I Didn't Choose This Life

 . . . or did I?

It has been said to me by some, and suggested by others, that I did not choose this life, that I did not opt for my current life circumstances.

Those statements have caused me to step back and really consider:  Did I choose this life?  This life that consists of becoming a widow at 41, of being a single parent who is solely responsible for every single decision and who now has to juggle family, work, school, sports, activities, home life, and life stresses, etc. on my own -- Did I choose this life?

I can say with certainty that those options were not on any "Life Goals" list that I have ever seen or written; but does the fact that I've never specifically said, "I want to be a widowed, single mom." mean that I didn't choose this life? 

I've felt compelled to look deeper at what I did choose (and do choose) for life goals . . .

• Many years ago, I told God that I wanted His Will for my life, whatever that may be.  That was a choice I made.

• More times than I could count, I asked God to work His Will in my marriage.  I chose that request.

• I have sung songs - and meant them from my heart - about surrender to whatever God has for me.  I sing those words willingly.

A couple of other things that I had to consider as I was pondering:

• I believe that God has a plan.

• When circumstances are beyond my control, I am still trusting that they are under God's control.

So . . . In summary, my conclusion is this:

God has a plan, and He is in control.  He has ordered my circumstances.

I choose to submit to His plan and surrender to His control. . . 

Therefore

I Choose This Life!

Psalm 143:8   Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

Steps

One step at a time, one day at a time, we are moving forward.

These days are characterized by routines.  It's a good thing.  The routines that have been in place have helped life to feel stable for the kids.  They are doing well.  My youngest still struggles a bit more than the other two.  He is the one who wrestles with insecurity.  It will take a while to rebuild a sense of security with him, but we will get there in time.

I am doing OK, too.  Some days are more difficult than others, but God sustains.  There are days when my mind tries to re-live moments from the past year.  There is a fine line between remembering and re-living.  The latter is not a healthy way to try to live.  God gave me grace to go through those moments.  That grace was for each day as I faced it.  Just as I did then, I need to live each day now with the grace that God gives me specifically crafted for today.  I cannot borrow from the past.

I still feel somewhat unsettled when it comes to finding a new 'fit' in life.  Several of the old 'places' I held are now gone.  I know it will come with time, but it is not easy to feel out of place so often.  I frequently must remind myself that who I am is not defined by what I do or what title I have.  My sense of who I am and where I am in life must be founded in Christ.

This month has gone by quickly.  I've been able, though, to get many details taken care of.  There are more details to which I still need to attend.  There are also decisions I need to make.  There is a part of me that wants to rush forward and just get it all done, but I need to be sure that I'm making the right decisions and taking the right steps.  It is a very different position to be solely responsible for every decision that must be made and every action that is taken.  I am thankful for good counsel.

Through everything that this past year held, and through everything we face now or will face in the future, I have absolute confidence that God has been, is, and will be with us.  To be candid, yes, I do wonder sometimes what God's purpose and plan are for some of the things we have experienced; but that is where faith fits in this scheme of life.  I would love to have all the answers, but that is God's place to choose to reveal them to me - or not.  I don't need to have the answers in order to be able to trust.  Even without knowing His purpose, I can still trust that He has one.

I am looking forward to what God has for us ( and I am trying to be patient ).  God is good, and He works the details of our lives for our good and for His Glory.  My prayer is that I will be submissive to His will, and that His working will be evident in our lives.

A New Year

The year of 2013 has come to an end.  At its beginning, we never could have envisioned the things we would encounter throughout its course.  It was quite a year.

I know God was with us each step of the way.

The past couple of weeks have been busy.  Trent's memorial service was on Dec. 20th.  So many people, both near and far away, showed great love and support. 

Immediately following, we were busy with preparations for Christmas.  I kept things as simple as possible.  Christmas Eve, we attended church together; and Christmas Day, the four of us had a nice, quiet day at home.  It has been good to be back together.

