Secondary Grief

When you lose someone very close, you will grieve forever – or so it has been said.

I don't really agree with that statement . . . at least not just at face value.

The active grieving will fade as time passes – and, no, it is not time that heals all wounds – Only God heals our hearts – and only if we let Him. (We definitely can choose to hold onto our grief and live in it every day.) It is the natural process – the way God has wired us – that allows us to continue on after we have lost someone we love.  Though the active grieving subsides, there will still be 'moments' of grief that come and go.  I have been through this many times over.

Though I disagree with that opening statement, I do believe that loss changes a person – for better or for worse.  My theory is that that statement came about because of one of the changes that loss makes:   Loss creates a heightened sense of certain things.

About a dozen years ago, I had a strange injury at work – one that resulted ultimately in the surgical loss of the tip of my finger.  My surgeon assured me that the nerves were not cut – they were separated from the affected tissue and left intact.  From a medical standpoint, those nerves are whole.  However, those nerves are not 'normal' – at least not by the standard of what they used to be.   There is a new 'normal':

• Hot and cold don't feel the same – I don't always feel hot, and cold is very painful.
• I have mostly normal texture sensitivity – but not completely.
• Some days, it is numb.
• There are days it is incredibly stiff and uncooperative.
• There's that crazy phenomenon with weather changes irritating it....
• By far – the biggest change has been the pain-sensing aspect: If something pokes or bumps the tip of that finger, I definitely know it! The pain level is well beyond anything 'normal' – sometimes making the injury feel fresh again.

Most days, I don't give any thought to that finger – I simply go through life and do what I need to do.  There are adjustments, though.  If I really need to feel temperature, I have to use a different finger.   The same applies to when I need a careful texture sensitivity. If it gets bumped or poked in certain ways, I may need to stop what I had been doing for a while.   I may need to give my hand some extra attention by way of an ice pack, heat pack, or splint.  I may need to be very protective of it for a time to allow that heightened pain sensitivity to calm down.

Just as it is so with my post-injury finger, so are our lives post-loss. . . .

We are still here living our lives, but we have been altered in some ways with a heightened sensitivity.

There are people and situations we encounter that trigger responses and can make our grief feel 'fresh' again. 

Maybe someone near you is going through a situation similar to your experience – those feelings you had in your own experience may come rushing back in, and your grief feels fresh again.

Maybe you are 'tapped out' mentally and emotionally – your reserves are empty – when you learn of someone's difficult situation. Though you genuinely care, you feel nothing. Your emotions are numb to that.

Sometimes, it is an overload:  There are so many hurting people around you – and you truly want to empathize – and it is so very painful to do so. The overload may be such that you just . can't . emotionally invest.

Sometimes, though, you feel grieved for someone or something that is far removed from your personal loss; and yet it causes you to grieve your own loss anew. . . . That's where I have been at times this year.

Just as many others have done, I have been watching the events of this year; and my heart is grieved.

• I am grieved for our country and the direction I see it going.
• I am grieved as I see people living in fear.
• I am grieved to see lawless behavior not only happening (which is sad enough on its own), but being allowed to continue and even being applauded.
• I am grieved for those who have been affected by natural disasters.
• I am very deeply grieved for those in hospitals and care centers who have been denied the advocacy, love, and care from friends and family.

As I grieve for all of these – and more – I find that the grief of loss has been stirred.  I consider it a secondary grief – grief for my loss(es), yes; but a grief that is more prompted than purely natural -- Like my finger feeling newly injured when it has simply been bumped or poked.

Tears come much more easily these days.   That sense of loneliness has been a bigger battle this year.  Smaller matters feel much bigger some days.  Sometimes the overload hits, and I feel mentally and emotionally numb.  And to be completely honest, there are days I just plain don't want to cope with anything more.

When these times come, it is so very important to lean on the truths that we know.  I've written about it before – so much of how we go through life is a choice.  We have to choose to believe the things that we know – choose what we know over how we feel.  We choose to trust God.  We choose to believe what He has said.  We choose to live in His strength instead of our own.  We choose to be thankful for His goodness.

Whatever life brings, God enables us to go through it.

He has promised that He will work things together for good for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

He tells us that His strength is perfected in our weakness. (II Cor. 12:9)

He tells us that He will never leave us alone. (Heb. 13:5)

He tells us to give Him all that concerns us. (I Peter 5:7)

God's Word is full of these and so many more principles and promises.

