tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33446563838816227352024-02-07T02:29:36.246-06:00MusingsElizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-84980099739095528612020-09-15T20:36:00.000-05:002020-09-15T23:04:25.983-05:00Secondary Grief<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>When
you lose someone very close, you will grieve forever</i> – or so it has
been said.</span></span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
don't really agree with that statement . . . at least not just at face
value.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
active grieving will fade as time passes – and, no, it is not time
that heals all wounds – Only God heals our hearts – and only if
we let Him. (We definitely can choose to hold onto our grief and
live in it every day.) It is the natural process – the way God
has wired us – that allows us to continue on after we have lost
someone we love. Though the active grieving subsides, there will still be 'moments' of grief that come and go. I have been through this many times over.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Though
I disagree with that opening statement, I do believe that loss
changes a person – for better or for worse. My theory is that that
statement came about because of one of the changes that loss makes:
Loss creates a heightened sense of certain things.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">About
a dozen years ago, I had a strange injury at work – one that
resulted ultimately in the surgical loss of the tip of my finger. My
surgeon assured me that the nerves were not cut – they were
separated from the affected tissue and left intact. From a medical
standpoint, those nerves are whole. However, those nerves are not
'normal' – at least not by the standard of what they used to be.
There is a new 'normal': </span></span>
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hot
and cold don't feel the same – I don't always feel hot, and cold
is very painful. </span></span>
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
have mostly normal texture sensitivity – but not completely.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Some
days, it is numb.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There
are days it is incredibly stiff and uncooperative.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There's
that crazy phenomenon with weather changes irritating it....</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">By
far – the biggest change has been the pain-sensing aspect: If
something pokes or bumps the tip of that finger, I definitely know
it! The pain level is well beyond anything 'normal' – sometimes
making the injury feel fresh again.</span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Most
days, I don't give any thought to that finger – I simply go through
life and do what I need to do. There are adjustments, though. If I
really need to feel temperature, I have to use a different finger.
The same applies to when I need a careful texture sensitivity. If it
gets bumped or poked in certain ways, I may need to stop what I had
been doing for a while. I may need to give my hand some extra
attention by way of an ice pack, heat pack, or splint. I may need to
be very protective of it for a time to allow that heightened pain
sensitivity to calm down.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Just
as it is so with my post-injury finger, so are our lives post-loss. .
. .</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We
are still here living our lives, but we have been altered in some
ways with a heightened sensitivity.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There
are people and situations we encounter that trigger responses and can
make our grief feel 'fresh' again. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Maybe
someone near you is going through a situation similar to your
experience – those feelings you had in your own experience may come
rushing back in, and your grief feels fresh again.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Maybe
you are 'tapped out' mentally and emotionally – your reserves are
empty – when you learn of someone's difficult situation. Though
you genuinely care, you <i>feel</i> nothing. Your <i>emotions</i>
are numb to that.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes,
it is an overload: There are so many hurting people around you –
and you truly want to empathize – and it is so very painful to do
so. The overload may be such that you just . can't . emotionally
invest.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes,
though, you feel grieved for someone or something that is far
removed from your personal loss; and yet it causes you to grieve your
own loss anew. . . . That's where I have been at times this year.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Just
as many others have done, I have been watching the events of this
year; and my heart is grieved.</span></span></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
am grieved for our country and the direction I see it going.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
am grieved as I see people living in fear.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
am grieved to see lawless behavior not only happening (which is sad
enough on its own), but being allowed to continue and even being
applauded.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
am grieved for those who have been affected by natural disasters.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
am very deeply grieved for those in hospitals and care centers who
have been denied the advocacy, love, and care from friends and
family.</span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As
I grieve for all of these – and more – I find that the grief of
loss has been stirred. I consider it a secondary grief – grief for
my loss(es), yes; but a grief that is more prompted than purely
natural -- Like my finger feeling newly injured when it has simply
been bumped or poked.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Tears
come much more easily these days. That sense of loneliness has been
a bigger battle this year. Smaller matters feel much bigger some
days. Sometimes the overload hits, and I feel mentally and
emotionally numb. And to be completely honest, there are days I just
plain don't want to cope with anything more.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When
these times come, it is so very important to lean on the truths that
we know. I've written about it before – so much of how we go
through life is a choice. We have to choose to believe the things
that we know – choose what we <i>know</i> over how we <i>feel</i>. We choose to trust God. We choose to believe what He has said. We
choose to live in His strength instead of our own. We choose to be
thankful for His goodness.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Whatever
life brings, God enables us to go through it. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">He
has promised that He will work things together for good for those who
love Him. (Romans 8:28)</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">He
tells us that His strength is perfected in our weakness. (II Cor.
12:9)</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">He
tells us that He will never leave us alone. (Heb. 13:5)</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">He
tells us to give Him all that concerns us. (I Peter 5:7)</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">God's
Word is full of these and so many more principles and promises.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In
all that I encounter in life, I choose to be thankful for all that
God has done and for the fact that He can be trusted. In my hardest days, I lean
more on Him -- He loves me, He cares for me, He strengthens me. He
is my Rock, my Fortress, my Guide.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I
am far from perfect in this journey of life; but I am determined to
continually refocus my gaze on my Heavenly Father, and I hope to
encourage others to do the same.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-16927500176448258642020-09-15T18:30:00.001-05:002020-09-15T18:30:37.609-05:00Absence<p><span style="font-family: verdana;"> </span>
</p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It has been a very long time since I
have last written here . . . .
</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span>
</p><span style="font-family: verdana;">While writing can definitely be
therapeutic, I also find that it demands a great deal of energy to do
so. For me, the energy requirement has out-weighed the therapeutic
benefits for a while.
</span><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">There has been much that has occurred: </span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">My youngest child was involved in an accident where he was run over
by a car. . . . By God's incredible Mercy and Grace, he only
sustained a broken (albeit severely) arm, and he has regained full
strength, range of motion, and use of it. That was an incredibly
draining experience. (Though I will be eternally grateful for God's
protection in it all!)</span></p><span style="font-family: verdana;">
</span><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">My oldest child went on a missions
trip, completed his senior year of high school, and graduated. Just
five short days following graduation, we moved him 1,200 miles away
to begin his job and college career. (Very emotionally-taxing events
for this mom.) He's now in his sophomore year of college. It's a new state of life....<br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Last year, I also returned to fully
homeschooling my two younger children (now in 9<sup>th</sup> and 11<sup>th</sup>
grades). That also takes a great deal of energy.
</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span>
</p><span style="font-family: verdana;">Add in the other responsibilities,
stresses, and dramas of life, and – well – there just isn't much
energy left over to put into writing.
Life here plugs along, and we do our
best to keep up.
</span><p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">God is good, He cares for us every
day, and He strengthens us for the journey.
