Five-Year Plan

I always hated being expected to write a plan for my future -- You know, the 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' kind of questions. . .  When forced to answer, I'd agonize until I could come up with enough of a non-answer to fulfill the assignment.

To this day, I still hate those types of questions.

However, five years ago, I was contemplating what life might look like five years out. . . .  You see, it was five years ago this week that I was told, "We found cancer."  The initial things we heard caused us to start looking at where we (or ultimately where I and the kids would be) in three to five years.  Would my husband still be here?  How old would my kids be at this point - and would they be ready to face what seemed to be coming?  What would life look like between there and here?  Many, many more questions were going through my mind.

From the very day I heard the surgeon's words, I realized that I could end up as a single parent . . . I couldn't have envisioned, though, that  it would be my reality in less than seven months.  In fact, I don't think I could have visualized anything  that our lives were during those months.  None of the 'experts' predicted what our days would be.  Through the very end, our path was different than they thought it would be.

There were occasions when someone would ask me what I thought life would be like after my husband was gone (some more tactfully than others).  My thought was always, "I have NO IDEA how life will look on the other side of this!"  During that time, it was all I could manage to focus on that day - sometimes only that moment.  What I thought our day might be could be changed instantly by the vicious nausea or a sudden pain crisis.

And now - we have arrived at the five-year point for all of the events of that year.

Nothing I could have formulated would have looked anything like what life has been.

As I have looked back at some of the things I wrote down back then, my heart is thankful.  I have a God who never changes.  My first post about the cancer diagnosis  included the following paragraph: 

As I prepared to go to sleep that night, I felt wrapped in God's blessings.  The night before, I had gone to bed thanking God for His love, care, and total control in this situation.  That night, I realized that it was a great blessing to be able to do the same thing -- those factors had not changed.  God still loved us; He still cared for us; and He was still in control of every aspect of our situation.  This diagnosis may have been a surprise to us, but God already knew.  Through the emotional turmoil of the day, I was still blessed.

God has been with me every step of this journey.  At my most difficult moments - and no matter what my emotions want me to believe, I can still know that God is ultimately in control and that He works things according to His plan.

My follow-up post talked about plans being 'tentative' and about not being able to make concrete plans.

We were going through life as normally as possible.  Making plans as best we could, but everything was tentative.

Funny how that works -- The truth of the matter is that all of life is unknown, but we certainly don't live like it is.  We live like we know what will happen, but the reality is that we don't know.  Something like this just puts that fact in front of us and forces us to acknowledge it more.

That truth remains.  We don't know what a day will hold.  We don't know how our perceived paths may be altered, but we can trust that God knows the outcome.  We can choose to trust that He knows best.  Psalm 18:30 says, "As for God, His way is perfect."   It may not feel perfect, but God sees a bigger picture than we ever could.  I am grateful that God knows my outcome - as it says in Job 23:10, "He knoweth the way that I take:"  And in Psalm 47:4, it says, "He shall choose our inheritance for us."   

I am thankful for who God is!

On a rubber-meets-the-road kind of note, I will say that life isn't what I expected - but I think that is mainly because I had very few set expectations, and I'm not really sure what I expected.   I am simply doing my best to live life where I am - and follow God in doing so.

Some will ask what it is like getting to that 5-year mark.  I think if you asked a dozen people what it is like, you might get close to a dozen different answers.  The best way I can describe it is that it feels strange -- strange to have gotten that far out.  So much has changed, and yet - so much is the same.  It does feel odd when people ask how long it has been to say 'Five Years' -- I don't know why it feels any different than saying that it has been four years, but it does.

And so, life continues. . . .  Where do I see myself in five years?  I have no idea!  My plan is to keep walking on the path where God has placed me, doing my best to keep my eyes on Him, looking to Him for guidance, asking Him for direction at each decision point, trusting Him that He will make His way clear as we go forward. 

Where do I want to be in five years?  I want to simply be following God.

  Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.                                

 Psalm 143:8

Family Update . . . and Reflecting on the Journey

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted . . . . The days do seem to slip away from me at times.

Life has been incredibly busy . . . I'm not sure it will ever really slow down.  I had been looking forward to the 'relaxed pace' of summer, but there was so much to be done that it felt as though it just sped past me.

Summer was good, just very busy as I said.  My youngest was the only one of my three who was still young enough to attend the basketball clinic that my children have gone to for the past 8 years . . . hard to believe he only has one more summer that he's still able to attend!  My daughter was disappointed that she had outgrown the program, and so she decided to contact the man who runs the program and ask if she could help.  He allowed her to do so, and I think she really enjoyed being on the 'other side' of the program.  It was good for her.

We had our usual Vacation Bible Time (VBT) at church, and everyone had their place.  This was my oldest's first year of being a helper.  Changes keep coming along. . .

Immediately after VBT, we left on vacation.  It was a good trip!  It is always good to get to go back to Pensacola and see friends . . . and always so hard to say goodbye when the visit is over!  We split up our drive home over 3 days and had some fun along the way.  We stopped at the Mark Twain Cave in Hannibal, MO.  The cave tour was a first for all of us.  The last day of our drive home, we were able to stop in and see some very dear friends.  That was a great blessing, too.

In August, we had camp.  This was Nathaniel's first year as a worker, and Jonathan's first year to get to go.  I believe they each had a good time.

Nathaniel also played softball on our church team again this summer.  His skills have improved, and it was noticed.

The remainder of our summer was spent on getting much-needed projects done.  And in the next blink of an eye, it seemed, it was time for school to start again.  This year, Nathaniel is a 10th grader, Esther is a 7th grader, and Jonathan is a 5th grader --  It is my last year of having an child in elementary.

This summer, we found out that Esther has some congenitally-missing teeth . . . so this fall we started the process with braces to properly align what is there and have her ready for implants when she gets older.

I was also able to get Jonathan in for a vision-function exam.  His eyesight is 20/20, but I knew there was more to the picture.  The eye fatigue is too great - and it gets to that level too quickly and too frequently.  The exam was very interesting.  It confirmed what I had concluded through observation and also gave me more insight to what is really going on.  This week, we start vision therapy.  They promise me the change will be dramatic.  I am praying that is the case.

We just ended volleyball season for Esther, and in a few short weeks, we will start up with basketball season for Esther and Nathaniel - the schedule is bound to be even crazier through all of that.  I'm enjoying these few short weeks of no sports schedule!

 As I've been sorting through things lately, I've been reminded of all we went through three years ago.  (FB likes to remind me, as well.)  I don't want those memories to weigh me down -- I want them to remind me to look upward.  Those were certainly hard days -- it was three years ago today that I was told that it was very likely that I was entering the final hours I would have with my husband . . . .   God saw fit to give us several more weeks.  It was the beginning of a very strange time -- A time for which I struggle to find the words to describe.  However, it was also a time of God's amazing power blazing brightly.

Amidst all that we faced, God gave His Peace that truly passes our understanding.  Aside from a few moments when I needed to realign my thoughts, there was no fear. Though there was a tremendous loss - both while Trent was still with us and after he was gone - there was no despair.  There was a settled peace amidst all of that. I still chuckle to myself when people comment about me being so strong through all of that - and I remind them that it wasn't my strength at all -- it was all of God's strength.  Through the depths of my weakness, He showed His incredible Power!

I never want to forget God's working in our lives through all that was - and has been.  God made His Presence so real to us - His Grace was more than abundant  - His Strength was amazing - His Peace was beyond words. 

We have an AWESOME God!  (I don't say that lightly.)  In my Sunday School class, I try to emphasize to my girls how truly INCREDIBLE God is!  God made each of us individually - and for a purpose.  God has a plan for each of our lives.  God loves us more than we could ever comprehend.  To top it off . . . HE NEVER CHANGES!   He will always love us!  

