Absence

 

It has been a very long time since I have last written here . . . .

While writing can definitely be therapeutic, I also find that it demands a great deal of energy to do so. For me, the energy requirement has out-weighed the therapeutic benefits for a while.

There has been much that has occurred: 

My youngest child was involved in an accident where he was run over by a car. . . . By God's incredible Mercy and Grace, he only sustained a broken (albeit severely) arm, and he has regained full strength, range of motion, and use of it. That was an incredibly draining experience. (Though I will be eternally grateful for God's protection in it all!)

My oldest child went on a missions trip, completed his senior year of high school, and graduated. Just five short days following graduation, we moved him 1,200 miles away to begin his job and college career. (Very emotionally-taxing events for this mom.) He's now in his sophomore year of college.  It's a new state of life....

Last year, I also returned to fully homeschooling my two younger children (now in 9^th and 11^th grades). That also takes a great deal of energy.

Add in the other responsibilities, stresses, and dramas of life, and – well – there just isn't much energy left over to put into writing. Life here plugs along, and we do our best to keep up.

God is good, He cares for us every day, and He strengthens us for the journey.

Steps

One step at a time, one day at a time, we are moving forward.

These days are characterized by routines.  It's a good thing.  The routines that have been in place have helped life to feel stable for the kids.  They are doing well.  My youngest still struggles a bit more than the other two.  He is the one who wrestles with insecurity.  It will take a while to rebuild a sense of security with him, but we will get there in time.

I am doing OK, too.  Some days are more difficult than others, but God sustains.  There are days when my mind tries to re-live moments from the past year.  There is a fine line between remembering and re-living.  The latter is not a healthy way to try to live.  God gave me grace to go through those moments.  That grace was for each day as I faced it.  Just as I did then, I need to live each day now with the grace that God gives me specifically crafted for today.  I cannot borrow from the past.

I still feel somewhat unsettled when it comes to finding a new 'fit' in life.  Several of the old 'places' I held are now gone.  I know it will come with time, but it is not easy to feel out of place so often.  I frequently must remind myself that who I am is not defined by what I do or what title I have.  My sense of who I am and where I am in life must be founded in Christ.

This month has gone by quickly.  I've been able, though, to get many details taken care of.  There are more details to which I still need to attend.  There are also decisions I need to make.  There is a part of me that wants to rush forward and just get it all done, but I need to be sure that I'm making the right decisions and taking the right steps.  It is a very different position to be solely responsible for every decision that must be made and every action that is taken.  I am thankful for good counsel.

Through everything that this past year held, and through everything we face now or will face in the future, I have absolute confidence that God has been, is, and will be with us.  To be candid, yes, I do wonder sometimes what God's purpose and plan are for some of the things we have experienced; but that is where faith fits in this scheme of life.  I would love to have all the answers, but that is God's place to choose to reveal them to me - or not.  I don't need to have the answers in order to be able to trust.  Even without knowing His purpose, I can still trust that He has one.

I am looking forward to what God has for us ( and I am trying to be patient ).  God is good, and He works the details of our lives for our good and for His Glory.  My prayer is that I will be submissive to His will, and that His working will be evident in our lives.

A New Year

The year of 2013 has come to an end.  At its beginning, we never could have envisioned the things we would encounter throughout its course.  It was quite a year.

I know God was with us each step of the way.

The past couple of weeks have been busy.  Trent's memorial service was on Dec. 20th.  So many people, both near and far away, showed great love and support. 

Immediately following, we were busy with preparations for Christmas.  I kept things as simple as possible.  Christmas Eve, we attended church together; and Christmas Day, the four of us had a nice, quiet day at home.  It has been good to be back together.

Today, I returned to the 2-year-old Children's Church class.  I've missed 'my kids'.  I have worked in this class for almost 16 years.  Trent and I used to work it together.  I wasn't sure how it would feel going back in there, but it felt good -- good to be back in a place of ministry.

I have been asked a couple of times how life feels now.  I don't have an answer for that question.  There is no doubt that life is different now; but the fact is that our lives have been so far removed from 'normal' for so long that there just isn't a comparison.  Life is just life - one day at a time.  There have been several adjustments -- and there will be many more.  We will face each one as it comes.

We are still working on establishing that 'new normal'.  This week, school will resume, and I think it will be good for the kids to get back in that routine.