</span></p>Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-52492587512525628622018-05-23T14:02:00.000-05:002018-06-08T11:28:44.484-05:00Five-Year PlanI always hated being expected to write a plan for my future -- You know, the 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' kind of questions. . . When forced to answer, I'd agonize until I could come up with enough of a non-answer to fulfill the assignment.<br />
<br />
To this day, I still hate those types of questions.<br />
<br />
However, five years ago, I <i>was</i> contemplating what life might look like five years out. . . . You see, it was five years ago this week that I was told, "We found cancer." The initial things we heard caused us to start looking at where we (or ultimately where I and the kids would be) in three to five years. Would my husband still be here? How old would my kids be at this point - and would they be ready to face what seemed to be coming? What would life look like between there and here? Many, many more questions were going through my mind.<br />
<br />
From the very day I heard the surgeon's words, I realized that I could end up as a single parent . . . I couldn't have envisioned, though, that it would be my reality in less than seven months. In fact, I don't think I could have visualized anything that our lives were during those months. None of the 'experts' predicted what our days would be. Through the very end, our path was different than they thought it would be.<br />
<br />
There were occasions when someone would ask me what I thought life would be like after my husband was gone (some more tactfully than others). My thought was always, "I have NO IDEA how life will look on the other side of this!" During that time, it was all I could manage to focus on that day - sometimes only that moment. What I thought our day might be could be changed instantly by the vicious nausea or a sudden pain crisis. <br />
<br />
And now - we have arrived at the five-year point for all of the events of that year.<br />
<br />
Nothing I could have formulated would have looked anything like what life has been.<br />
<br />
As I have looked back at some of the things I wrote down back then, my heart is thankful. I have a God who never changes. My <a href="http://simplemusingsjournal.blogspot.com/2013/06/and-so-we-begin-new-path.html">first post</a> about the cancer diagnosis included the following paragraph: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As
I prepared to go to sleep that night, I felt wrapped in God's
blessings. The night before, I had gone to bed thanking God for His
love, care, and total control in this situation. That night, I realized
that it was a great blessing to be able to do the same thing -- those
factors had not changed. God still loved us; He still cared for us; and
He was still in control of every aspect of our situation. This
diagnosis may have been a surprise to us, but God already knew. Through
the emotional turmoil of the day, I was still blessed.</span></blockquote>
God has been with me every step of this journey. At my most difficult moments - and no matter what my emotions want me to believe, I can still know that God is ultimately in control and that He works things according to His plan.<br />
<br />
My <a href="http://simplemusingsjournal.blogspot.com/2013/06/first-steps-and-light-on-path.html">follow-up post</a> talked about plans being 'tentative' and about not being able to make concrete plans.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
We were going through life as normally as possible. Making plans as best we could, but everything was tentative.<br />
<br />
Funny how that works -- The truth of the matter is that all of life is
unknown, but we certainly don't live like it is. We live like we know
what will happen, but the reality is that we don't know. Something like
this just puts that fact in front of us and forces us to acknowledge it
more.</blockquote>
That truth remains. We don't know what a day will hold. We don't know how our perceived paths may be altered, but we can trust that God knows the outcome. We can choose to trust that He knows best. <i>Psalm 18:30 says, "As for God, His way is perfect." </i>It may not feel perfect, but God sees a bigger picture than we ever could. I am grateful that God knows my outcome - as it says in <i>Job 23:10, "He knoweth the way that I take:"</i> And in <i>Psalm 47:4</i>, it says, <i>"He shall choose our inheritance for us." </i><br />
<br />
I am thankful for who God is! <br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">On a rubber-meets-the-road kind of note, I will say that life isn't what I expected - but I think that is mainly because I had very few set expectations, and I'm not really sure what I expected. I am simply doing my best to live life where I am - and follow God in doing so.<br /><br />Some will ask what it is like getting to that 5-year mark. I think if you asked a dozen people what it is like, you might get close to a dozen different answers. The best way I can describe it is that it feels strange -- strange to have gotten that far out. So much has changed, and yet - so much is the same. It does feel odd when people ask how long it has been to say 'Five Years' -- I don't know why it feels any different than saying that it has been four years, but it does.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And so, life continues. . . . Where do I see myself in five years? I have no idea! My plan is to keep walking on the path where God has placed me, doing my best to keep my eyes on Him, </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">looking to Him for guidance, </span>asking Him for direction at each decision point, trusting Him that He will make His way clear as we go forward. <br /><br />Where do I <i>want to be</i> in five years? I want to simply be following God.</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for<b> in thee do I trust</b>: <i><b>cause me to know the way wherein I should walk</b></i>; for I lift up my soul unto thee. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span></div>
</blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Psalm 143:8</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span></blockquote>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-35373195000092960442017-10-11T11:59:00.000-05:002017-10-11T14:21:46.199-05:00Reflections on the WaterIt seems as though it happens too often sometimes. . . .<br />
<br />
Twice in one week during this past month, a friend had to say their final earthly good-bye to their husband. Then, another friend had to do the same with her dad. That same week, we made the decision to begin hospice care for my own dad - and just seven days later, he was gone from us . . . .<br />
<br />
I've watched my friends as they have had to walk the path on which God had set them. I've listened carefully to the things that have been said, knowing well that certain statements are more than the sum of their words. I've paid attention, too, to the things that weren't being said, because - sometimes - it is those things that speak volumes.<br />
<br />
My heart has ached deeply for each one as they have come to every juncture along the way. I believe there is a different level of empathy when you have walked a similar path - it gives deeper meaning to the scripture that tells us to 'weep with them that weep.' (Romans 12:15) The empathy comes close to being the original feelings from my own journey. . . . I've had many nights of reduced sleep and many not-so-productive days as my heart has been heavy for my friends and my thoughts and prayers have been focused on them.<br />
<br />
There have been points in time where I start to beg God to give people more time -- but more time may mean more suffering. It is heart-rending to watch someone suffer -- it is equally heart-rending to know that the suffering will only end when they have taken their last breath on Earth and are no longer with us! Do we desire more time as they suffer or an end to their suffering which means we must say good-bye for now?? Had someone been able to present me with those options, I couldn't have chosen either one. That is where those two words that I've held onto become so very vital: Trust and Surrender.<br />
<br />
I choose to trust that God has a plan and that His plan is best. I choose to surrender to His will and His timeline - to surrender my own plans and my own strength. In those things I can rest. God can be trusted -- He cannot lie, He is always good, and He never changes. I can trust Him to work His will in His time. When I surrender, it saves precious energy.<br />
<br />
So instead of begging God for more time, I thank Him for being good and for having a plan and for His way being perfect. (Psalm 18:30) I thank Him for His grace and strength that I know He gives to those who choose to trust in Him.<br />
<br />
I realize that all sounds very simple and cliche, but as I heard it put once, 'It <b><i>is</i></b> simple -- it just isn't easy.' Simple and easy are two very different things.<br />
<br />
I don't want anyone taking those statements and using them against someone else -- Don't tell someone that if they would just trust and surrender, everything would be fine. Trusting God and surrendering to Him does make it <b><i>easier</i></b> than if we resist Him, but there is no <b><i>easy</i></b> way though any of this! The reality is that suffering, grief, and loss are <i><b>HARD </b></i>! Going through those things is also exhausting - in every way - and to an extent that words fail to describe. I was able to see one of my dear friends for just a few minutes the day after her husband's memorial service. I hugged her, told her I loved her and was praying for her, and then made a comment about words being inadequate. She responded with, "But the exhaustion runs so very deep!" Yes - it does. I remember well - and even as an observer to another's journey, it comes again.<br />
<br />
As I spent a weekend sitting with my dad, and in the days following, these thoughts have been foremost once again. It it a privilege to get to show care to someone - at any age or stage. It is so very hard to watch someone's body wear out and fail -- especially when that body has been the 'soul carriage' for someone you love.<br />
<br />
Because we live in a fallen world, death is a part of our reality. We all face death for ourselves and for those around us. Our only escape from death is after we have crossed over into eternity, having trusted Christ as Savior. Until then, we will encounter and endure suffering, loss, and grief. As we trust God and rest in His will, we also experience His love and comfort.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for my God who loves me and never changes. I'm grateful He can be trusted to have a plan and to work things out in His perfect way. I am grateful that God gives us His presence and comfort as we walk the difficult paths of life. . . .<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; <br />Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">II Corinthians 1:3-4</span></div>
<br />
<br />Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-856480027542510482016-10-25T11:16:00.000-05:002016-10-25T11:16:02.606-05:00Family Update . . . and Reflecting on the JourneyI didn't realize how long it had been since I posted . . . . The days do seem to slip away from me at times.<br />
<br />