In all that I encounter in life, I choose to be thankful for all that God has done and for the fact that He can be trusted.  In my hardest days, I lean more on Him -- He loves me, He cares for me, He strengthens me.  He is my Rock, my Fortress, my Guide.

I am far from perfect in this journey of life; but I am determined to continually refocus my gaze on my Heavenly Father, and I hope to encourage others to do the same.

Five-Year Plan

I always hated being expected to write a plan for my future -- You know, the 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' kind of questions. . .  When forced to answer, I'd agonize until I could come up with enough of a non-answer to fulfill the assignment.

To this day, I still hate those types of questions.

However, five years ago, I was contemplating what life might look like five years out. . . .  You see, it was five years ago this week that I was told, "We found cancer."  The initial things we heard caused us to start looking at where we (or ultimately where I and the kids would be) in three to five years.  Would my husband still be here?  How old would my kids be at this point - and would they be ready to face what seemed to be coming?  What would life look like between there and here?  Many, many more questions were going through my mind.

From the very day I heard the surgeon's words, I realized that I could end up as a single parent . . . I couldn't have envisioned, though, that  it would be my reality in less than seven months.  In fact, I don't think I could have visualized anything  that our lives were during those months.  None of the 'experts' predicted what our days would be.  Through the very end, our path was different than they thought it would be.

There were occasions when someone would ask me what I thought life would be like after my husband was gone (some more tactfully than others).  My thought was always, "I have NO IDEA how life will look on the other side of this!"  During that time, it was all I could manage to focus on that day - sometimes only that moment.  What I thought our day might be could be changed instantly by the vicious nausea or a sudden pain crisis.

And now - we have arrived at the five-year point for all of the events of that year.

Nothing I could have formulated would have looked anything like what life has been.

As I have looked back at some of the things I wrote down back then, my heart is thankful.  I have a God who never changes.  My first post about the cancer diagnosis  included the following paragraph: 

As I prepared to go to sleep that night, I felt wrapped in God's blessings.  The night before, I had gone to bed thanking God for His love, care, and total control in this situation.  That night, I realized that it was a great blessing to be able to do the same thing -- those factors had not changed.  God still loved us; He still cared for us; and He was still in control of every aspect of our situation.  This diagnosis may have been a surprise to us, but God already knew.  Through the emotional turmoil of the day, I was still blessed.

God has been with me every step of this journey.  At my most difficult moments - and no matter what my emotions want me to believe, I can still know that God is ultimately in control and that He works things according to His plan.

My follow-up post talked about plans being 'tentative' and about not being able to make concrete plans.

We were going through life as normally as possible.  Making plans as best we could, but everything was tentative.

Funny how that works -- The truth of the matter is that all of life is unknown, but we certainly don't live like it is.  We live like we know what will happen, but the reality is that we don't know.  Something like this just puts that fact in front of us and forces us to acknowledge it more.

That truth remains.  We don't know what a day will hold.  We don't know how our perceived paths may be altered, but we can trust that God knows the outcome.  We can choose to trust that He knows best.  Psalm 18:30 says, "As for God, His way is perfect."   It may not feel perfect, but God sees a bigger picture than we ever could.  I am grateful that God knows my outcome - as it says in Job 23:10, "He knoweth the way that I take:"  And in Psalm 47:4, it says, "He shall choose our inheritance for us."   

I am thankful for who God is!

On a rubber-meets-the-road kind of note, I will say that life isn't what I expected - but I think that is mainly because I had very few set expectations, and I'm not really sure what I expected.   I am simply doing my best to live life where I am - and follow God in doing so.

Some will ask what it is like getting to that 5-year mark.  I think if you asked a dozen people what it is like, you might get close to a dozen different answers.  The best way I can describe it is that it feels strange -- strange to have gotten that far out.  So much has changed, and yet - so much is the same.  It does feel odd when people ask how long it has been to say 'Five Years' -- I don't know why it feels any different than saying that it has been four years, but it does.

And so, life continues. . . .  Where do I see myself in five years?  I have no idea!  My plan is to keep walking on the path where God has placed me, doing my best to keep my eyes on Him, looking to Him for guidance, asking Him for direction at each decision point, trusting Him that He will make His way clear as we go forward. 

Where do I want to be in five years?  I want to simply be following God.

  Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.                                

 Psalm 143:8

Family Update . . . and Reflecting on the Journey

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted . . . . The days do seem to slip away from me at times.

Life has been incredibly busy . . . I'm not sure it will ever really slow down.  I had been looking forward to the 'relaxed pace' of summer, but there was so much to be done that it felt as though it just sped past me.