Through everything that 2013 was, I am thankful for the ways that God revealed Himself to us.  He worked in our lives in a big way.  I hope that we learned the lessons He had for us.  I hope I will always remember His Presence and Grace and Peace that He afforded us.

I don't know what 2014 holds for us, but I don't worry about it.  I know that God has a plan for us for this coming year.  I pray we will be open to His leading in our lives.  I pray God allows us to be a blessing to others this coming year as so many have been to us.

One Journey Ends and A New One Begins

I've been thinking about this position of starting a new journey.  I struggle a little with being defined in it.  Is it a journey of Widowhood or of Single Parenthood or is it a journey for my children of being 'Fatherless'? 

I suppose it is a little of each of those things.  However, though there may be those aspects in our lives, those things cannot be what defines us.

Who we are has not changed.  Yes, our circumstances affect us in various ways; but they do not change the essence of us.

Some of the unchanging facts are these: 

• We have a loving God - a Heavenly Father - who created each of us for a purpose.

• We belong to Him.

• He will never leave us or forsake us.

• If we let Him, He will guide us on this new journey.

We came to the end of that path called Cancer.

Now, we walk a new path; but we walk it in the same way that we walked the old path - one step at a time, living each day as God gives it to us -- and living it as best as we are able to do so.

I have no idea what this journey will look like.  I don't know what the future holds -- I never did; but God holds our future in His hands, and I know we are safe.

Thanksgiving

People are focusing on things for which to be thankful this time of year.  While I don't disagree that it is a good thing to set aside time to focus on the blessings and to be thankful, I do think we would all benefit from keeping that more of a continual practice than simply an annual event.

For me, the past several months have been just that -- a time to focus on and be thankful for the blessings.  I believe the Lord started that work in my heart before Trent's surgery.  When I wrote my original post about this journey that we've been on, I told how I had thanked God for His Love, Care, and Total Control the night before the surgery and how I felt impressed to do the same the night following surgery.  (New Path)

All along this journey, God has shown me His Goodness.  Focusing on the blessings allows me to have that Peace that passes our human understanding, and then my spirit can rest in His Care.  This has been a continual exercise.

My dear friend Valerie visited with me today, and we talked about this.  I had mentioned that I have to continually surrender to God's plan and His timing in all of this.  She asked me what process I go through in doing that.  I'm not very good at putting things into words, but the best way I can explain it is to say that I have to turn my issues (worries and stresses and concerns) into thankfulness. 

~When I am feeling crushed by the weight of something I have to deal with, then I thank God for His Strength and Grace for each situation.

~When I become overwhelmed thinking about the future (near or far), I have to stop and thank God for today - for that moment.  I also thank Him for having a plan for our lives - individually as well as collectively.

~When I struggle with the fact that I can't meet everyone's needs all of the time and I feel so inadequate and when my youngest tells me he wishes I were more than one person so I could be two places at once, I have to thank God.  I thank Him that He IS enough and that He IS everywhere all at the same time.  I thank Him for the people that He has placed in our lives to walk along side us and meet some of those needs.

~There are too many aspects to mention here, but so many of the burdens I have are lifted when I thank God for His Total Control over all of the details in our lives, and I ask Him to help me to rest in His Care.


I could never name them all, but here are a few of the things for which I am incredibly thankful:

• God, who Loves us, Cares for us, and Controls all of those things which we cannot control -- and Who never changes

• People who have cared for our children, provided them with a diversion from the weightiness of life right now, or given them stability and a sense of normalcy when life is anything but normal

• People who have brought food for our family and who have helped with yard work

• Friends and family, both near and far away who love us and who pray for us

• People we've never met who are praying for us

• Doctors, nurses, and staff who genuinely care

• Needs that have been met

• Good counsel

• Encouragement

• Peace

• Grace

Shifting Steps

This has been quite a week, once again.

Our transition to the hospice was not easy.  Almost immediately, we lost all pain and nausea control.  The staff there really didn't seem concerned with what was best for Trent.  They had their schedules and routines.  I had absolutely no trust or confidence in the 'care' they were providing.

Their spiritual care director got involved and the social worker got involved.  There were some changes made, but not enough to make me feel comfortable.  When Trent voiced his desire to go elsewhere, that made the decision clear.  On Tuesday, I had my sister come and sit with Trent for a couple of hours so I could go and see another facility.  The difference in setting and philosophy could not have been greater.  At the Lodge, they were amazed at some of the questions I asked and horrified that our experiences had made me feel it necessary to ask.

