The year of 2013 has come to an end. At its beginning, we never could have envisioned the things we would encounter throughout its course. It was quite a year.
I know God was with us each step of the way.
The past couple of weeks have been busy. Trent's memorial service was on Dec. 20th. So many people, both near and far away, showed great love and support.
Immediately following, we were busy with preparations for Christmas. I kept things as simple as possible. Christmas Eve, we attended church together; and Christmas Day, the four of us had a nice, quiet day at home. It has been good to be back together.
Today, I returned to the 2-year-old Children's Church class. I've missed 'my kids'. I have worked in this class for almost 16 years. Trent and I used to work it together. I wasn't sure how it would feel going back in there, but it felt good -- good to be back in a place of ministry.
I have been asked a couple of times how life feels now. I don't have an answer for that question. There is no doubt that life is different now; but the fact is that our lives have been so far removed from 'normal' for so long that there just isn't a comparison. Life is just life - one day at a time. There have been several adjustments -- and there will be many more. We will face each one as it comes.
We are still working on establishing that 'new normal'. This week, school will resume, and I think it will be good for the kids to get back in that routine.
Through everything that 2013 was, I am thankful for the ways that God revealed Himself to us. He worked in our lives in a big way. I hope that we learned the lessons He had for us. I hope I will always remember His Presence and Grace and Peace that He afforded us.
I don't know what 2014 holds for us, but I don't worry about it. I know that God has a plan for us for this coming year. I pray we will be open to His leading in our lives. I pray God allows us to be a blessing to others this coming year as so many have been to us.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Friday, December 20, 2013
One Journey Ends and A New One Begins
I've been thinking about this position of starting a new journey. I struggle a little with being defined in it. Is it a journey of Widowhood or of Single Parenthood or is it a journey for my children of being 'Fatherless'?
I suppose it is a little of each of those things. However, though there may be those aspects in our lives, those things cannot be what defines us.
Who we are has not changed. Yes, our circumstances affect us in various ways; but they do not change the essence of us.
Some of the unchanging facts are these:
We came to the end of that path called Cancer.
Now, we walk a new path; but we walk it in the same way that we walked the old path - one step at a time, living each day as God gives it to us -- and living it as best as we are able to do so.
I have no idea what this journey will look like. I don't know what the future holds -- I never did; but God holds our future in His hands, and I know we are safe.
I suppose it is a little of each of those things. However, though there may be those aspects in our lives, those things cannot be what defines us.
Who we are has not changed. Yes, our circumstances affect us in various ways; but they do not change the essence of us.
Some of the unchanging facts are these:
- We have a loving God - a Heavenly Father - who created each of us for a purpose.
- We belong to Him.
- He will never leave us or forsake us.
- If we let Him, He will guide us on this new journey.
We came to the end of that path called Cancer.
Now, we walk a new path; but we walk it in the same way that we walked the old path - one step at a time, living each day as God gives it to us -- and living it as best as we are able to do so.
I have no idea what this journey will look like. I don't know what the future holds -- I never did; but God holds our future in His hands, and I know we are safe.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
The End of the Path
The last several days were marked by consistent decline. The delirium had returned. Trent's overall condition was very much like the day I brought him to the hospital at the end of October. (End in Sight) There were also new issues that we did not deal with back then.
I let our pastor know. I called family. I sat with him - watching and listening. I watched for signs of discomfort because he wasn't able to articulate what he was feeling. I listened to his breathing. I listened to his words, most of which stemmed from the delirium. I tried to calm his frustrations that were coming from the strange messages his brain was sending him.
Yesterday was definitely a more difficult day. I knew we were incredibly close to the end. I did my best to keep him comfortable. The kids came for a brief visit.
I sat by his side during the night. I dozed off here and there. About 6:20 this morning, I was suddenly awake. I knew. Trent's suffering is finished. He rests in the arms of his Savior.
I called my pastor, and we made plans for meeting with the kids. There simply is no easy way to have that conversation, but it went as well as could be expected. I am grateful far beyond words for the incredible support of our pastor and his wife.
So far today, it has been all about the details. There are still many details to which I need to attend.
God has shown His incredible goodness and grace through all of this, including the timing and surrounding circumstances. He is good!
Thank you so much for all of your prayers.
I let our pastor know. I called family. I sat with him - watching and listening. I watched for signs of discomfort because he wasn't able to articulate what he was feeling. I listened to his breathing. I listened to his words, most of which stemmed from the delirium. I tried to calm his frustrations that were coming from the strange messages his brain was sending him.
Yesterday was definitely a more difficult day. I knew we were incredibly close to the end. I did my best to keep him comfortable. The kids came for a brief visit.