Summer was good, just very busy as I said.  My youngest was the only one of my three who was still young enough to attend the basketball clinic that my children have gone to for the past 8 years . . . hard to believe he only has one more summer that he's still able to attend!  My daughter was disappointed that she had outgrown the program, and so she decided to contact the man who runs the program and ask if she could help.  He allowed her to do so, and I think she really enjoyed being on the 'other side' of the program.  It was good for her.

We had our usual Vacation Bible Time (VBT) at church, and everyone had their place.  This was my oldest's first year of being a helper.  Changes keep coming along. . .

Immediately after VBT, we left on vacation.  It was a good trip!  It is always good to get to go back to Pensacola and see friends . . . and always so hard to say goodbye when the visit is over!  We split up our drive home over 3 days and had some fun along the way.  We stopped at the Mark Twain Cave in Hannibal, MO.  The cave tour was a first for all of us.  The last day of our drive home, we were able to stop in and see some very dear friends.  That was a great blessing, too.

In August, we had camp.  This was Nathaniel's first year as a worker, and Jonathan's first year to get to go.  I believe they each had a good time.

Nathaniel also played softball on our church team again this summer.  His skills have improved, and it was noticed.

The remainder of our summer was spent on getting much-needed projects done.  And in the next blink of an eye, it seemed, it was time for school to start again.  This year, Nathaniel is a 10th grader, Esther is a 7th grader, and Jonathan is a 5th grader --  It is my last year of having an child in elementary.

This summer, we found out that Esther has some congenitally-missing teeth . . . so this fall we started the process with braces to properly align what is there and have her ready for implants when she gets older.

I was also able to get Jonathan in for a vision-function exam.  His eyesight is 20/20, but I knew there was more to the picture.  The eye fatigue is too great - and it gets to that level too quickly and too frequently.  The exam was very interesting.  It confirmed what I had concluded through observation and also gave me more insight to what is really going on.  This week, we start vision therapy.  They promise me the change will be dramatic.  I am praying that is the case.

We just ended volleyball season for Esther, and in a few short weeks, we will start up with basketball season for Esther and Nathaniel - the schedule is bound to be even crazier through all of that.  I'm enjoying these few short weeks of no sports schedule!

 As I've been sorting through things lately, I've been reminded of all we went through three years ago.  (FB likes to remind me, as well.)  I don't want those memories to weigh me down -- I want them to remind me to look upward.  Those were certainly hard days -- it was three years ago today that I was told that it was very likely that I was entering the final hours I would have with my husband . . . .   God saw fit to give us several more weeks.  It was the beginning of a very strange time -- A time for which I struggle to find the words to describe.  However, it was also a time of God's amazing power blazing brightly.

Amidst all that we faced, God gave His Peace that truly passes our understanding.  Aside from a few moments when I needed to realign my thoughts, there was no fear. Though there was a tremendous loss - both while Trent was still with us and after he was gone - there was no despair.  There was a settled peace amidst all of that. I still chuckle to myself when people comment about me being so strong through all of that - and I remind them that it wasn't my strength at all -- it was all of God's strength.  Through the depths of my weakness, He showed His incredible Power!

I never want to forget God's working in our lives through all that was - and has been.  God made His Presence so real to us - His Grace was more than abundant  - His Strength was amazing - His Peace was beyond words. 

We have an AWESOME God!  (I don't say that lightly.)  In my Sunday School class, I try to emphasize to my girls how truly INCREDIBLE God is!  God made each of us individually - and for a purpose.  God has a plan for each of our lives.  God loves us more than we could ever comprehend.  To top it off . . . HE NEVER CHANGES!   He will always love us!  

It is easy to get our eyes on our circumstances, but we need to never lose sight of Who God is and all that He does!  (Have you reflected lately on Who God is?)

So today - as I write these words - I allow a few tears to fall.  They are not tears of sadness.  They are tears of thankfulness and of being overwhelmed with God's Goodness to us.  For those who have followed me in this journey, if you shed tears today, I hope they will be the same.  I hope you will join me in thanking God for Who He is and for all He has done for us.

A New Year - A Year in Review

We have reached a new year again. . .

Looking back, this past year was very busy - so much so that I only posted twice.  Sometimes, life is that way.