Life has been incredibly busy . . . I'm not sure it will ever really slow down. I had been looking forward to the 'relaxed pace' of summer, but there was so much to be done that it felt as though it just sped past me.<br />
<br />
Summer was good, just very busy as I said. My youngest was the only one of my three who was still young enough to attend the basketball clinic that my children have gone to for the past 8 years . . . hard to believe he only has one more summer that he's still able to attend! My daughter was disappointed that she had outgrown the program, and so she decided to contact the man who runs the program and ask if she could help. He allowed her to do so, and I think she really enjoyed being on the 'other side' of the program. It was good for her.<br />
<br />
We had our usual Vacation Bible Time (VBT) at church, and everyone had their place. This was my oldest's first year of being a helper. Changes keep coming along. . .<br />
<br />
Immediately after VBT, we left on vacation. It was a good trip! It is always good to get to go back to Pensacola and see friends . . . and always so hard to say goodbye when the visit is over! We split up our drive home over 3 days and had some fun along the way. We stopped at the Mark Twain Cave in Hannibal, MO. The cave tour was a first for all of us. The last day of our drive home, we were able to stop in and see some very dear friends. That was a great blessing, too.<br />
<br />
In August, we had camp. This was Nathaniel's first year as a worker, and Jonathan's first year to get to go. I believe they each had a good time.<br />
<br />
Nathaniel also played softball on our church team again this summer. His skills have improved, and it was noticed.<br />
<br />
The remainder of our summer was spent on getting much-needed projects done. And in the next blink of an eye, it seemed, it was time for school to start again. This year, Nathaniel is a 10th grader, Esther is a 7th grader, and Jonathan is a 5th grader -- It is my last year of having an child in elementary.<br />
<br />
This summer, we found out that Esther has some congenitally-missing teeth . . . so this fall we started the process with braces to properly align what is there and have her ready for implants when she gets older.<br />
<br />
I was also able to get Jonathan in for a vision-function exam. His eyesight is 20/20, but I knew there was more to the picture. The eye fatigue is too great - and it gets to that level too quickly and too frequently. The exam was very interesting. It confirmed what I had concluded through observation and also gave me more insight to what is really going on. This week, we start vision therapy. They promise me the change will be dramatic. I am praying that is the case.<br />
<br />
We just ended volleyball season for Esther, and in a few short weeks, we will start up with basketball season for Esther and Nathaniel - the schedule is bound to be even crazier through all of that. I'm enjoying these few short weeks of no sports schedule!<br />
<br />
As I've been sorting through things lately, I've been reminded of all we went through three years ago. (FB likes to remind me, as well.) I don't want those memories to weigh me down -- I want them to remind me to look upward. Those were certainly hard days -- it was three years ago today that I was told that it was very likely that I was entering the final hours I would have with my husband . . . . God saw fit to give us several more weeks. It was the beginning of a very strange time -- A time for which I struggle to find the words to describe. However, it was also a time of God's amazing power blazing brightly.<br />
<br />
Amidst all that we faced, God gave His Peace that truly passes our understanding. Aside from a few moments when I needed to realign my thoughts, there was no fear. Though there was a tremendous loss - both while Trent was still with us and after he was gone - there was no despair. There was a settled peace amidst all of that. I still chuckle to myself when people comment about me being so strong through all of that - and I remind them that it wasn't my strength at all -- it was all of God's strength. Through the depths of my weakness, He showed His incredible Power!<br />
<br />I never want to forget God's working in our lives through all that was - and has been. God made His Presence so real to us - His Grace was more than abundant - His Strength was amazing - His Peace was beyond words. <br />
<br />
We have an <i>AWESOME</i> God! (I don't say that lightly.) In my
Sunday School class, I try to emphasize to my girls how truly <i>
INCREDIBLE</i> God is! God made each of us individually - and for a
purpose. God has a plan for each of our lives. God loves us more than we could ever comprehend. To top it off . . . <i>HE NEVER CHANGES</i>! <i><b>He will always love us! </b></i><br />
<br />
It is easy to get our eyes on our circumstances, but we need to never lose sight of Who God is and all that He does! (Have you reflected lately on Who God is?)<br />
<br />
So today - as I write these words - I allow a few tears to fall. They are not tears of sadness. They are tears of thankfulness and of being overwhelmed with God's Goodness to us. For those who have followed me in this journey, if you shed tears today, I hope they will be the same. I hope you will join me in thanking God for Who He is and for all He has done for us.<br />
<br />
<br />Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-85355369972573905472016-01-01T23:07:00.000-06:002016-01-09T19:13:29.469-06:00A New Year - A Year in ReviewWe have reached a new year again. . .<br />
<br />
Looking back, this past year was very busy - so much so that I only posted twice. Sometimes, life is that way.<br />
<br />
The busyness of this past year included helping my parents sell their home and move into a senior-living facility. It is amazing the amount of stuff that can be accumulated in 50 years! (A good reminder to choose carefully what I save.) There were many trips to Des Moines this past year, but the job did get done (much more so by my sister who lives local). The process included a lot of decisions - some of them were not easy. My dad, who was especially limited in what he could do, had a hard time with some of it. At one point, I had to ask Dad to just trust me that I would do the best I could, even if it wasn't ideal. It wasn't an easy road even after they moved. There have been some unforeseen bumps in the road; but I still believe this was the right decision for them to make. They are in a place where there is help available when they need it. They are closer to my sister now. They no longer have the burden of upkeep on their home. These are all good things, even if there are difficult things that come along with it.<br />
<br />
There has been much busyness here on the home front, too. School is a factor during those months. Sports add to the busyness during their respective seasons. Currently, I have a 9th grader, a 6th grader, and a 4th grader. They are all doing well in school.<br />
<br />
My oldest is in his 3rd year playing basketball at school; and this summer, he added in playing for the men's softball league at church. I think it was a good experience for him. (Definitely provided opportunities to discuss examples of good - and Christian - sportsmanship - and not-so-good sportsmanship.)<br />
<br />
This year for basketball, he is playing on the JV team. New year, new coach, new opportunities. His team this year plays well together. They communicate. They pass. This is no one-man show. Everyone has the opportunity to dribble, pass, and shoot. I enjoy seeing that kind of teamwork.<br />
<br />
My daughter is old enough to play sports at school this year, too. She played volleyball at the beginning of the school year, and I think she enjoyed that. I know she enjoyed her coach -- a big thanks to her for all her work with the team!<br />
<br />
Now the season is basketball. The junior-high coach gave all the girls a challenge to spend a certain amount of time dribbling and to shoot a certain number of baskets over the summer. The prize for doing so was to get to go shopping for a new basketball and $50 toward a new pair of shoes for basketball. She worked hard and met the goals, and she is very proud of what she earned. She is enjoying basketball, and that is good.<br />
<br />
My youngest is not in sports yet, but wishes he was. His time will come. That youngest-child slot is sometimes a very difficult thing when trying to find a 'place' in life. He is as creative and inquisitive as ever. Today, he brought me breakfast in bed - his idea, and he did a great job.<br />
<br />
There have been a few people who have gone out of their way to help fill voids for my children. I never take those encounters for granted. People who invest in my children are one of the greatest blessings. Their efforts make a difference.<br />
<br />
There have been some challenges this year, too, of course; but there are always challenges in life, no matter your circumstances. God is always faithful, and He guides us through those challenges. I was reminded during one of those challenges to seek what God has for me in them -- Is there a lesson I need to learn, or an area where I need to grow? That's not always an easy perspective to take.<br />
<br />
This past month, I was able to attend the wedding of someone very dear to me. She was one of the flower girls in my wedding. She was a beautiful bride. Making that trip was a bit of a 'splurge', but I felt so blessed to be able to go. I was able to see several friends who live far away. It was a lovely time.<br />
<br />
This has been my second year as a widow. I've heard many times that the second year is harder than the first. I wouldn't say it was harder - just different. In general, people do react differently after that first year has passed. I don't know that it is much different than any other thing in life (it just feels magnified sometimes). Time moves forward. Life has a definite rhythm. I actually don't think a lot about the fact that I'm a widow. I am where God has placed me in life, and I just keep walking.<br />
<br />
Looking back, I am always in awe of God's grace and the fact that He cares for <i>me</i>. I spent some time reading through old blog posts and my old pen-and-paper journal; and all I could think was, "Wow! God has been so good to us through all these tough events." At thanksgiving time, I talked to the girls in my Sunday School class about being most thankful for the things that can never change -- God never changes. He will always love us. He is always faithful. He always keeps His promises. Those are what I'm most thankful for!<br />
<br />
Today is the beginning of a new calendar year. I look forward to seeing what God has for us in the days to come, and I know He will be walking with us as long as we are following Him.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-12263235756804253902015-10-28T12:24:00.000-05:002015-10-28T12:24:14.776-05:00I Didn't Choose This Life<div style="text-align: left;">
. . . or did I?</div>
<br />
It has been said to me by some, and suggested by others, that I did not choose this life, that I did not opt for my current life circumstances.<br />
<br />
Those statements have caused me to step back and really consider: Did I choose <b><i>this life</i></b>? This life that consists of becoming a widow at 41, of being a single parent who is solely responsible for <i>every single decision</i> and who now has to juggle family, work, school, sports, activities, home life, and life stresses, etc. on my own -- Did I choose <b><i>this life</i></b>?<br />