I sat by his side during the night. I dozed off here and there. About 6:20 this morning, I was suddenly awake. I knew. Trent's suffering is finished. He rests in the arms of his Savior.
I called my pastor, and we made plans for meeting with the kids. There simply is no easy way to have that conversation, but it went as well as could be expected. I am grateful far beyond words for the incredible support of our pastor and his wife.
So far today, it has been all about the details. There are still many details to which I need to attend.
God has shown His incredible goodness and grace through all of this, including the timing and surrounding circumstances. He is good!
Thank you so much for all of your prayers.
Friday, December 6, 2013
One Day at a Time
This past week was a little more difficult. Thanksgiving Day certainly was different than any other holiday observance. There were a few visitors and phone calls, but mostly, the day was quiet - quieter than usual since several of the residents were gone to be with their families.
The fact that it was a holiday week gave place to thinking about all of the changes that have occurred this year -- and those yet to come.
Of course, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the 'Holiday Season'. That, in itself, is hard to process. I can't make plans. At this stage of life, there isn't even a small degree of what can be 'reasonably expected'. The best I can do is to formulate a few vague 'If / Then' scenarios.
Last week, Trent's wedding ring would no longer stay on his finger. I asked him if he wanted me to wrap it with tape so it would stay on. He handed it back to me and told me he didn't need it. I had tried to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I would need to remove his ring at some point, but I was totally unprepared for him to hand it back to me. It was hard.
Yesterday, there was a marked increase in Trent's level of fatigue and weakness.
I think one of the hardest things I deal with is not knowing exactly where we are in this journey. It requires me to continually surrender myself to the timeline that God has for us.
I've said it before, but it bears repeating: The greatest comfort through all of the uncertainties that we have been through has been knowing, without a doubt, that God is in control and that He has a plan for our lives and that He loves us and will work His plan in His time. Daily we see God's goodness to us. He continues to provide for our needs and shows us His love through those who He has placed in our lives.
We appreciate your prayers for us as we continue our journey.
The fact that it was a holiday week gave place to thinking about all of the changes that have occurred this year -- and those yet to come.
Of course, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the 'Holiday Season'. That, in itself, is hard to process. I can't make plans. At this stage of life, there isn't even a small degree of what can be 'reasonably expected'. The best I can do is to formulate a few vague 'If / Then' scenarios.
Last week, Trent's wedding ring would no longer stay on his finger. I asked him if he wanted me to wrap it with tape so it would stay on. He handed it back to me and told me he didn't need it. I had tried to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I would need to remove his ring at some point, but I was totally unprepared for him to hand it back to me. It was hard.
Yesterday, there was a marked increase in Trent's level of fatigue and weakness.
I think one of the hardest things I deal with is not knowing exactly where we are in this journey. It requires me to continually surrender myself to the timeline that God has for us.
I've said it before, but it bears repeating: The greatest comfort through all of the uncertainties that we have been through has been knowing, without a doubt, that God is in control and that He has a plan for our lives and that He loves us and will work His plan in His time. Daily we see God's goodness to us. He continues to provide for our needs and shows us His love through those who He has placed in our lives.
We appreciate your prayers for us as we continue our journey.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thanksgiving
People are focusing on things for which to be thankful this time of year. While I don't disagree that it is a good thing to set aside time to focus on the blessings and to be thankful, I do think we would all benefit from keeping that more of a continual practice than simply an annual event.
For me, the past several months have been just that -- a time to focus on and be thankful for the blessings. I believe the Lord started that work in my heart before Trent's surgery. When I wrote my original post about this journey that we've been on, I told how I had thanked God for His Love, Care, and Total Control the night before the surgery and how I felt impressed to do the same the night following surgery. (New Path)
All along this journey, God has shown me His Goodness. Focusing on the blessings allows me to have that Peace that passes our human understanding, and then my spirit can rest in His Care. This has been a continual exercise.
My dear friend Valerie visited with me today, and we talked about this. I had mentioned that I have to continually surrender to God's plan and His timing in all of this. She asked me what process I go through in doing that. I'm not very good at putting things into words, but the best way I can explain it is to say that I have to turn my issues (worries and stresses and concerns) into thankfulness.
~When I am feeling crushed by the weight of something I have to deal with, then I thank God for His Strength and Grace for each situation.
~When I become overwhelmed thinking about the future (near or far), I have to stop and thank God for today - for that moment. I also thank Him for having a plan for our lives - individually as well as collectively.
~When I struggle with the fact that I can't meet everyone's needs all of the time and I feel so inadequate and when my youngest tells me he wishes I were more than one person so I could be two places at once, I have to thank God. I thank Him that He IS enough and that He IS everywhere all at the same time. I thank Him for the people that He has placed in our lives to walk along side us and meet some of those needs.
