I Didn't Choose This Life

 . . . or did I?

It has been said to me by some, and suggested by others, that I did not choose this life, that I did not opt for my current life circumstances.

Those statements have caused me to step back and really consider:  Did I choose this life?  This life that consists of becoming a widow at 41, of being a single parent who is solely responsible for every single decision and who now has to juggle family, work, school, sports, activities, home life, and life stresses, etc. on my own -- Did I choose this life?

I can say with certainty that those options were not on any "Life Goals" list that I have ever seen or written; but does the fact that I've never specifically said, "I want to be a widowed, single mom." mean that I didn't choose this life? 

I've felt compelled to look deeper at what I did choose (and do choose) for life goals . . .

• Many years ago, I told God that I wanted His Will for my life, whatever that may be.  That was a choice I made.

• More times than I could count, I asked God to work His Will in my marriage.  I chose that request.

• I have sung songs - and meant them from my heart - about surrender to whatever God has for me.  I sing those words willingly.

A couple of other things that I had to consider as I was pondering:

• I believe that God has a plan.

• When circumstances are beyond my control, I am still trusting that they are under God's control.

So . . . In summary, my conclusion is this:

God has a plan, and He is in control.  He has ordered my circumstances.

I choose to submit to His plan and surrender to His control. . . 

Therefore

I Choose This Life!

Psalm 143:8   Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

It Feels . . .

It had been one of those days when it feels . . . .

• It feels  like everyone has forgotten me.
• It feels  like I am so very alone.
• It feels  like I don't matter.
• It feels  like there is judgements from too many sources.
• It feels  like I will never succeed at this single-parent thing.
• It feels  like the tears will never end.
• It feels  like the pressure from it all will surely make my head literally explode.

And then . . .

The Holy Spirit gently touches my heart.  I'm reminded of previous days when the feelings were so very intense and of how I made it through those days.

It is certain I didn't survive on feelings!  I was able to walk through those days by forcing myself to focus on the things that I know.

• I may feel  forgotten and alone, but I know  God is always with me and He has not forgotten me and He has a purpose for this path on which He has placed me. ( ". . .I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."   Heb. 13:5 )
• I may feel  judgement (and it may honestly be there), but I know  that I only answer to the few individuals to whom I've made myself accountable and ultimately to God Himself.  ( "So then, everyone of us shall give an account of himself to God"  Rom. 14:12 )
• I may feel  that the tears will never end, but I know  that God sees my tears and that He promises joy.  ( " . . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."   Ps. 30:5 )
• I may feel  that the pressure is just too great, but I know  God's strength is available to me if I choose to accept it.  ( "And He said unto me, '. . . My strength is made perfect in weakness.' "  II Cor.12:9)

_________________

God created mankind with feelings, but those feelings were not to be the driving force in life.  I must choose to live by what is constant - by what I know.

That day, I took each of those areas where it feels, and I acknowledged before God the truth of what I know. 

This process is emotionally and mentally exhausting.  I was left feeling spent, and my eyes still burned from the tears that had been shed. But the reward for the effort was there -- the weight was lifted, and I was at peace.