It is easy to get our eyes on our circumstances, but we need to never lose sight of Who God is and all that He does!  (Have you reflected lately on Who God is?)

So today - as I write these words - I allow a few tears to fall.  They are not tears of sadness.  They are tears of thankfulness and of being overwhelmed with God's Goodness to us.  For those who have followed me in this journey, if you shed tears today, I hope they will be the same.  I hope you will join me in thanking God for Who He is and for all He has done for us.

Tis the Season

This time of year signals so many things . . .

We have just come from the Thanksgiving season, abreviated though it seems in our culture.  I try to keep a mindset of thanksgiving.  Through all of the changes over the past two years, I still believe with all my heart that there is so very much for which to be thankful.  God is good, and He has blessed us in so many ways, and He never changes -- He has always been and will always be good!

These days are flying by and filled with Christmas shopping, baking, school activities, recitals, basketball games, and programs (to name a few).

I don't know whether it is the mental references from last year or the increased level of activities, but life has taken on a feeling again that the rest of the world is moving at a different pace, and I find it a bit overwhelming trying to keep up with the busy-ness of it all. 

I see struggles in the kids, too.  It started the week before Thanksgiving.  I started hearing references to last year and how different - abnormal - it was.  One of the kids told me that they can't stop their thoughts from playing over and over.  One of them told me that they can't remember what Dad sounded like.  Sometimes, it is the things the kids don't say more than what they do say.   Even all of the 'fun' Christmas events at school are reminders of last year.  So . . .  This year is a little bit weighty.  Next year will be easier.

The most important focus, though, is Christmas -- the true meaning for all of the celebrations.  God became flesh and dwelt among us and gave His life to redeem us.  He is the reason we can have the hope of Heaven.

Routines Again

I thought life would slow down at least a little bit with the kids back in school, but not so. 

We are definitely back in the routine of school -- uniforms, lunches, homework, etc.  I thought I'd have a bit more 'free time' when the kids went back to school, but my days are typically filled.  I'm doing projects around the house and working on keeping things 'on track'.    After the kids are in bed, my mind is too tired to focus much on writing.

I've referenced before that I have to take things at a different pace than I used to -- I have to be careful to not use all my energy while the kids are at school, because there has to be enough of me left to finish out the day with them.  Sometimes, that frustrates me -- I want to accomplish more at each setting, but I have to accept that this is my life circumstance, and I need to make the best of it.

Since my last post, my youngest turned 8 (and his arm has healed nicely).  Last year, his birthday was surrounded by all of our transfer-to-hospice events; and those were the things he thought about when he thought about his birthday.  I wanted to change that.  It wasn't anything major, but I did do a little more than I normally do -- we needed to create new birthday memories.  At the end of the day, he said to me, "This was the most special birthday - ever!"  I am thankful for new memories.

The kids and I were also able to take a two-day trip to Duluth.  None of us had ever been there, and the weather was perfect for our excursion.  We were able to visit Spyglass Point, Palisade Head, and Gooseberry Falls.  The second day, we were able to see the lift bridge, train museum, and visit some unique shops.  It was a good trip.

I know I haven't written much specifically about grieving.  Maybe I need to say something about that.  I am not denying my grief, nor am I trying to come across as being unaffected by it - as 'having it all together'.   The 'experts' will often say, grief is a very personal experience -- no two people experience it quite the same.  I would add that each experience for the same person differs from another. Though losing my husband and being thrust into the category of single-parenthood are certainly 'firsts' for me, this is not my first experience with grief.  I have lost others who were very dear to me, and I have grieved deeply.  Through those other experiences, I learned lessons.  Those realities affect how I am grieving this loss.  I do grieve.  I may just do it a little (or a lot) differently than the next person.