Today, I returned to the 2-year-old Children's Church class.  I've missed 'my kids'.  I have worked in this class for almost 16 years.  Trent and I used to work it together.  I wasn't sure how it would feel going back in there, but it felt good -- good to be back in a place of ministry.

I have been asked a couple of times how life feels now.  I don't have an answer for that question.  There is no doubt that life is different now; but the fact is that our lives have been so far removed from 'normal' for so long that there just isn't a comparison.  Life is just life - one day at a time.  There have been several adjustments -- and there will be many more.  We will face each one as it comes.

We are still working on establishing that 'new normal'.  This week, school will resume, and I think it will be good for the kids to get back in that routine.

Through everything that 2013 was, I am thankful for the ways that God revealed Himself to us.  He worked in our lives in a big way.  I hope that we learned the lessons He had for us.  I hope I will always remember His Presence and Grace and Peace that He afforded us.

I don't know what 2014 holds for us, but I don't worry about it.  I know that God has a plan for us for this coming year.  I pray we will be open to His leading in our lives.  I pray God allows us to be a blessing to others this coming year as so many have been to us.

First Steps and Light on the Path

Those first days out of the hospital were days of adjusting.  We had to figure out exactly how we would set things up to be best for Trent.  The kids had to adjust to being back home.

My parents came for a couple of days to celebrate Nathaniel's 12th birthday.  They kept the kids at the hotel with them and we came and went as Trent felt up to doing so.

Healing was slow, but day eleven was the turning point.  We were seeing noticeable progress.  Now we just had to wait for the next steps in the plan -- scans and a consult; then we would meet with our oncologist again.  We were eager to have these steps done -- it would feel good to have a concrete plan in front of us.

We were going through life as normally as possible.  Making plans as best we could, but everything was tentative.

Funny how that works -- The truth of the matter is that all of life is unknown, but we certainly don't live like it is.  We live like we know what will happen, but the reality is that we don't know.  Something like this just puts that fact in front of us and forces us to acknowledge it more.

The days went by while we were waiting to hear about our next appointments.  Waiting is not always easy -- especially for someone whose brain rarely - if ever - shuts off.  I want to see the big picture start to finish.  I am a problem solver by nature, so as different scenarios pop up in my mind, I naturally try to envision plans and solutions.  It is those moments when I'm trying to think too far ahead that I get overwhelmed.  My dear, sweet pastor's wife - my friend - said to me, "It's like you're on a path, and there's a bend up ahead.  You're trying to see around the bend, and you aren't even to the bend yet."  I knew that was true.  God gives us grace for today -- not for tomorrow (because we're not there yet) and not to continually re-live the life-changing moments of the recent past.  I had to force myself to turn off that automatic replay that my mind wanted to do -- the replay of Dr. Colbert's words and the replay of those initial phone calls.  Those were past.  I needed to focus on today.

We also had many opportunities to talk with each other.  We talked about focusing on today.  We determined that we need to be set on not wasting today by worrying about what might happen tomorrow.   We also talked about being thankful through all of what was going on and about the fact that we may never know the 'why' of it all, but we need to make sure we are open to what God has for us through this.

The day came with the phone call for our consult and scan appointments.  Finally, it felt like we were moving forward.  We were looking forward to this appointment.  We would get his recommendation for type, administration, and duration of chemo.  What we got was very different.  This doctor's recommendation was more surgery.  Not just more surgery, but very radical surgery.  He wanted to open Trent and remove all visible spots of cancer -- including part or all of affected organs -- he could come out of surgery without a spleen or abdominal lining or gall bladder and minus parts of his stomach, intestines, diaphragm, etc.  Following the removal of all of this tissue, they would flood his abdomen with a heated chemo solution for 90 minutes.  After that, they would flush it out, stitch him up, and we would be scheduled for 6 months of systemic chemo.  My poor husband was floored by the recommendation, and he didn't even look like he could carry on a conversation at that moment.  I stepped in and asked a few questions and made a few comments.  I kept thinking, "What is there going to be left after you get through with all of this?"    This doctor also confirmed that the type of cancer that Trent is dealing with has an extremely low responsiveness to chemo.  As we left, Trent was still very overwhelmed by what he felt he was being told that he had to do.  I stopped him right there in the hallway and told him that he didn't have to do anything.  If he didn't feel comfortable with the surgical option, we wouldn't do it.  Period.  I would never tell him that he should have done it, either.  Much of the rest of that day was spent discussing what the specialist had said.  By evening, Trent had definitely decided that he would NOT be doing the surgical option.  It was a burden lifted from him, for sure.  I would never tell him what he needed to do with this, but I was pleased that this was his decision. We would wait and plan for standard, systemic chemo after we met with the oncologist.