The busyness of this past year included helping my parents sell their home and move into a senior-living facility.  It is amazing the amount of stuff that can be accumulated in 50 years!  (A good reminder to choose carefully what I save.)  There were many trips to Des Moines this past year, but the job did get done (much more so by my sister who lives local).  The process included a lot of decisions - some of them were not easy.  My dad, who was especially limited in what he could do, had a hard time with some of it.  At one point, I had to ask Dad to just trust me that I would do the best I could, even if it wasn't ideal.  It wasn't an easy road even after they moved.  There have been some unforeseen bumps in the road; but I still believe this was the right decision for them to make.  They are in a place where there is help available when they need it.  They are closer to my sister now.  They no longer have the burden of upkeep on their home.  These are all good things, even if there are difficult things that come along with it.

There has been much busyness here on the home front, too.  School is a factor during those months.  Sports add to the busyness during their respective seasons.  Currently, I have a 9th grader, a 6th grader, and a 4th grader.  They are all doing well in school.

My oldest is in his 3rd year playing basketball at school; and this summer, he added in playing for the men's softball league at church.  I think it was a good experience for him. (Definitely provided opportunities to discuss examples of good - and Christian - sportsmanship - and not-so-good sportsmanship.)

This year for basketball, he is playing on the JV team.  New year, new coach, new opportunities.  His team this year plays well together.  They communicate.  They pass.  This is no one-man show.  Everyone has the opportunity to dribble, pass, and shoot.  I enjoy seeing that kind of teamwork.

My daughter is old enough to play sports at school this year, too.  She played volleyball at the beginning of the school year, and I think she enjoyed that.  I know she enjoyed her coach -- a big thanks to her for all her work with the team!

Now the season is basketball.  The junior-high coach gave all the girls a challenge to spend a certain amount of time dribbling and to shoot a certain number of baskets over the summer.  The prize for doing so was to get to go shopping for a new basketball and $50 toward a new pair of shoes for basketball.  She worked hard and met the goals, and she is very proud of what she earned.  She is enjoying basketball, and that is good.

My youngest is not in sports yet, but wishes he was.  His time will come.  That youngest-child slot is sometimes a very difficult thing when trying to find a 'place' in life.  He is as creative and inquisitive as ever.  Today, he brought me breakfast in bed - his idea, and he did a great job.

There have been a few people who have gone out of their way to help fill voids for my children.  I never take those encounters for granted.  People who invest in my children are one of the greatest blessings.  Their efforts make a difference.

There have been some challenges this year, too, of course; but there are always challenges in life, no matter your circumstances.  God is always faithful, and He guides us through those challenges.  I was reminded during one of those challenges to seek what God has for me in them -- Is there a lesson I need to learn, or an area where I need to grow?  That's not always an easy perspective to take.

This past month, I was able to attend the wedding of someone very dear to me.  She was one of the flower girls in my wedding.  She was a beautiful bride.  Making that trip was a bit of a 'splurge', but I felt so blessed to be able to go.  I was able to see several friends who live far away.  It was a lovely time.

This has been my second year as a widow.  I've heard many times that the second year is harder than the first.  I wouldn't say it was harder - just different.  In general, people do react differently after that first year has passed.  I don't know that it is much different than any other thing in life (it just feels magnified sometimes).  Time moves forward.  Life has a definite rhythm.  I actually don't think a lot about the fact that I'm a widow.  I am where God has placed me in life, and I just keep walking.

Looking back, I am always in awe of God's grace and the fact that He cares for me.  I spent some time reading through old blog posts and my old pen-and-paper journal; and all I could think was, "Wow!  God has been so good to us through all these tough events."  At thanksgiving time, I talked to the girls in my Sunday School class about being most thankful for the things that can never change -- God never changes.  He will always love us.  He is always faithful.  He always keeps His promises.  Those are what I'm most thankful for!

Today is the beginning of a new calendar year.  I look forward to seeing what God has for us in the days to come, and I know He will be walking with us as long as we are following Him.

I Didn't Choose This Life

 . . . or did I?

It has been said to me by some, and suggested by others, that I did not choose this life, that I did not opt for my current life circumstances.

Those statements have caused me to step back and really consider:  Did I choose this life?  This life that consists of becoming a widow at 41, of being a single parent who is solely responsible for every single decision and who now has to juggle family, work, school, sports, activities, home life, and life stresses, etc. on my own -- Did I choose this life?

I can say with certainty that those options were not on any "Life Goals" list that I have ever seen or written; but does the fact that I've never specifically said, "I want to be a widowed, single mom." mean that I didn't choose this life? 