<br />
I can say with certainty that those options were not on any "Life Goals" list that I have ever seen or written; but does the fact that I've never specifically said, "I want to be a widowed, single mom." mean that I didn't choose <i>this life</i>? <br />
<br />
I've felt compelled to look deeper at what I <i>did</i> choose (and <i>do</i> choose) for life goals . . . <br />
<ul>
<li>Many years ago, I told God that I wanted His Will for my life, whatever that may be. That was a choice I made. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>More times than I could count, I asked God to work His Will in my marriage. I chose that request. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I have sung songs - and meant them from my heart - about surrender to whatever God has for me. I sing those words willingly.</li>
</ul>
<br />
A couple of other things that I had to consider as I was pondering:<br />
<ul>
<li>I believe that God has a plan. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>When circumstances are beyond my control, I am still trusting that they are under God's control.</li>
</ul>
<br />
So . . . In summary, my conclusion is this:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
God has a plan, and He is in control. He has ordered my circumstances.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I choose to submit to His plan and surrender to His control. . . </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Therefore</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I Choose <i>This Life</i>!</b></span></div>
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;">Psalm 143:8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. </span></i>Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-5995418999229841852015-04-29T10:12:00.000-05:002015-04-29T10:12:00.411-05:00It Feels . . .It had been one of those days when <i><b>it feels</b></i> . . . .<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><i><b>It feels </b></i> like everyone has forgotten me. </li>
<li><i><b>It feels</b></i> like I am so very alone.</li>
<li><i><b>It feels</b></i> like I don't matter.</li>
<li><i><b>It feels</b></i> like there is judgements from too many sources.</li>
<li><i><b>It feels</b></i> like I will never succeed at this single-parent thing.</li>
<li><i><b>It feels</b></i> like the tears will never end.</li>
<li><i><b>It feels </b></i> like the pressure from it all will surely make my head literally explode.</li>
</ul>
<br />
And then . . .<br />
<br />
The Holy Spirit gently touches my heart. I'm reminded of previous days when the feelings were so very intense and of how I made it through those days.<br />
<br />
It is certain I didn't survive on feelings! I was able to walk through those days by forcing myself to focus on the things that <i><b>I know</b></i>.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I may <u><i>feel</i></u> forgotten and alone, but <i><b>I know</b></i> God is always with me and He has not forgotten me and He has a purpose for this path on which He has placed me. ( ". . .I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." Heb. 13:5 )</li>
<li>I may <u><i>feel</i></u> judgement (and it may honestly be there), but <i><b>I know </b></i> that I only answer to the few individuals to whom I've made myself accountable and ultimately to God Himself. ( "So then, everyone of us shall give an account of himself to God" Rom. 14:12 )</li>
<li>I may <u><i>feel</i></u> that the tears will never end, but <i><b>I know </b></i> that God sees my tears and that He promises joy. ( " . . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Ps. 30:5 )</li>
<li>I may<i> <u>feel</u></i> that the pressure is just too great, but <i><b>I know </b></i> God's strength is available to me if I choose to accept it. ( "And He said unto me, '. . . My strength is made perfect in weakness.' " II Cor.12:9)</li>
</ul>
<br />_________________<br />
<br />
God created mankind with feelings, but those feelings were not to be the driving force in life. I must choose to live by what is constant - by what I know.<br />
<br />
That day, I took each of those areas where <i>it feels</i>, and I acknowledged before God the truth of what<i> I know</i>. <br />
<br />
This process is emotionally and mentally exhausting. I was left feeling spent, and my eyes still burned from the tears that had been shed. But the reward for the effort was there -- the weight was lifted, and I was at peace. <br />
<br />
<br />Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-13285230481831329082014-12-19T02:14:00.000-06:002014-12-22T10:19:58.691-06:00One Year Ago . . .I am lying here awake again in the early hours of the morning (or the very late hours of the night, if you prefer) and thinking about one year ago.<br />
<br />
Thinking about the steps I had to take . . . the conversations I had to have . . . the new path we were beginning.<br />
<br />
In some ways, it seems so very long ago, and life feels worlds removed from that. Yet I remember details very vividly - at least some of them, anyway. <br />
<br />
As strange as it may seem, there are aspects where life doesn't feel so dramatically different. There have been many adjustments, but we have faced them one day at a time - one step at a time. <br />
<br />
I realized recently that I've been a single mom for a whole year now. (Light bulb moment, I know.) I don't know if I'll ever get used to that designation. I fall short regularly. I feel that there's never enough of me for all that needs to be done. I've caught myself thinking, "I'm not cut out for single parenthood." The reality is, though, that God has put me in this place, and I choose to believe He has a purpose. <br />
<br />
I had someone remark again recently that they think I am such a strong person. I'll share a little something here -- I've never felt weaker than I have the past year and a half. I am NOT strong. God is strong . . . and in His grace and mercy, He has strengthened me.<br />
<br />
So, I continue in this path, looking to Him and asking Him to make Himself seen through my circumstances.<br />
<br />
We have made it to Christmas break and can put away the responsibilities of school for a little bit. I'm needing this break as much as the kids are, I think.<br />
<br />
We will be busy at least for a few days yet -- it suddenly occurred to me that Christmas is actually in just a few days, and I have yet to have a menu planned or groceries purchased. I'm thinking I should get working on that . . . and other details, too. :-)<br />
<br />
That being said, I might need to consider some sleep, too. <br />
<br />
Good night.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-58327075780631670982014-12-13T21:47:00.003-06:002014-12-13T21:47:28.368-06:00Tis the SeasonThis time of year signals so many things . . .<br />
<br />
We have just come from the Thanksgiving season, abreviated though it seems in our culture. I try to keep a mindset of thanksgiving. Through all of the changes over the past two years, I still believe with all my heart that there is so very much for which to be thankful. God is good, and He has blessed us in so many ways, and He never changes -- He has always been and will always be good!<br />
<br />
These days are flying by and filled with Christmas shopping, baking, school activities, recitals, basketball games, and programs (to name a few). <br />
<br />
I don't know whether it is the mental references from last year or the increased level of activities, but life has taken on a feeling again that the rest of the world is moving at a different pace, and I find it a bit overwhelming trying to keep up with the busy-ness of it all. <br />
<br />
I see struggles in the kids, too. It started the week before Thanksgiving. I started hearing references to last year and how different - abnormal - it was. One of the kids told me that they can't stop their thoughts from playing over and over. One of them told me that they can't remember what Dad sounded like. Sometimes, it is the things the kids don't say more than what they do say. Even all of the 'fun' Christmas events at school are reminders of last year. So . . . This year is a little bit weighty. Next year will be easier.<br />
<br />
The most important focus, though, is Christmas -- the true meaning for all of the celebrations. God became flesh and dwelt among us and gave His life to redeem us. He is the reason we can have the hope of Heaven.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-30363440116400454962014-11-22T22:45:00.000-06:002014-11-22T22:45:21.246-06:00Congruent Paths<br />
There are events in life we expect to experience - things such as graduations, marriage, and parenthood. There are other events in life we never<i> plan</i> to experience, but they happen anyway. I certainly never planned to become a widow.<br />
<br />
Earlier this week, I wrote two letters -- one to a new widow, and one to a wife whose husband recently transitioned to hospice care. I never thought I'd be looking at these scenarios with a perspective of experience.<br />
<br />
I've long held the belief that we are responsible for what we've been given -- not just material items, but knowledge and experience, too.<br />
<br />
Those days last year aren't hard to remember. As tough as those days were, in retrospect, they were much easier than they could have been. God gave us a wonderful team with the doctors and nurses and social workers from Methodist. I had to make some hard decisions, but they helped to keep the process simple.<br />
<br />
If our experiences can help to make just one person's journey even a little easier, then that is what I want to do.<br />
<br />
I attended a funeral service at my church last week. The last funeral at my church was my husband's. This funeral was for the former pastor of the church, affectionately referred to simply as, "Preacher" -- he had been my husband's pastor for most of his life. I found a picture of my husband and Preacher from our wedding. It seemed a very apropos tribute. They are both now free from the sufferings of this life on Earth. They are experiencing the promise of Heaven. <br />
<br />
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<br />Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-86833551566274098732014-10-18T00:20:00.001-05:002014-10-18T00:20:11.201-05:00Routines AgainI thought life would slow down at least a little bit with the kids back in school, but not so. <br />
<br />
We are definitely back in the routine of school -- uniforms, lunches, homework, etc. I thought I'd have a bit more 'free time' when the kids went back to school, but my days are typically filled. I'm doing projects around the house and working on keeping things 'on track'. After the kids are in bed, my mind is too tired to focus much on writing.<br />
<br />
I've referenced before that I have to take things at a different pace than I used to -- I have to be careful to not use all my energy while the kids are at school, because there has to be enough of me left to finish out the day with them. Sometimes, that frustrates me -- I want to accomplish more at each setting, but I have to accept that this is my life circumstance, and I need to make the best of it.<br />
<br />