The next step was new scans the next week.  We would get those results when we met with our oncologist the week after that.

We had already been discussing the fact that we needed to decide on a plan to support Trent's health while he was going through chemo.  A friend had told us that she knew of a chiropractor who dealt specifically with cancer patients.  Trent asked me to contact her and get the information.  There was a free informational meeting that the doctor was having that evening.  At the end of the meeting, Trent told me that he really wanted to know more, and so we set up a consult with the doctor.  His treatment uses RIFE therapy.  I had read about this before, so I was familiar with the basic concept.  After having been told by three doctors that, essentially, chemo wouldn't work but that it was the best they could offer, the thought of doing all that damage to his body and getting minimal - if any - benefit made chemo less and less appealing all the time.  Trent was drawn to the fact that there was no physical detriment with this treatment.  Finances were the only barrier.  Since it is 'alternative' treatment, it will be all out-of-pocket.  Dr. Conners said he could start treatment if we could cover the cost of the equipment, and then we could make payments on the balance.  The amount they needed was very close to what I had in our 'catastrophic' savings.  We decided to go ahead with this treatment plan.

As they started the process with Trent, he looked at me and said, "This is the first time since all this started that I feel like there's hope."    Priceless.

We met with our oncologist, Dr. Kubiak, this week.   We got the scan results -- one nodule has increased in size by 3 mm, there was no evidence of disease (NED) in the chest.  We informed her of our decision to pursue alternative therapy at this point.  She disagrees with our choice -- we expected that.  She was, however, very respectful with the questions that she asked and the statements she made.  She wants to have more frequent scans than she would if we chose the 'traditional' route, and we are fine with that. 

So, for the moment, we have a direction.  It feels like there is a light on our path.  The future is still unknown, but it would be with or without this diagnosis. 

I have felt compelled to focus on the blessings.  There really are so many of them -- some of them are 'big' and some of them are 'small', but they are all blessings, and I want to be conscious of them.

I sense, through all that we have gone through, that the LORD is asking us to just trust.  It is a matter of trust whether we chose this route or the route of chemo, because the majority of the disease in Trent's body is undetectable by scans and there are no indicators in his blood work, either.  We just simply have to TRUST.  That's not a bad place to be, and I am at peace with wherever God is leading us down this path.  God is Love and He is All Wise and All Knowing.  We are in His hands, and He will never let us go.

Starting Point

I'm not sure exactly why I started a blog - except that sometimes I like to write things down. I'm pretty simple minded -- nothing too deep here, but I'll journal things anyway.

Today, I've been thinking about choices -- the choices we make in life. If people were totally honest and really thought about things, most of them would agree that the choices we make in life are important. They affect the course of our lives. Some people would even say that some of the choices we make affect others as well. BUT, I really think that the choices we make and the way we live our lives have a greater effect than we really even want to consider.

Think about Jonah. He chose disobedience. Not only did Jonah have to experience the consequence of his choice, but others did as well. Think about those on the ship that Jonah was trying to use as an escape -- they suffered material loss and, I believe, thought that they were facing the loss of their lives as well. Then there are those people in Ninevah -- it was a huge city, and I'm sure that there were those during the three days that Jonah was in the belly of the fish whose life ended - without ever hearing the warning to repent.

Just think - every time we make a wrong choice -- there are far-reaching consequences for those choices.

Total obedience to God's Will, though I know I fall short, is my heart's true desire. I hope it is yours as well.