I mentioned previously (Marking Days) that I don't like remembering dates associated with difficult events, but it is a reality - and very much so lately.  One year ago, we were experiencing difficult days.  We were already under hospice care.  Trent had worked his final days at his job.  I knew when people called and asked to come visit that they were aware it may be the last time they would see him here on Earth.  We were in our final days at home.  Some days, I had to remind myself to breathe. 

It's hard to believe that it has been nearly a year since the day that I was told we might have only hours left together. . . .

While I cannot prevent those memories from coming to mind, I have a choice regarding what I do with those memories.  I could allow my mind to 'park' there; however, I don't believe that would be a beneficial choice.  When those memories come, I accept that reality as part of my life story, and I direct my mind to focus on how we got through those days -- through acknowledging God's control over all those circumstances we couldn't control, and thanking Him for who He is and the fact that He never changes.  He loves us, cares for us, and will never leave us -- and He has a plan for our lives.  That discipline has been key to this journey.  The tears come, but they don't stay.  Psalm 30:5 -- ". . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

I know of several people now facing difficult days -- some of them, it seems likely may end up losing their spouse.  It is hard to see that.  It's one thing for me to go through that -- it is another thing all together to watch someone else go through it.  Just as for myself, sometimes I can't find words to put to my prayers for them.  I am thankful our God knows our hearts, and He doesn't need our words in order to hear our prayers.  I know this -- the same God who has walked with me in this journey will walk with them, too.  The same peace and comfort and grace and presence that He has given me is available to them, as well.  He is ". . . the God of all comfort;  Who comforteth us . . ., that we may be able to comfort them . . . by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted. . . ."  (II Corinthians 1:3 - 4)  God is faithful, and that will never change. 

I am thankful God IS who He IS!

Marking Days

As much as I don't like to mark dates for when difficult things happen, I think it is just the way our human minds work.

It was one year ago today that we were told my husband had 'a mass'.  Not one of his doctors thought it was cancer.  They believed it was an inflamatory-type mass.  The worst they thought was that it could possibly be a Crohn's-related mass with damage to the intestine from the disease.  That day, we thought we were facing some kind of 'incident' in life -- something we would deal with and move on.  We had no idea that we were starting a journey which would change life forever.  I'm thankful that God knows the timelines of our lives from beginning to end and that He walks with us every step of the way.  This was unexpected by us, but - somehow - it fits into God's plan for our lives.

Looking back on the past year is interesting.  I think there are positive and negative aspects of looking back.  Sometimes, it is overwhelming to consider how much has happened since just one year ago.  In remembering, I have to be careful.  There are times when I feel drawn into those events and all the emotions that went along with them.  I think it would be easy to put myself in a downward spiral if I allowed my mind to dwell on the past for too long.

The positive aspect of looking back, I think, is in reflecting -- calling to mind the ways that God blessed and provided and comforted -- purposing to see His goodness through all those events -- asking Him to help me learn the lessons intended for me.

This past year was one that required me to actively live out what I believe.  I think, often, we live through the daily routines without giving much thought to our beliefs.  Those beliefs don't feel as though they are being tested every day of our lives.  I say I trust God, that I've surrendered all areas of my life to Him -- This past year I had to actively live that out.  I had to purposely acknowledge that God was in control of my life and had to consciously decide to submit to His plan for my life.  I also say that I want to be obedient to God.  God says in His Word, "In everything give thanks."  Purposing to be thankful, I believe, was key to having God's peace and comfort through it all.  (Psalm 28:13  "I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.")

As much as this one-year mark causes me to look back, it also causes me to look forward.  One year ago today, I had no idea what the days ahead of me would hold.  Even so, today, I have no idea what the days yet to come will hold.  I believe with all my heart that God has a plan.  I'm glad life isn't a matter of happenstance.  I am thankful that God is all powerful and all knowing, full of love and mercy, and never changing.   I look forward to the future because I believe that if I am obedient to His leading, He will be my constant companion in the days to come.