Since my last post, my youngest turned 8 (and his arm has healed nicely). Last year, his birthday was surrounded by all of our transfer-to-hospice events; and those were the things he thought about when he thought about his birthday. I wanted to change that. It wasn't anything major, but I did do a little more than I normally do -- we needed to create new birthday memories. At the end of the day, he said to me, "This was the most special birthday - ever!" I am thankful for new memories. <br />
<br />
The kids and I were also able to take a two-day trip to Duluth. None of us had ever been there, and the weather was perfect for our excursion. We were able to visit Spyglass Point, Palisade Head, and Gooseberry Falls. The second day, we were able to see the lift bridge, train museum, and visit some unique shops. It was a good trip.<br />
<br />
I know I haven't written much specifically about grieving. Maybe I need to say something about that. I am not denying my grief, nor am I trying to come across as being unaffected by it - as 'having it all together'. The 'experts' will often say, grief is a very personal experience -- no two people experience it quite the same. I would add that each experience for the same person differs from another. Though losing my husband and being thrust into the category of single-parenthood are certainly 'firsts' for me, this is not my first experience with grief. I have lost others who were very dear to me, and I have grieved deeply. Through those other experiences, I learned lessons. Those realities affect how I am grieving this loss. I do grieve. I may just do it a little (or a lot) differently than the next person.<br />
<br />
I mentioned previously <a href="http://simplemusingsjournal.blogspot.com/2014/04/marking-days.html">(Marking Days)</a> that I don't like remembering dates associated with difficult events, but it is a reality - and very much so lately. One year ago, we were experiencing difficult days. We were already under hospice care. Trent had worked his final days at his job. I knew when people called and asked to come visit that they were aware it may be the last time they would see him here on Earth. We were in our final days at home. Some days, I had to remind myself to breathe. <br />
<br />
It's hard to believe that it has been nearly a year since the day that I was told we might have only hours left together. . . .<br />
<br />
While I cannot prevent those memories from coming to mind, I have a choice regarding what I do with those memories. I could allow my mind to 'park' there; however, I don't believe that would be a beneficial choice. When those memories come, I accept that reality as part of my life story, and I direct my mind to focus on how we got through those days -- through acknowledging God's control over all those circumstances we couldn't control, and thanking Him for who He is and the fact that He never changes. He loves us, cares for us, and will never leave us -- and He has a plan for our lives. That discipline has been key to this journey. The tears come, but they don't stay. Psalm 30:5 -- ". . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." <br /><br />
I know of several people now facing difficult days -- some of them, it seems likely may end up losing their spouse. It is hard to see that. It's one thing for me to go through that -- it is another thing all together to watch someone else go through it. Just as for myself, sometimes I can't find words to put to my prayers for them. I am thankful our God knows our hearts, and He doesn't need our words in order to hear our prayers. I know this -- the same God who has walked with me in this journey will walk with them, too. The same peace and comfort and grace and presence that He has given me is available to them, as well. He is ". . . the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us . . ., that we may be able to comfort them . . . by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted. . . ." <span style="font-size: x-small;">(II Corinthians 1:3 - 4)</span> God is faithful, and that will never change. <br />
<br />
I am thankful God IS who He IS!<br />
<br />Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-10352845878916949412014-07-26T01:58:00.001-05:002014-07-26T02:41:40.622-05:00Pause . . . and Back in StepI've been absent from my blog for a while. We have had a very, very busy summer here -- so much so that I hardly have time to stop and collect my thoughts.<br />
<br />
The summer started with a three-day basketball program that my kids have done now for several years. They look forward to it and always have a great time -- this year was no exception.<br />
<br />
That week was also busy with vacation preparations, and the (early) morning after b-ball ended, we left for a much-needed vacation. <br />
<br />
Our first day of driving was quite a long one. We had been on the road a couple of hours when my daughter commented to me that this was the first vacation that we were taking with just the four of us being our whole family. (Sometimes she is a 'master of the obvious'.) It was just a simple statement of fact, but that phrase, 'family of four' - has been hard to get used to. I had to take a deep breath before replying to that one. . . . The kids did great on the drive, and we arrived safe and sound. We started out by visiting the <a href="http://creationmuseum.org/">Creation Museum</a>. We had heard about it, and the kids were really wanting to go. They enjoyed it greatly. Now, they talk about going back in a couple of years when the 'Ark Encounter' opens. If you have the opportunity to go, you should.<br />
<br />
From there, we continued on to Pensacola. I hadn't been back there in 8 years, but having lived there for nearly 7 years, it always feels like 'going home' when I return. We stayed with friends, and had a good visit. I wanted to keep things simple, so I only made 2 promises to the kids for our time there -- the beach and the Naval Aviation Museum. Both were a hit with the kids, and we even made a quick trip to Fort Pickens and they were able to see several osprey on the way. My friend Amy did me worlds of good those days -- she had the meals planned for the week, and she decided our schedule, too. That was such a blessing to not have to be in charge of every minute detail. It was a wonderful reprieve!<br />
<br />
After our all-too-short stay in Pensacola, we started the trek home. My kids have heard me talk about <a href="http://www.throwedrolls.com/default.asp">Lambert's Café</a> as a great memory from my college days, and I wanted them to have the experience, too. We stopped there for dinner, and then I decided to drive 2 more hours before stopping for the night -- I wanted to make that last day of driving just a little bit shorter.<br />
<br />
My oldest got the idea in his head that he would really like to see the <a href="http://www.gatewayarch.com/">Gateway Arch</a> . We were so close that I couldn't really turn him down, so that was our stop before we started the drive for the day. The kids really liked getting to go to the top of the arch. It was a good start to the day.<br />
<br />
We arrived home late that evening, and we hit the ground running. We have had one thing after another since we got back home. <br />
<br />
We have also had two birthdays this summer. It started with my oldest turning 13! The following month, my daughter hit double digits. <br />
<br />
This week was our first week of the summer that nothing was on the schedule, and so we were finally able to make plans to meet up with some friends that we haven't seen in a long time. We walked to the park near their home, and we had not been there even 2 minutes when my youngest fell and broke his wrist. Now, we have several other things to add to our schedule and plans. (Yes, he will be fine. He's currently splinted well, and we should be getting a cast this coming week.)<br />
<br />
The facility where I took him is the same place I took Trent initially last year. I hesitated just a moment, knowing that sometimes memories can come on strong and kind of knock the wind out of a person. I couldn't be a puddle of tears when I needed to focus on J's needs. I prayed for God to rule my emotions. I didn't have a problem going in there, but I had forgotten about the family medical history form and the fact that I would have to list his dad as 'deceased' -- that caught me off guard momentarily. I breathed a quick prayer, and the 'moment' passed quickly as I felt God's strength and peace wash over me. What a wonderful God we serve!<br />
<br />
We are in full swing here preparing for camp. Since my kids have food allergies, camp means that this mama has a great deal of work preparing their meals for the week. I have two of my three that are old enough for camp this year. I like to go along as kitchen help, and that is the plan again this year. My youngest will get to spend the week with an aunt and uncle and cousins (though he's not sure about being away from me for those days), and it sounds like the schedule for follow-up appointments for his wrist should work out with that being a week we do not have to go in for a check. <br />
<br />
As soon as we return from camp, it will be time to get ready for the new school year.<br />
<br />
It is rarely a dull moment around here. There is always something needing to be done. Just when I think there's a lull, things - like a broken wrist - pop up. <br />
<br />
Through all of our daily happenings, I see God's continual faithfulness and His wonderful blessings and care for us -- even in the circumstances surrounding J's broken wrist. Since we had been planning to be out for the day, we had lunch packed. That meant that the older two did not have to wait until 4 p.m. to have lunch. It also was perfect in the setting. Since there weren't others in the waiting room, the staff let my kids choose the channel on the TV ( and . . . since we don't really watch network TV, they chose PBS). I didn't have to be concerned about what inappropriate content might be on the afternoon talk shows. It is easy to second guess myself these days; and after I found out that the orthopedic clinic has a walk-in urgent care, I wondered if maybe I hadn't made the right choice about where to bring him initially. God gave me reassurance today when I found out that the orthopedic clinic is not set up to do conscious sedation; so if we had gone there, J would have had to be awake when they set his arm (and it did not set easily). I'm thankful God led me to the Urgency Room instead of the clinic.<br />
<br />
So, that is a snapshot view of what our summer has been thus far. We are keeping busy, for sure; and continuing to move forward, asking the LORD to show us the steps He would have us to take along this path He has put us on in life. I am thankful for all the things that God has done for us in this journey and for who He is, and I look forward to what God has for us in His perfect plan. God is good!Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-92136224636391328212014-04-29T00:00:00.000-05:002014-04-29T00:00:54.417-05:00Marking DaysAs much as I don't like to mark dates for when difficult things happen, I think it is just the way our human minds work.<br />
<br />
It was one year ago today that we were told my husband had 'a mass'. Not one of his doctors thought it was cancer. They believed it was an inflamatory-type mass. The worst they thought was that it could possibly be a Crohn's-related mass with damage to the intestine from the disease. That day, we thought we were facing some kind of 'incident' in life -- something we would deal with and move on. We had no idea that we were starting a journey which would change life forever. I'm thankful that God knows the timelines of our lives from beginning to end and that He walks with us every step of the way. This was unexpected by us, but - somehow - it fits into God's plan for our lives.<br />