I've felt compelled to look deeper at what I did choose (and do choose) for life goals . . .

• Many years ago, I told God that I wanted His Will for my life, whatever that may be.  That was a choice I made.

• More times than I could count, I asked God to work His Will in my marriage.  I chose that request.

• I have sung songs - and meant them from my heart - about surrender to whatever God has for me.  I sing those words willingly.

A couple of other things that I had to consider as I was pondering:

• I believe that God has a plan.

• When circumstances are beyond my control, I am still trusting that they are under God's control.

So . . . In summary, my conclusion is this:

God has a plan, and He is in control.  He has ordered my circumstances.

I choose to submit to His plan and surrender to His control. . . 

Therefore

I Choose This Life!

Psalm 143:8   Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

Routines Again

I thought life would slow down at least a little bit with the kids back in school, but not so. 

We are definitely back in the routine of school -- uniforms, lunches, homework, etc.  I thought I'd have a bit more 'free time' when the kids went back to school, but my days are typically filled.  I'm doing projects around the house and working on keeping things 'on track'.    After the kids are in bed, my mind is too tired to focus much on writing.

I've referenced before that I have to take things at a different pace than I used to -- I have to be careful to not use all my energy while the kids are at school, because there has to be enough of me left to finish out the day with them.  Sometimes, that frustrates me -- I want to accomplish more at each setting, but I have to accept that this is my life circumstance, and I need to make the best of it.

Since my last post, my youngest turned 8 (and his arm has healed nicely).  Last year, his birthday was surrounded by all of our transfer-to-hospice events; and those were the things he thought about when he thought about his birthday.  I wanted to change that.  It wasn't anything major, but I did do a little more than I normally do -- we needed to create new birthday memories.  At the end of the day, he said to me, "This was the most special birthday - ever!"  I am thankful for new memories.

The kids and I were also able to take a two-day trip to Duluth.  None of us had ever been there, and the weather was perfect for our excursion.  We were able to visit Spyglass Point, Palisade Head, and Gooseberry Falls.  The second day, we were able to see the lift bridge, train museum, and visit some unique shops.  It was a good trip.

I know I haven't written much specifically about grieving.  Maybe I need to say something about that.  I am not denying my grief, nor am I trying to come across as being unaffected by it - as 'having it all together'.   The 'experts' will often say, grief is a very personal experience -- no two people experience it quite the same.  I would add that each experience for the same person differs from another. Though losing my husband and being thrust into the category of single-parenthood are certainly 'firsts' for me, this is not my first experience with grief.  I have lost others who were very dear to me, and I have grieved deeply.  Through those other experiences, I learned lessons.  Those realities affect how I am grieving this loss.  I do grieve.  I may just do it a little (or a lot) differently than the next person.

I mentioned previously (Marking Days) that I don't like remembering dates associated with difficult events, but it is a reality - and very much so lately.  One year ago, we were experiencing difficult days.  We were already under hospice care.  Trent had worked his final days at his job.  I knew when people called and asked to come visit that they were aware it may be the last time they would see him here on Earth.  We were in our final days at home.  Some days, I had to remind myself to breathe. 

It's hard to believe that it has been nearly a year since the day that I was told we might have only hours left together. . . .

While I cannot prevent those memories from coming to mind, I have a choice regarding what I do with those memories.  I could allow my mind to 'park' there; however, I don't believe that would be a beneficial choice.  When those memories come, I accept that reality as part of my life story, and I direct my mind to focus on how we got through those days -- through acknowledging God's control over all those circumstances we couldn't control, and thanking Him for who He is and the fact that He never changes.  He loves us, cares for us, and will never leave us -- and He has a plan for our lives.  That discipline has been key to this journey.  The tears come, but they don't stay.  Psalm 30:5 -- ". . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

I know of several people now facing difficult days -- some of them, it seems likely may end up losing their spouse.  It is hard to see that.  It's one thing for me to go through that -- it is another thing all together to watch someone else go through it.  Just as for myself, sometimes I can't find words to put to my prayers for them.  I am thankful our God knows our hearts, and He doesn't need our words in order to hear our prayers.  I know this -- the same God who has walked with me in this journey will walk with them, too.  The same peace and comfort and grace and presence that He has given me is available to them, as well.  He is ". . . the God of all comfort;  Who comforteth us . . ., that we may be able to comfort them . . . by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted. . . ."  (II Corinthians 1:3 - 4)  God is faithful, and that will never change. 

I am thankful God IS who He IS!