Jackie, the director at The Lodge, is all about getting things done, and - as promised - things were ready to move him within an hour.  Trent was, of course, exhausted by the move; and Jackie's first priority was to get him into his bed and comfortable.  After that was settled, then we focused on the paperwork.  We are back under Methodist Home Hospice - just as we were before Trent was admitted; and that means we are back with the doctors and nurses that are already familiar with Trent.  They sent a nurse out right away Tuesday night for a 'tuck-in check' to make sure that we had everything we needed for the night.  The intake team came first thing Wednesday morning.  Trent's doctor and his new nurse each came on Friday.

Trent has been so much more at ease here, and the pain is much better controlled.  The nausea is much better, but not yet where we'd like it to be.  Dr. Duane and I talked at length on Friday.  We are going to watch closely for a couple more days and then re-evaluate.  It feels so good to be working with people again who genuinely have Trent's comfort as their primary concern!

As far as the other facility, the social worker promises that changes will be made and that, as much as she hates what we have been through, our experience will enable them to force some changes that would have otherwise taken longer to make.  I hope that is true.

We had a dear friend drive several hours to visit this week.  It was a great blessing and encouragement.

There will be changes with the kids this week.  My sister has been here staying with them, but she has her own family who miss her and need her.  I know the kids will still be well cared for, but I see how all these things are affecting them.  So many times, I wish I could be two places at once, but I can't.

Through all of the changes and difficulties, we still feel blessed.  God has provided for all of our needs.  He encourages us and strengthens us.  He guides us and provides us with good counsel.  He blesses us with good friends and family - both far and near.  He gives us assurance that He is in control, that He has a plan, and that His way is best.  He gives his grace for each moment that we face.

Slow Steps

Things have not changed a lot in the past few days.  There is no schedule for this time of life - and they tell me that is even more the case with a younger person.  It is just 'wait and see'.    I'm certainly not rushing things.

Trent had quite a few visitors over the weekend.  Some of them, he just slept through the visit, which is fine.

I was supposed to decide today about taking him home or moving him to a hospice facility.  I really felt like it was not the right time to make that decision.  I felt like I didn't have enough to go on to make it today.  When Dr. Illig found out how I was feeling, she said to postpone a decision until Wednesday when she is back at work.  I was thankful for that.

We did discuss, though, the fact that I would like a different Hospice nurse assigned to Trent if we do go home.  There have been a couple of things that weren't the best with this last one; but the biggest factor was that Trent was no longer comfortable with her.  I could work with and around her if I needed to do so, but Trent has to be comfortable with the person caring for him.  It was time for a change.

Trent's confusion remains - I'm guessing it will stay that way.  It varies in intensity and topic.  I wonder if part of it comes from the struggle with and against the reality of what Trent is facing right now.  I am doing my best to answer the questions he has as delicately and as positively as possible.  It is not always easy. When my answers don't satisfy him, he becomes more frustrated and upset.

God's grace is sustaining us through these days.  He strengthens us when we have no strength of our own.  He gives us amazing peace in a time that can feel so tumultuous.  I am thankful that I can trust Him with all of the aspects of life -- all of the things that are out of my control are completely in His control.  I am thankful for God's goodness.

When the End of the Path is in Sight

It appears that the end of this path may be in sight.  I don't like to look ahead to it.

This week brought changes again.  On Sunday and Monday, Trent was still recovering from the high doses of medication he had been given on Saturday.  We continued this week trying to manage the nausea and vomiting.

Wednesday night, Trent was insistent that he was going to church.  Considering how the day had been and how he was feeling, I thought he would give up on that idea.  He was adamant that he wanted to go.  I had my doubts as to his strength to be able to go, but since he was so determined, I decided I would do my best to make it happen.  We arrived late and left during closing prayer.  Trent was absolutely, completely wiped out from the effort. 

Thursday morning, Trent was still exhausted, and I expected that.

Thursday night things changed.  Trent went from his state of being sleepy and 'loopy' from the medication to being severely confused.  There was also a definite change in his eyes.  On Friday morning, he was still severely confused, but he was also unsteady and very emotional.

Trent was scheduled for more IV fluids on Friday, and he said he wanted to try to make that appointment.  We had his usual infusion nurse, Heidi, and she was visibly taken back by the change in him.  She started his IV, and we talked.  For some reason, the Hospice nurse was delaying calling me back; and that did not set well with Heidi.  Heidi got the Hospice nurse on the phone, and I could hear her as she told the Hospice nurse that she MUST get someone out there to evaluate Trent that day!  Heidi walked us out to our van and offered to step in if our Hospice nurse did not take action.