~There are too many aspects to mention here, but so many of the burdens I have are lifted when I thank God for His Total Control over all of the details in our lives, and I ask Him to help me to rest in His Care.
I could never name them all, but here are a few of the things for which I am incredibly thankful:
For me, the past several months have been just that -- a time to focus on and be thankful for the blessings. I believe the Lord started that work in my heart before Trent's surgery. When I wrote my original post about this journey that we've been on, I told how I had thanked God for His Love, Care, and Total Control the night before the surgery and how I felt impressed to do the same the night following surgery. (New Path)
All along this journey, God has shown me His Goodness. Focusing on the blessings allows me to have that Peace that passes our human understanding, and then my spirit can rest in His Care. This has been a continual exercise.
My dear friend Valerie visited with me today, and we talked about this. I had mentioned that I have to continually surrender to God's plan and His timing in all of this. She asked me what process I go through in doing that. I'm not very good at putting things into words, but the best way I can explain it is to say that I have to turn my issues (worries and stresses and concerns) into thankfulness.
~When I am feeling crushed by the weight of something I have to deal with, then I thank God for His Strength and Grace for each situation.
~When I become overwhelmed thinking about the future (near or far), I have to stop and thank God for today - for that moment. I also thank Him for having a plan for our lives - individually as well as collectively.
~When I struggle with the fact that I can't meet everyone's needs all of the time and I feel so inadequate and when my youngest tells me he wishes I were more than one person so I could be two places at once, I have to thank God. I thank Him that He IS enough and that He IS everywhere all at the same time. I thank Him for the people that He has placed in our lives to walk along side us and meet some of those needs.
~There are too many aspects to mention here, but so many of the burdens I have are lifted when I thank God for His Total Control over all of the details in our lives, and I ask Him to help me to rest in His Care.
I could never name them all, but here are a few of the things for which I am incredibly thankful:
- God, who Loves us, Cares for us, and Controls all of those things which we cannot control -- and Who never changes
- People who have cared for our children, provided them with a diversion from the weightiness of life right now, or given them stability and a sense of normalcy when life is anything but normal
- People who have brought food for our family and who have helped with yard work
- Friends and family, both near and far away who love us and who pray for us
- People we've never met who are praying for us
- Doctors, nurses, and staff who genuinely care
- Needs that have been met
- Good counsel
- Encouragement
- Peace
- Grace
Thursday, November 14, 2013
A Time Like No Other
Little by little, I am seeing the confusion return.
Trent sleeps more and more and, at times, is harder to wake from sleep to give him his meds.
Some days, the increasing weakness is very noticeable.
Some of the staff are concerned at what they see, but then they don't know what to think when I tell them that we've been through worse before . . . .
These are the things that are hard to watch. I never know if I am seeing a temporary low or if this is a true decline.
I have no choice but to trust that God has a plan and that He will work it in His time.
As uncertain as each day may feel, it is comforting to know that God holds each moment in His control.
Each day truly is a gift.
There were changes for the kids this week. My sister needed to go home to her own family. I chose to split the kids and put them in homes where I felt they would have the best fit. They weren't sure about my choices when I told them initially, but they are doing well. I miss them. Seeing them for a few minutes each day is not the same as being home with them. I know this is not forever, but it is still hard.
As hard as this phase of life has been, it has also provided opportunities for reflection that I would have been otherwise too busy to take. I don't know if words will ever be able to adequately describe all that life is and has been over the past few months. As I sit here next to Trent, I can focus on the blessings that we often take for granted.
No matter the circumstances, it is beyond any doubt that we are blessed; and I am thankful.
Trent sleeps more and more and, at times, is harder to wake from sleep to give him his meds.
Some days, the increasing weakness is very noticeable.
Some of the staff are concerned at what they see, but then they don't know what to think when I tell them that we've been through worse before . . . .
These are the things that are hard to watch. I never know if I am seeing a temporary low or if this is a true decline.
I have no choice but to trust that God has a plan and that He will work it in His time.
As uncertain as each day may feel, it is comforting to know that God holds each moment in His control.
Each day truly is a gift.
There were changes for the kids this week. My sister needed to go home to her own family. I chose to split the kids and put them in homes where I felt they would have the best fit. They weren't sure about my choices when I told them initially, but they are doing well. I miss them. Seeing them for a few minutes each day is not the same as being home with them. I know this is not forever, but it is still hard.
As hard as this phase of life has been, it has also provided opportunities for reflection that I would have been otherwise too busy to take. I don't know if words will ever be able to adequately describe all that life is and has been over the past few months. As I sit here next to Trent, I can focus on the blessings that we often take for granted.
