and brothers each visited twice. There was also a friend Trent knew from high school who visited. One evening, four men from church came. They talked with Trent and laughed together. They had a devotional time with him. Each of the four men prayed for Trent - for us. I was so overwhelmed by the love that they were showing toward us. We were truly blessed!
Our surgeon met with us daily to check on Trent and see how we were doing. We had a great team of nurses and nursing assistants. We met our oncologist. She was very kind and compassionate. We got more information. This is Appendiceal Cancer, and it is very rare. It doesn't have a well-established protocol of its own, so they treat it like colon cancer. It is slower growing than colon cancer, but it also is slower to respond to chemo. We got a plan for the next 6 weeks: First priority is to heal from surgery. During that healing time, a consult would be set up with a doctor at the University of Minnesota -- he is the one doctor in Minnesota who has experience with Appendiceal Cancer. There would be new scans ordered -- this time including the chest because this cancer typically spread upward. It felt good to at least have something of a timeline in front of us.
After 7 days, we were finally dismissed. Trent really wasn't where they wanted him to be physically, but they weren't doing anything for him, so they let us go. We were relieved to be able to get back to a sense of 'normalcy' -- to get to be HOME. We would focus on healing and wait for the next steps.
To be continued. . . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)