In summary, the nurse did come to the house and the decision was made to have Trent admitted for evaluation.  My biggest issue was wanting to know where we were in this.  The nurse had her opinion; down to the very core of my being, I felt differently.  I was glad we were going in.

Hospice admits directly, so we did not have to go to the ER or stand and wait in the Admitting line.  We arrived, and I brought Trent directly to the floor.  We were greeted by familiar faces.

The Lord worked things so beautifully!  Our regular Palliative doctor, Dr. Illig, 'happened' to be the one on call for the weekend, and she just 'happened' to be on the floor when we arrived.  When she saw Trent's name, she came right to us -- she was in our room within minutes.  Trent was pleased when he saw her.  We talked about what had been going on.  Then she asked me to step in to the hallway to talk.  Her 'gut' feeling is that we have entered an active end-of-life stage, and she believes we are looking at anywhere from hours to days.

I started making phone calls -- our pastor, Trent's dad and brothers, my sister, and one of Trent's best friends from college.  I made sure my sister was bringing the children up to the hospital.

When the kids arrived, I told them that Dr. Illig had been in to see Daddy and that she just doesn't know how much more Daddy's body can take because it has been through so much and had gotten so weak.  (The conversations you never imagine having . . . .)

Trent's parents and brothers were able to come to the hospital as well as one of his uncles and an aunt.  There were tears and prayers and serious things -- and even a little laughter.

Trent was so very tired, and I encouraged him to lie back and sleep.  He told me he didn't want to sleep because he didn't know if he would wake up.  I reminded him that he will wake up -- it is just a matter of whether he will wake up here with his family or in Heaven with his Savior.

I sat by Trent's side all through the night.  I dozed off a few times, but mostly I sat and listened to his breathing.

Today is a day of just 'sitting tight'.  We wait to see what the day will bring.  We feel loved by friends and family both here and far away.  We trust in our God and rest in His plan and in His peace and comfort.

Grace for Today

God gives us grace to handle today -- not to carry the burden of the past because those things are done, and not for tomorrow because those things have not yet come.

God also gives us grace specific to our situation.  My first lesson in this started many (many) years ago.  I didn't know I was learning a lesson at the time, but it is a situation that has influenced me to this day.

When I was very young, my best friend Craig had brain cancer.  I loved him very much.  God brought him home to Heaven the day after my fifth birthday.  I have only a handful of memories, but they are burned deeply in my memory, and each one is precious to me.

My lesson began with a conversation his mom had with me.  She sat down with me and told me that one day, Craig was going to go and live with Jesus and that when he did, he wouldn't be sick any more and he wouldn't have to go in the hospital any more and he wouldn't have the bandages on his head any more.  (I remember, as a 4 year old, that last one was important to me.)

As I got older, probably a young teenager, I would think back on that conversation and wonder how in the world she could have had the strength to do that.  I could never imagine being able to do something like that with the burden she was carrying.

As I progressed through my later teen years and into my early adult years, it became clearer.  There were things that came into my life that I could never have imagined I would be able go through.  I went through each situation one step at a time -- not because I am a person of incredible strength, but because of God's grace and strength.  God perfects his strength in my weakness  -- the weaker I am, the more God shows Himself strong. (II Corinthians 12:9)  God gave me light enough to see the next step and to keep moving forward.  God gives us grace for our specific situation.  I couldn't understand how Ronnie could have that conversation with me because it wasn't my situation to bear.  God does not give us the grace to handle someone else's burden.  I don't have the grace to carry your burden, and you don't have the grace to carry mine.  We each get the grace to go through our own individual set of circumstances.

Just today, I was reading in Cary Schmidt's book, Off Script  (http://www.strivingtogether.com/pages/Off-Script.html) where he said pretty much the same thing.  He said "From the outside looking in, that doesn't make sense.  But it's an up-close reality in the trial.  If you had asked me before cancer how I would cope with having cancer, I would have been unable to respond.  But in every moment of every day . . . God meets me there with just enough of His grace to get me through."  (p. 116)

Whatever burden you are facing today, remember, if you are God's child, He is with you every step of the way; and He will give you His grace to face your circumstances. 

Grace for today.