<br />
Looking back on the past year is interesting. I think there are positive and negative aspects of looking back. Sometimes, it is overwhelming to consider how much has happened since just one year ago. In remembering, I have to be careful. There are times when I feel drawn into those events and all the emotions that went along with them. I think it would be easy to put myself in a downward spiral if I allowed my mind to dwell on the past for too long.<br />
<br />
The positive aspect of looking back, I think, is in reflecting -- calling to mind the ways that God blessed and provided and comforted -- purposing to see His goodness through all those events -- asking Him to help me learn the lessons intended for me.<br />
<br />
This past year was one that required me to actively live out what I believe. I think, often, we live through the daily routines without giving much thought to our beliefs. Those beliefs don't feel as though they are being tested every day of our lives. I say I trust God, that I've surrendered all areas of my life to Him -- This past year I had to actively live that out. I had to purposely acknowledge that God was in control of my life and had to consciously decide to submit to His plan for my life. I also say that I want to be obedient to God. God says in His Word, "In everything give thanks." Purposing to be thankful, I believe, was key to having God's peace and comfort through it all. (Psalm 28:13 "I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.")<br />
<br />
As much as this one-year mark causes me to look back, it also causes me to look forward. One year ago today, I had no idea what the days ahead of me would hold. Even so, today, I have no idea what the days yet to come will hold. I believe with all my heart that God has a plan. I'm glad life isn't a matter of happenstance. I am thankful that God is all powerful and all knowing, full of love and mercy, and never changing. I look forward to the future because I believe that if I am obedient to His leading, He will be my constant companion in the days to come.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-70809094417104677232014-04-09T22:52:00.000-05:002014-04-09T23:31:51.082-05:00RhythmThere is an emotional place in grief where time loses its normal sense of being - a time warp, if you will. It is the meeting place of "I can't believe it has been 'x' amount of time already" and "It feels like forever ago." It is easy to feel a little lost in that place. I believe it is part of the process.<br />
<br />
I realized this week that it feels like I've been starting to move beyond that place. All of the events of this past year, all of the things we went through that concluded with Trent's death have a consistent sense of moving further into the past as we encounter each new day. <br />
<br />
The days are passing more quickly, and there is a definite pattern to our days. We are getting a new 'rhythm' -- that pace and flow of daily life. I have had to make many adjustments to my old rhythm. I have to pace
myself differently than before. Some of those adjustments are
temporary, and some are more permanent. The kids are learning this new
1-parent household has to have some different rhythms from the simple
fact that mom is only one person, and she has her limitations.<br />
<br />
Most of the things that have needed
relatively-immediate attention have been taken care of, and the
remaining layers of details have a less pressing nature about them. It
is a good thing.<br />
<br />
I am trying to plan something of a vacation this summer. I'm not very good at making plans; and I really don't have a lot of energy to 'go and do' a bunch of things. I have a few ideas for trying to balance my kids' desires to be actively 'doing' things and my own desire for calm and rest. I'm working on that - even if it is slowly.<br />
<br />
The past few weeks, I am hearing the kids talk about their dad more. It is all part of the cycles of grief. My youngest wanted to take something very special to school for Show and Tell. Trent and I had picked out custom music boxes for the kids as a gift from him to keep forever, and Jonathan wanted to show his class. I was hesitant to let it go to school because I know it would be terrible heartbreak if something happened to it, but I heard it once - and then twice - and then a third time. When I said he could show his class, but that I would bring it and give it to his teacher, he talked about it every day until the appointed day arrived. This was a big thing to him. I'm glad we were able to work it out. He had a great sense of satisfaction afterward. Somehow, that fit into his grieving process, and it was a good thing for him.<br />
<br />
There have been several necessary discussions with the kids lately about focusing on the good things in life. I shared with them how God had impressed on my heart last year when this all began that I needed to look for the blessings. I believe heeding that prompting made all the difference in this last year. I don't want it to seem that I am denying that things were tough -- they were, indeed; but I don't want to dwell on the difficulties. I want my children to learn to focus on the good. We, of course, have talked about the things that people have done for us and the ways that God provided for us. It was needed to talk about those things again, and so we did. We are making it a regular practice now to purposely discuss the blessings of the day.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for God's consistent presence and comfort. I am thankful for the new rhythms in life. Each new day is an opportunity to acknowledge God in our lives - and opportunity to seek His direction, to obey His leading, to honor Him with our lives, and to see His faithfulness and goodness. I want to be purposeful in doing those things.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-19028890308638679702014-02-06T10:50:00.001-06:002014-02-06T10:50:51.071-06:00StepsOne step at a time, one day at a time, we are moving forward. <br />
<br />
These days are characterized by routines. It's a good thing. The routines that have been in place have helped life to feel stable for the kids. They are doing well. My youngest still struggles a bit more than the other two. He is the one who wrestles with insecurity. It will take a while to rebuild a sense of security with him, but we will get there in time.<br />
<br />
I am doing OK, too. Some days are more difficult than others, but God sustains. There are days when my mind tries to re-live moments from the past year. There is a fine line between remembering and re-living. The latter is not a healthy way to try to live. God gave me grace to go through those moments. That grace was for each day as I faced it. Just as I did then, I need to live each day now with the grace that God gives me specifically crafted for today. I cannot borrow from the past.<br />
<br />
I still feel somewhat unsettled when it comes to finding a new 'fit' in life. Several of the old 'places' I held are now gone. I know it will come with time, but it is not easy to feel out of place so often. I frequently must remind myself that who I am is not defined by what I do or what title I have. My sense of who I am and where I am in life must be founded in Christ.<br />
<br />
This month has gone by quickly. I've been able, though, to get many details taken care of. There are more details to which I still need to attend. There are also decisions I need to make. There is a part of me that wants to rush forward and just get it all done, but I need to be sure that I'm making the right decisions and taking the right steps. It is a very different position to be solely responsible for every decision that must be made and every action that is taken. I am thankful for good counsel.<br />
<br />
Through everything that this past year held, and through everything we face now or will face in the future, I have absolute confidence that God has been, is, and will be with us. To be candid, yes, I do wonder sometimes what God's purpose and plan are for some of the things we have experienced; but that is where faith fits in this scheme of life. I would love to have all the answers, but that is God's place to choose to reveal them to me - or not. I don't need to have the answers in order to be able to trust. Even without<i> knowing</i> His purpose, I can still trust that He<i> has</i> one.<br />
<br />
I am looking forward to what God has for us ( and I am trying to be patient ). God is good, and He works the details of our lives for our good and for His Glory. My prayer is that I will be submissive to His will, and that His working will be evident in our lives.<br />
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<br />
<br />Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-86832547765964814852014-01-05T23:21:00.001-06:002014-01-06T10:56:19.811-06:00A New YearThe year of 2013 has come to an end. At its beginning, we never could have envisioned the things we would encounter throughout its course. It was quite a year.<br />
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I know God was with us each step of the way.<br />
<br />
The past couple of weeks have been busy. Trent's memorial service was on Dec. 20th. So many people, both near and far away, showed great love and support. <br />
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Immediately following, we were busy with preparations for Christmas. I kept things as simple as possible. Christmas Eve, we attended church together; and Christmas Day, the four of us had a nice, quiet day at home. It has been good to be back together.<br />
<br />
Today, I returned to the 2-year-old Children's Church class. I've missed 'my kids'. I have worked in this class for almost 16 years. Trent and I used to work it together. I wasn't sure how it would feel going back in there, but it felt good -- good to be back in a place of ministry.<br />
<br />
I have been asked a couple of times how life feels now. I don't have an answer for that question. There is no doubt that life is different now; but the fact is that our lives have been so far removed from 'normal' for so long that there just isn't a comparison. Life is just life - one day at a time. There have been several adjustments -- and there will be many more. We will face each one as it comes.<br />
<br />
We are still working on establishing that 'new normal'. This week, school will resume, and I think it will be good for the kids to get back in that routine.<br />
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Through everything that 2013 was, I am thankful for the ways that God revealed Himself to us. He worked in our lives in a big way. I hope that we learned the lessons He had for us. I hope I will always remember His Presence and Grace and Peace that He afforded us.<br />
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I don't know what 2014 holds for us, but I don't worry about it. I know that God has a plan for us for this coming year. I pray we will be open to His leading in our lives. I pray God allows us to be a blessing to others this coming year as so many have been to us.<br />