No matter the circumstances, it is beyond any doubt that we are blessed; and I am thankful.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Shifting Steps
This has been quite a week, once again.
Our transition to the hospice was not easy. Almost immediately, we lost all pain and nausea control. The staff there really didn't seem concerned with what was best for Trent. They had their schedules and routines. I had absolutely no trust or confidence in the 'care' they were providing.
Their spiritual care director got involved and the social worker got involved. There were some changes made, but not enough to make me feel comfortable. When Trent voiced his desire to go elsewhere, that made the decision clear. On Tuesday, I had my sister come and sit with Trent for a couple of hours so I could go and see another facility. The difference in setting and philosophy could not have been greater. At the Lodge, they were amazed at some of the questions I asked and horrified that our experiences had made me feel it necessary to ask.
Jackie, the director at The Lodge, is all about getting things done, and - as promised - things were ready to move him within an hour. Trent was, of course, exhausted by the move; and Jackie's first priority was to get him into his bed and comfortable. After that was settled, then we focused on the paperwork. We are back under Methodist Home Hospice - just as we were before Trent was admitted; and that means we are back with the doctors and nurses that are already familiar with Trent. They sent a nurse out right away Tuesday night for a 'tuck-in check' to make sure that we had everything we needed for the night. The intake team came first thing Wednesday morning. Trent's doctor and his new nurse each came on Friday.
Trent has been so much more at ease here, and the pain is much better controlled. The nausea is much better, but not yet where we'd like it to be. Dr. Duane and I talked at length on Friday. We are going to watch closely for a couple more days and then re-evaluate. It feels so good to be working with people again who genuinely have Trent's comfort as their primary concern!
As far as the other facility, the social worker promises that changes will be made and that, as much as she hates what we have been through, our experience will enable them to force some changes that would have otherwise taken longer to make. I hope that is true.
We had a dear friend drive several hours to visit this week. It was a great blessing and encouragement.
There will be changes with the kids this week. My sister has been here staying with them, but she has her own family who miss her and need her. I know the kids will still be well cared for, but I see how all these things are affecting them. So many times, I wish I could be two places at once, but I can't.
Through all of the changes and difficulties, we still feel blessed. God has provided for all of our needs. He encourages us and strengthens us. He guides us and provides us with good counsel. He blesses us with good friends and family - both far and near. He gives us assurance that He is in control, that He has a plan, and that His way is best. He gives his grace for each moment that we face.
Our transition to the hospice was not easy. Almost immediately, we lost all pain and nausea control. The staff there really didn't seem concerned with what was best for Trent. They had their schedules and routines. I had absolutely no trust or confidence in the 'care' they were providing.
Their spiritual care director got involved and the social worker got involved. There were some changes made, but not enough to make me feel comfortable. When Trent voiced his desire to go elsewhere, that made the decision clear. On Tuesday, I had my sister come and sit with Trent for a couple of hours so I could go and see another facility. The difference in setting and philosophy could not have been greater. At the Lodge, they were amazed at some of the questions I asked and horrified that our experiences had made me feel it necessary to ask.
Jackie, the director at The Lodge, is all about getting things done, and - as promised - things were ready to move him within an hour. Trent was, of course, exhausted by the move; and Jackie's first priority was to get him into his bed and comfortable. After that was settled, then we focused on the paperwork. We are back under Methodist Home Hospice - just as we were before Trent was admitted; and that means we are back with the doctors and nurses that are already familiar with Trent. They sent a nurse out right away Tuesday night for a 'tuck-in check' to make sure that we had everything we needed for the night. The intake team came first thing Wednesday morning. Trent's doctor and his new nurse each came on Friday.
Trent has been so much more at ease here, and the pain is much better controlled. The nausea is much better, but not yet where we'd like it to be. Dr. Duane and I talked at length on Friday. We are going to watch closely for a couple more days and then re-evaluate. It feels so good to be working with people again who genuinely have Trent's comfort as their primary concern!
As far as the other facility, the social worker promises that changes will be made and that, as much as she hates what we have been through, our experience will enable them to force some changes that would have otherwise taken longer to make. I hope that is true.
We had a dear friend drive several hours to visit this week. It was a great blessing and encouragement.
There will be changes with the kids this week. My sister has been here staying with them, but she has her own family who miss her and need her. I know the kids will still be well cared for, but I see how all these things are affecting them. So many times, I wish I could be two places at once, but I can't.
Through all of the changes and difficulties, we still feel blessed. God has provided for all of our needs. He encourages us and strengthens us. He guides us and provides us with good counsel. He blesses us with good friends and family - both far and near. He gives us assurance that He is in control, that He has a plan, and that His way is best. He gives his grace for each moment that we face.
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