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<br />Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-76439336580089815362013-12-20T18:02:00.000-06:002013-12-20T18:02:03.206-06:00One Journey Ends and A New One BeginsI've been thinking about this position of starting a new journey. I struggle a little with being defined in it. Is it a journey of Widowhood or of Single Parenthood or is it a journey for my children of being 'Fatherless'? <br />
<br />
I suppose it is a little of each of those things. However, though there may be those aspects in our lives, those things cannot be what defines us.<br />
<br />
Who we are has not changed. Yes, our circumstances affect us in various ways; but they do not change the essence of us.<br />
<br />
Some of the unchanging facts are these: <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>We have a loving God - a Heavenly Father - who created each of us for a purpose.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>We belong to Him.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>He will never leave us or forsake us.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>If we let Him, He will guide us on this new journey.</li>
</ul>
<br />
We came to the end of that path called Cancer.<br />
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Now, we walk a new path; but we walk it in the same way that we walked the old path - one step at a time, living each day as God gives it to us -- and living it as best as we are able to do so.<br />
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I have no idea what this journey will look like. I don't know what the future holds -- I never did; but God holds our future in His hands, and I know we are safe.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-78740683298186239192013-12-14T12:48:00.000-06:002013-12-14T12:48:02.157-06:00The End of the PathThe last several days were marked by consistent decline. The delirium had returned. Trent's overall condition was very much like the day I brought him to the hospital at the end of October. <a href="http://simplemusingsjournal.blogspot.com/2013/10/when-end-of-path-is-in-sight.html">(End in Sight)</a> There were also new issues that we did not deal with back then.<br />
<br />
I let our pastor know. I called family. I sat with him - watching and listening. I watched for signs of discomfort because he wasn't able to articulate what he was feeling. I listened to his breathing. I listened to his words, most of which stemmed from the delirium. I tried to calm his frustrations that were coming from the strange messages his brain was sending him. <br />
<br />
Yesterday was definitely a more difficult day. I knew we were incredibly close to the end. I did my best to keep him comfortable. The kids came for a brief visit.<br />
<br />
I sat by his side during the night. I dozed off here and there. About 6:20 this morning, I was suddenly awake. I knew. Trent's suffering is finished. He rests in the arms of his Savior.<br />
<br />
I called my pastor, and we made plans for meeting with the kids. There simply is no easy way to have that conversation, but it went as well as could be expected. I am grateful far beyond words for the incredible support of our pastor and his wife.<br />
<br />
So far today, it has been all about the details. There are still many details to which I need to attend.<br />
<br />
God has shown His incredible goodness and grace through all of this, including the timing and surrounding circumstances. He is good!<br />
<br />
Thank you so much for all of your prayers.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-53954663803171019562013-12-06T12:02:00.000-06:002013-12-06T12:50:13.153-06:00One Day at a TimeThis past week was a little more difficult. Thanksgiving Day certainly was different than any other holiday observance. There were a few visitors and phone calls, but mostly, the day was quiet - quieter than usual since several of the residents were gone to be with their families. <br />
<br />
The fact that it was a holiday week gave place to thinking about all of the changes that have occurred this year -- and those yet to come.<br />
<br />
Of course, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the 'Holiday Season'. That, in itself, is hard to process. I can't make plans. At this stage of life, there isn't even a small degree of what can be 'reasonably expected'. The best I can do is to formulate a few vague 'If / Then' scenarios.<br />
<br />
Last week, Trent's wedding ring would no longer stay on his finger. I asked him if he wanted me to wrap it with tape so it would stay on. He handed it back to me and told me he didn't need it. I had tried to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I would need to remove his ring at some point, but I was totally unprepared for him to hand it back to me. It was hard.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, there was a marked increase in Trent's level of fatigue and weakness. <br />
<br />
I think one of the hardest things I deal with is not knowing exactly where we are in this journey. It requires me to continually surrender myself to the timeline that God has for us.<br />
<br />
I've said it before, but it bears repeating: The greatest comfort through all of the uncertainties that we have been through has been knowing, without a doubt, that God is in control and that He has a plan for our lives and that He loves us and will work His plan in His time. Daily we see God's goodness to us. He continues to provide for our needs and shows us His love through those who He has placed in our lives.<br />
<br />
We appreciate your prayers for us as we continue our journey.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-26808816386418321332013-11-24T22:35:00.000-06:002013-11-24T22:35:05.267-06:00Thanksgiving<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">People are focusing on things for which to be thankful this time of year. While I don't disagree that it is a good thing to set aside time to focus on the blessings and to be thankful, I do think we would all benefit from keeping that more of a continual practice than simply an annual event.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">For me, the past several months have been just that -- a time to focus on and be thankful for the blessings. I believe the Lord started that work in my heart before Trent's surgery. When I wrote my original post about this journey that we've been on, I told how I had thanked God for His Love, Care, and Total Control the night before the surgery and how I felt impressed to do the same the night following surgery. </span><a href="http://simplemusingsjournal.blogspot.com/2013/06/and-so-we-begin-new-path.html"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(New Path)</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">All along this journey, God has shown me His Goodness. Focusing on the blessings allows me to have that Peace that passes our human understanding, and then my spirit can rest in His Care. This has been a continual exercise.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">My dear friend Valerie visited with me today, and we talked about this. I had mentioned that I have to continually surrender to God's plan and His timing in all of this. She asked me what process I go through in doing that. I'm not very good at putting things into words, but the best way I can explain it is to say that I have to turn my issues (worries and stresses and concerns) into thankfulness. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~When I am feeling crushed by the weight of something I have to deal with, then <strong>I thank God for His Strength and Grace for each situation.</strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~When I become overwhelmed thinking about the future (near or far), <strong>I have to stop and thank God for today</strong> - for that moment. I also thank Him for having a plan for our lives - individually as well as collectively.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~When I struggle with the fact that I can't meet everyone's needs all of the time and I feel so inadequate and when my youngest tells me he wishes I were more than one person so I could be two places at once, I have to thank God. <strong> I thank Him that He IS enough</strong> and that <strong>He IS everywhere</strong> all at the same time. I thank Him for the people that He has placed in our lives to walk along side us and meet some of those needs. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~There are too many aspects to mention here, but so many of the burdens I have are lifted when <strong>I thank God for His Total Control</strong> over all of the details in our lives, and I ask Him to help me to rest in His Care.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I could never name them all, but here are a few of the things for which I am incredibly thankful:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">God, who Loves us, Cares for us, and Controls all of those things which we cannot control -- and Who never changes</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">People who have cared for our children, provided them with a diversion from the weightiness of life right now, or given them stability and a sense of normalcy when life is anything but normal</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">People who have brought food for our family and who have helped with yard work</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Friends and family, both near and far away who love us and who pray for us</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">People we've never met who are praying for us</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Doctors, nurses, and staff who genuinely care</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Needs that have been met</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Good counsel</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Encouragement</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Peace</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Grace</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span>Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-58849296689307902082013-11-14T16:21:00.002-06:002013-11-14T16:21:19.597-06:00A Time Like No OtherLittle by little, I am seeing the confusion return. <br />
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Trent sleeps more and more and, at times, is harder to wake from sleep to give him his meds.<br />
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Some days, the increasing weakness is very noticeable.<br />
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Some of the staff are concerned at what they see, but then they don't know what to think when I tell them that we've been through worse before . . . .<br />
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These are the things that are hard to watch. I never know if I am seeing a temporary low or if this is a true decline.<br />
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I have no choice but to trust that God has a plan and that He will work it in His time.<br />
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As uncertain as each day may feel, it is comforting to know that God holds each moment in His control.<br />
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Each day truly is a gift. <br />
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There were changes for the kids this week. My sister needed to go home to her own family. I chose to split the kids and put them in homes where I felt they would have the best fit. They weren't sure about my choices when I told them initially, but they are doing well. I miss them. Seeing them for a few minutes each day is not the same as being home with them. I know this is not forever, but it is still hard.<br />
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As hard as this phase of life has been, it has also provided opportunities for reflection that I would have been otherwise too busy to take. I don't know if words will ever be able to adequately describe all that life is and has been over the past few months. As I sit here next to Trent, I can focus on the blessings that we often take for granted. <br />
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No matter the circumstances, it is beyond any doubt that we are blessed; and I am thankful.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-55766454141596898242013-11-10T12:41:00.000-06:002013-11-10T12:41:39.185-06:00Shifting StepsThis has been quite a week, once again.<br />
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Our transition to the hospice was not easy. Almost immediately, we lost all pain and nausea control. The staff there really didn't seem concerned with what was best for Trent. They had their schedules and routines. I had absolutely no trust or confidence in the 'care' they were providing.<br />
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Their spiritual care director got involved and the social worker got involved. There were some changes made, but not enough to make me feel comfortable. When Trent voiced his desire to go elsewhere, that made the decision clear. On Tuesday, I had my sister come and sit with Trent for a couple of hours so I could go and see another facility. The difference in setting and philosophy could not have been greater. At the Lodge, they were amazed at some of the questions I asked and horrified that our experiences had made me feel it necessary to ask.<br />
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Jackie, the director at The Lodge, is all about getting things done, and - as promised - things were ready to move him within an hour. Trent was, of course, exhausted by the move; and Jackie's first priority was to get him into his bed and comfortable. After that was settled, then we focused on the paperwork. We are back under Methodist Home Hospice - just as we were before Trent was admitted; and that means we are back with the doctors and nurses that are already familiar with Trent. They sent a nurse out right away Tuesday night for a 'tuck-in check' to make sure that we had everything we needed for the night. The intake team came first thing Wednesday morning. Trent's doctor and his new nurse each came on Friday.<br />
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Trent has been so much more at ease here, and the pain is much better controlled. The nausea is much better, but not yet where we'd like it to be. Dr. Duane and I talked at length on Friday. We are going to watch closely for a couple more days and then re-evaluate. It feels so good to be working with people again who genuinely have Trent's comfort as their primary concern!<br />
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As far as the other facility, the social worker promises that changes will be made and that, as much as she hates what we have been through, our experience will enable them to force some changes that would have otherwise taken longer to make. I hope that is true.<br />
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We had a dear friend drive several hours to visit this week. It was a great blessing and encouragement.<br />
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There will be changes with the kids this week. My sister has been here staying with them, but she has her own family who miss her and need her. I know the kids will still be well cared for, but I see how all these things are affecting them. So many times, I wish I could be two places at once, but I can't.<br />
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Through all of the changes and difficulties, we still feel blessed. God has provided for all of our needs. He encourages us and strengthens us. He guides us and provides us with good counsel. He blesses us with good friends and family - both far and near. He gives us assurance that He is in control, that He has a plan, and that His way is best. He gives his grace for each moment that we face.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-71374032950965223522013-10-31T18:32:00.000-05:002013-10-31T20:24:06.880-05:00Change of VenueToday, I brought Trent to a hospice facility.<br />
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I struggled a little with this decision. I first had to reconcile to myself that I would have to make this decision without his input. I want to do what is best for Trent and what he wants. Those 2 things don't always mesh. I look at him and watch him grow weaker every day. I think about the logistics of our house - tiny doorways and walkways, tiny bathroom. I wonder how much weaker he will get before this is over. Even if I can handle his care now at home, will I be able to if he gets much weaker? Honestly, I just don't know. I see how hard even a little bit of noise and motion are on him, and I know it is not realistic to expect the kids to be silent and still all of the time they are home. There is also the factor that at home I am more than just total caregiver. I am also Mom, and there are dishes and laundry and phone calls and clutter and homework, etc. - all while keeping things quiet and still. When I am spread that thin, am I really doing anyone the good they need?<br />
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I know my kids need me. Trent needs me, too. I can meet my kids' needs and still have them feel secure using the help that has been offered to me. Trent has requested that I be with him - that is what makes him feel secure right now. His needs are for a brief season. I have put much prayer into my decisions and have gotten counsel. I know some people may disagree with my choices, but the fact is that I have to make the choices that I feel are best, and I am at peace with the decisions I have made. <br />
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The plans were set in place yesterday. The social worker ordered an ambulance transport, but when she said that, I saw a look on Trent's face that I really hate to see -- It was a look that tells me he feels things are being done <em><strong>to</strong></em> him rather than <em><strong>for</strong></em> him. He also thought that I was sending him away and not going with him. I stepped in and told her that I would bring him in our van. She really never agreed with me, but it is my choice; and I want to do what makes Trent feel the best as a whole - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Dr. Illig agreed with me, too. <br />
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I have had to talk with Trent several times about this decision -- he doesn't remember many conversations. I talked to Trent about the facility and told him I thought we should give it a try. I talked about the fact that it is a little bit more like home - definitely less clinical, but offers advantages we don't have at home -- an easy-to-maneuver set-up and less busy-ness. I did tell him that, if he really doesn't like it, we don't have to stay. I felt badly because he really never agreed to this - I think he just resigned himself to it.<br />
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Even though he has had much confusion lately, he was surprisingly lucid this morning. He could answer all of Dr. Illig's questions. He knew where we were going and why. He said to me, "So this is where I am going through the end of my life?" Oh, how I hated to answer that question! I answered that it did seem likely. Then he asked, "Is that why you've been so quiet about it?" I told him I had been quiet about it because, first of all I hated to see him upset about it; and the second reason is that I don't like to think about it because I will never be ready to say goodbye.<br />
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The emotional weight of the day has been great. The conversations were heavy. There was a great deal of finality in leaving the hospital. I really have no words to describe the emotions of bringing Trent here. Many times today I have cried out to God to strengthen me and to direct my focus and to rule my emotions.<br />
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I don't know that I've said it here, but I have told friends that this has been such a journey of trust and surrender. Trust that God has a plan, that He will give the grace and strength that I and the kids (and the rest of the family ) need, that He is in absolute control. Surrender of our plans, surrender to His will, and to His timing. When I purpose to trust and surrender, then I can have His peace. It is God's grace and peace that carry me through each day.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3344656383881622735.post-29536785917511180632013-10-29T01:42:00.000-05:002013-10-29T01:42:13.318-05:00Slow StepsThings have not changed a lot in the past few days. There is no schedule for this time of life - and they tell me that is even more the case with a younger person. It is just 'wait and see'. I'm certainly not rushing things.<br />
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Trent had quite a few visitors over the weekend. Some of them, he just slept through the visit, which is fine.<br />
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I was supposed to decide today about taking him home or moving him to a hospice facility. I really felt like it was not the right time to make that decision. I felt like I didn't have enough to go on to make it today. When Dr. Illig found out how I was feeling, she said to postpone a decision until Wednesday when she is back at work. I was thankful for that.<br />
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We did discuss, though, the fact that I would like a different Hospice nurse assigned to Trent if we do go home. There have been a couple of things that weren't the best with this last one; but the biggest factor was that Trent was no longer comfortable with her. I could work with and around her if I needed to do so, but Trent has to be comfortable with the person caring for him. It was time for a change.<br />
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Trent's confusion remains - I'm guessing it will stay that way. It varies in intensity and topic. I wonder if part of it comes from the struggle with and against the reality of what Trent is facing right now. I am doing my best to answer the questions he has as delicately and as positively as possible. It is not always easy. When my answers don't satisfy him, he becomes more frustrated and upset.<br />
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God's grace is sustaining us through these days. He strengthens us when we have no strength of our own. He gives us amazing peace in a time that can feel so tumultuous. I am thankful that I can trust Him with all of the aspects of life -- all of the things that are out of my control are completely in His control. I am thankful for God's goodness.<br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12027574542569164795noreply@blogger.com3